Miraculous Therapy Mondays: Sorry May Be the Hardest Word In Any Language

Here's a repost from a year ago that is still appropriate. Do you know how to apologize? 
Thought for the Day: I have not shared a Miraculous Therapy Mondays post for a while. These are posts which reflect on marriage therapy and times that it has helped heal couples who's relationship was on the brink of divorce. Today, I am thinking about a session which happened recently. I'm not sure yet whether any miracles happened or whether the marriage is beyond salvaging; however, the session led to thoughts on how and why apologies work or fall flat. Sorry may be the hardest word to say in any language. Recently, in a post called Sex, Lies, Love and Psychology, I wrote about the importance of teaching the 4th 'R,' Relationships, in schools from kindergarten through 12the grade. Given what I often see in couples' therapy, many people have failed to learn the art of apologizing.

Without revealing anything confidential, the couple I was working with has been married for 15 years and have 4 wonderful children. They have been challenged by the wife, let's call her Arlene's physical (fibromyalgia) and emotional (depression and addictions) challenges. Each time she slips, uses drugs and behaves inappropriately, it is followed by remorse and apologies. Unfortunately, as the behaviors keep reoccurring the apologies hold less and less credibility. Here's why...

Miraculous Mondays: How To Move On When Relationships End

Thought for the Day: As the year draws to a close, it is a time for reflection. On Mondays, I have been sharing Miraculous Moments from therapy with couples. Up to now I have shared techniques that I used with them to help resolve their differences and make their marriages work (Psychotherapy: Miracle or Science? &  Can Writing a Letter Save a Marriage?). Today, I will share a technique that I used to help someone move on after a divorce. In light of the New Year, ways to move on when we are stuck seem relevant.

Judy, came to me for an initial session many years ago. She reported that she was depressed, had no energy, cried for no reason and had no motivation to go out or have fun. When I took her history, I found out that 10 years prior to coming to see me, Judy's ex-husband, John, had an affair with and then married her best friend, Colleen. John and Colleen lived just blocks from Judy. She spoke about the affair as if it had happened yesterday. She said it. "still felt like a bad dream and that, eventually, I will wake up and find out it was just a nightmare." She told me that she had kept everything just the same as the day John left.

Miraculous Mondays: Can Writing a Letter Save a Marriage?

Thought for the Day: Here's another segment in my Miraculous Monday's Therapy Moments from marital therapy. Last week, I completed a three part series (Psychotherapy: Miracle or Science: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3) describing a technique that I have used over the years and how it impacted on a couple struggling with marital conflicts. This week I will share a letter writing technique that has saved some marriages. Even when it does not save a marriage, it can shorten the painful process of deciding what to do when a marriage is failing. Do you think a letter could save a marriage? Has a letter helped you improve your relationship? I'd love to hear your stories as well.

There are some similarities between this intervention and the one I presented in the 1st set of articles on this subject. I use this technique when a couple has been coming for a while and do not seem to be making progress. In marriage counseling, I usually see some changes that indicate whether the differences can be reconciled within a couple of months. Although the marriage may not be fixed, there is an easing of differences, a lessening of quarreling and a return of some positive interactions between the partners. When I do not see this happening and the couple report either more of the same battles or an increase in discord, I begin to worry.

When this happens, I may give them a letter writing assignment. Shelly and Tom were in this type of holding pattern in their marriage. Tom had had a brief affair. When Shelly found out, she was devastated. If they did not have 3 children, Shelly said she would have left him immediately. She wanted to try to salvage the marriage, but could not stop thinking about Tom being with another woman. Tom was doing everything he could to try to make amends with Shelly. He was remorseful and apologized repeatedly to his wife. He broke off the affair, changed his cell phone number, so that there would be no contact, gave his facebook & e-mail passwords to Shelly so that she could check his correspondence whenever she wanted. He was calling Shelly and checking in on a frequent basis. Despite all his efforts, Shelly kept picking fights with him and questioning his honesty. I tried to help them understand that trust takes time to rebuild, but Shelly did not know if she could ever trust him again and kept threatening divorce.

I suggested that they write a letter to their spouse. They were to imagine that they got divorced tomorrow and that a year had gone by since they untied the knot. They were not to discuss their letters till the next therapy session. Come back next week to hear what happened when they returned.

