5 Ways to Give New Meaning to a Blue Christmas

Thought for the Day: This holiday season is challenging for everyone. This week, like many psychologists nationwide,  I have been doing critical incident work with people in Connecticut impacted by the tragedy in Newtown CT. Whether people knew someone who lost a friend or family member or not, people are struggling with how to speak with their children, cope with & accept that they are grieving. Many people are not feeling like celebrating the holidays this year, which led to this post. Although I called these ways to give new meaning to a "Blue Christmas" they apply to whatever holiday you celebrate. Here are a few ways to find new meaning during this blue holiday season.

  

One of many memorials in Newtown CT

  1) Accept your feelings as part of the normal human reaction to a tragic event.
     Yesterday, I counseled a woman in Danbury CT who had decided not to celebrate Christmas this year. She did not know anyone who was directly impacted by the tragedy but was visibly shaken fighting back tears since she was at work. Like many of the people I have met with this week, she felt a form of "survivor's guilt." In light of the anguish that we can only imagine that the families who lost a loved one are experiencing, people feel that they should not be feeling the grief they are experiencing. What I have been telling people is that their feelings, tears, anger, numbness, sorrow are normal reactions to the trauma. Feelings are not right or wrong, they just are. They act like the safety valve on a pressure cooker to let off steam & keep the pressure cooker from exploding. Your emotions are a sign that you are a caring human being struggling with an inhumane event.


      2) Create a memorial ceremony as you begin your family's event
      There are multiple ways to take some time before celebrations begin to acknowledge those lost in this tragedy. A moment of silence, a candle lighting, a prayer, a walk by the beach, or writing & sending condolence cards together with your family and friends can help you acknowledge that this holiday is different from the past. There is a digital card that is being sent which has over 2 million signatures worldwide. If you wish to send an original paper condolence card or drawing prepared with your family, here is the address:  
                Messages of Condolence for Newtown
                P.O. Box 3700
                Newtown, CT 06470
       3) Start working to prevent future tragedies
       Although we cannot promise our children that there will never be other tragedies, there are natural tragedies & bad things do happen in life. What we can do is get involved in projects that will address the loopholes that compromise our safety. There are a multitude of ways to get involved in finding the solutions to a number of challenges facing our nation. You can write to your senators & congressmen about these & other issues: 1) reforming gun control laws; 2) advocate for increased mental health resources for children & adults with serious mental illness; 3) investigate ways to reduce violence on TV, movies & video games, especially those aimed at children; and 4) advocate for comprehensive year round educational programs that work towards tolerance & a reduction of bullying in our schools & society. In addition to writing campaigns, get involved in your community's efforts to develop programs that will increase safety in our schools & neighborhoods. Depending on the ages of your children, get them involved in the discussion & activities as well.
        4) Volunteer with people less fortunate than you
         Start a new family tradition and consider volunteering. You could sign up to serve food at a homeless shelter or visit an old folks home or hospital. Bring gifts to brighten the holiday for someone who is struggling. In addition to giving gifts to your family,  have all the members of your family bring something to donate to a charity. With your children go through their toys & clothes to find things that they no longer use that is in good condition & take it to a donation center before the holiday. (Take a look at some of the nonprofits benefiting from my book for ideas of organizations that could use your help.)
         5) As hard as it is to rejoice, carrying on is reaffirming life & not allowing terror or madness to destroy what is good in the world
         It is important to bring routines and structure back into our lives, especially for children to regain a sense of safety & trust in human beings. In the Diary of Anne Frank we learned of how a family in hiding from the Nazi terrorist regime tried to keep a semblance of normalcy, including celebrations of holidays. Although her life was cut short, she lives on in the hearts of millions who have read her diary or seen the play based on her diary.  Her message has been heard around the world. Her words have bearing today as we struggle with finding the strength to rejoice following such an unthinkable tragedy. We must help our children regain trust in mankind as Anne Frank did:
Despite everything, I believe that people are really good at heart.
Anne Frank

          I hope these ideas will help you have a positive holiday experience with renewed resolve to make the world a better, safer, more peaceful place for all.