Miraculous Mondays: Part 3: Psychotherapy: Miracle or Science?

Thought for the Day: It is Monday & I have not posted for three days. A friend is here doing work on our house. When I need to help make sure he has all the supplies to complete projects, my writing gets neglected. In the interim, I have also been moved by the outpouring of both tributes and celebrations of the life and work of Nelson Mandela. Ironically, one of his quotes inspired my Wednesday's Words of Wisdom post last week, the day before he died. Therefore, some of my thoughts on miracles in marital therapy today, will include my perception of Mandela's contribution to the psychology of reconciliation. At a later date, I will write about the mourning process in South Africa, since I am fascinated by the cultural differences in our societies. As promised last week, today, I am finishing a three part series on: Psychotherapy: Miracle or Science? (Part 1, Part 2). Although Linda & Henry's therapy is not completed, I'll be reporting the progress & thoughts about the science behind the miraculous moments in their work.

Last week, Linda and Henry left the session laughing and talking in a way I had not seen before the role play. They reported that their week, since the last session, was much better than before. They were speaking more frequently and able to work through rough moments better than in the past. Although Henry has been very busy at work, he has read more of the book and has been trying to apply the techniques he is reading about. Linda, who's life is consumed by caring for a small infant, has not made time to read the book yet, but is appreciating the change in Henry's behavior. She is not convinced that the changes will be permanent. Although she had been going out at night after Henry came home from work, she has been staying home more and spending time with him without it leading to arguments. My biggest concern is that Linda is not totally on board and still is questioning whether things can change enough for their marriage to work.

My job is to help them experience more and more of the miraculous moments in their interactions, so that they can rekindle and strengthen their relationship. Their marriage has been deteriorating since they began to live together. Linda who felt free and liberated before she married, has been feeling trapped and unfulfilled for years. I have made it clear to both of them that she is responsible for making sure she is following her dreams in life. If she feels trapped, she is the only one who can set herself free. Henry must be able to support her efforts, but he cannot do the work for her. I will be meeting with her individually to help her examine why she is feeling so stuck in her life. Reconciling their differences will take time and work on both their parts.

Here's where Nelson Mandela's miraculous reconciliation efforts are informative to me as a therapist. Mandela was oppressed, jailed and tortured as were his people. Fortunately, most married couples do not suffer to that extreme; however, if marriage begins to feel like a prison, they may begin to treat their spouse like a jailer with anger and bitterness. When this occurs, they can learn about reconciliation, as we all can, from Mandela. Other peoples have suffered from similar holocausts and have not been able to reconcile. Many survivors of political oppression remain angry, hateful and bitter. What allowed Mandela to reconcile his differences with his oppressors? After he was freed, he met with many of those who oppressed him and made amends with them. I believe, he discovered a liberating principle which allows for forgiveness without expectations of forgetting, revenge or retribution which led to the Truth and Reconciliation Commission hearings. In these hearings full disclosure of the crimes with the possibility of amnesty led to healing. (Bill Moyer's PBS Series Facing the Truth gives a good introduction to the process).

Although the process can be painful, sharing feelings of discomfort in a marriage may be the prerequisite for the miracle moments that lead to reconciliation and healing of marriage therapy. As a psychologist, I help provide a safe place to air all the issues that have been troubling my clients in their relationships. Without trust, marriage cannot work. Therapy gives them a place where they can be truthful with one another. What do you think? Is psychotherapy a miracle maker or a science or a bit of both?

In subsequent posts I will share other techniques that tend to help people work their miracles in therapy.

Miraculous Monday's: Part 2: Psychotherapy Miracle or Science?

Thought for the Day: Last Monday, I began to tell the story of Henry and Linda's marital therapy. I introduced them and shared a question that I ask all clients at the beginning of therapy. Namely, "If a miracle happened and therapy cured you over night, how would you know? What would be different?"  Linda and Henry's visions of a miracle were pretty similar. They would be communicating with one another and laughing more. They would be living together in harmony and would see eye to eye on religious matters.    

       Since both Henry and Linda had mentioned problems in communication, I gave them a homework assignment. I encouraged them both to read the book, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus by John Gray. I often assign reading to clients since it can speed up the process in therapy. In sessions, I can coach them in skills discussed in the book. I explained the theory behind the book and introduced the concepts men and women's different communication styles. 

       The next week, to my surprise only Henry had started reading the book. Often, men will delay starting a reading assignment and women will have completed the entire book. Linda had not had time. Although he had only read the 1st chapter, he liked it and could already see that it applied to their patterns of miscommunication.

       The couple's week had been slightly better, but they brought up an argument that had transpired which was typical of their disagreements. I decided to try a role-playing technique to attempt to get them to imagine interacting differently. They were each to direct the other partner in a two minute ideal scene. What would a perfect interaction between them look like. Henry wanted Linda to be the director first. Linda broke into tears. She said, " I don't think we could have even two minutes of an ideal relationship. It's just not possible." 

       When Henry began to contradict Linda and said, "Come on, we can get along for two minutes." I stopped him and got him to listen to his wife. I encouraged him to just find out what was making her feel so hopeless about their marriage. I reminded him about what he had read and he listened to her in a way he had never listened before. When she had completed what she wanted to say, he was able to ask if she wanted anything from him or if she just wanted him to listen. He said it saddened him to see her so upset and asked if he could do anything to help her. She asked him to just hold her and he did.   

      After he held her for a few touching moments, I decided to ask if they wanted to try the role play again. They were both able to act out their perfect 2 minute interaction. I didn't know for sure, but I felt I had just witnessed one of the miracle moments in therapy. Next week, in the third installment, I will share how Henry and Linda's week went and you can be the judge of whether psychotherapy is a science or a miracle or a combination of the two.

Special Edition: Wake Up Washington: Part II Putting Congress On the Couch

Thought for the Day: I tend to be a serious person, however, when a humorous creative writing idea comes my way, I try not to let it pass. Therefore, today, I am writing a special edition for the blog. I hope you enjoy it & feel free to share it with whomever will appreciate the humor. Maybe it will help Wake Up Congress. As always, I'd love to hear your comments & ideas.

On Wednesday, I posted some comments on the need to "Wake Up" Washington DC & asked you for some therapeutic suggestions. Today, I'm offering a few treatment plans (tongue in cheek) to consider for Congress:

1) Psychoanalytic Treatment Plan: Put Congress on the couch. Address early childhood issues, Oedipal conflicts & wishes to get rid of paternal figures & have presidential power. Pros: it could get to the bottom of the causes for the neurotic behaviors. Cons: It would takes years of intensive psychotherapy & the nation would be in shambles before the treatment was completed.

2) Cognitive Behavioral Therapy: Develop a plan to overcome ObamaCare Phobia using progressive desensitization techniques. Teach members of Congress relaxation techniques & combine them with imagining a hierarchy of their fears of ObamaCare from the least to the most anxiety provoking.  Have them stay relaxed while imagining all the scenarios & they will be ready to move on. Pros: It could be completed in a few sessions. Cons: It might not get to the underlying issues causing the phobias.

3) Marriage Counseling &/or Family Therapy: Meet with members of congress to see if the marital rifts between the two sides can be resolved. Focus on enhancing communication skills & learning to compromise. Try to help the "parental figures" (congressmen & women) consider the needs of their children (citizens) even if they cannot resolve their differences. Mandate participation in a parenting class for divorcing parents for all members of congress. Get them into mediation to find solutions on how to keep the government running despite their differences. Pros: It could make them wake up & start behaving in a more adult ways. Cons: To do marriage counseling or mediation they must 1st be able to sit in the same room & start speaking to one another. It may not be possible at this time.

4) Addiction Intervention & Rehabilitation: Since Congress seems to be in denial of their addiction to "obstruction of the democratic process," an intervention may be necessary. All family members (citizens) who feel Congress' addiction is self destructive would meet with the interventionist prior to meeting with the addict. Family members would need to be prepared to tell Congress how their addiction is impacting them & the nation & the consequences if they do not get intensive treatment immediately. Before involving Congress a treatment facility & plan for rehab would be chosen. Pros: It may be the only way to break through Congress' denial of their addiction. Cons: The inpatient stay would bankrupt ObamaCare & recovery would take too long.

5) Treatment of Cult Victims: Treat members of Congress for brainwashing by cult like factions. Pros: It might actually help break the impasses in DC. Cons: Treatments for cult victims are controversial techniques. They cannot be carried out without cooperation of the brainwashed victims. Members of Congress would never cooperate.

I know there are therapists following this blog. Anyone have some additional suggestions?