                 

Does Social Media Lead to Social Action or Inaction?

Does Social Media Lead To Social Action for Social Good?

Thought for the day: There is something wonderful & terrible about all the social media sites. On the one hand, you can interact with people you would never meet without these platforms. It is easy to learn about things without leaving your home. On the other hand, these sites can become addictive, time consuming & may lead to less real life interactions with people. When confronted with four options: 1) like, 2) share, 3) unlike, or 4) move on, or ignore what we see, are we choosing option 4) more often than any of the others. Why are people opting not to interact? Are we becoming voyeurs rather than action takers? Is our attention span becoming shorter & shorter? Do we need more & more negative, shocking photos & videos to get our attention? Is social media missing it's mark & making us more asocial or anti-social? We know that twitter has played an influential role in the Arab Spring movement, so social media can lead to action, but does it sometimes lead to inaction. What does it take to get you to like or share something on social media sites? What stops you from sharing or liking something?

As a psychologist, I tend to test my theories before I write about them. I find the psychology of social media fascinating. For the last few months I have been thinking about & developing ways to understand the psychology of using social media for social good. My most recent experiment came before I even had a theory or a plan to write about it. I was simply curious. I responded to a facebook post & decided to try it on both my personal & book facebook page, my google+ page (which, I really don't understand yet), & my 3 twitter handles. That means the message went out to over 8,000 people or pages. I was reluctant to place the post since it felt a bit like chain letters which I do not pass on, but my curiosity won.

Here's the post I put out on all the above sites: "...Pay attention! I'm running a test to see who's reading my posts. So, if you read this, leave me a one-word comment about your day—only one word, please. Then, copy this to your wall so I can leave a word for you. Don't just post a word & not copy—that's no fun."

My meager results in over 48 hours are: 18 replies, shares, & likes. In fairness, I get a lot more responses when I post more interesting content. I also sent out my test on a Saturday afternoon when people are busy, so it may not reflect how well it may have done on a weekday. It still appears on my facebook pages, but it is ancient history on twitter & google+. 

Are we simply overwhelmed with so many posts, tweets, blogs & newsletters flashing by in real time? Do we need disasters or "glitzy" gossip from stars to get our attention?  Are we becoming "couch potatoes" on the internet? How can we get people to really connect in meaningful ways? I hope that we will not become numb to calls for action similar to the passerby phenomenon that has occurred when people hear the sounds of a crime happening & ignore it.

I find that some sites are making a conscious effort to engage people about real issues. On Voices Against Brain Cancer's facebook page, https://www.facebook.com/VoicesAgainstBrainCancer, people post pictures & stories about their loved ones who are either fighting a battle against brain cancer or who have sadly lost the battle. They are raising awareness, supporting families dealing with the disease & supporting research programs to put an end to brain cancer. It is so powerful that I can only respond to posts a bit at a time, but I make an effort to do so. Stop Violence Against Women www.care2.com engages visitors to click to have their sponsors support various causes. You can click every day & support multiple causes there for free.

What sites you share, like & comment on & why? As I see it it is up to us, the users to put social responsibility & activism into social media.

Is the American Dream Dying or Just Transforming?

Optimism is a strategy for making a better future. Because unless you believe that the future can be better, you are unlikely to step up and take responsibility for making it so.  Noam Chomsky

     Thought for today: Life in this day & age is not without challenges. Much of the news we hear is depressing. The economy is struggling. Unemployment is high. College grads are returning home & living with their parents out of necessity. Teenage girls are posting on YouTube asking if they are ugly. Children were murdered in an attack by a classmate wielding a gun in Ohio. Under the circumstances, staying optimistic is challenging. If it is a prerequisite for making the future better, how can we hold on to our optimism? In light of all the negative news, is the American Dream dying or just transforming? More positive news exists, however, the media seems to focus on the negative, since it sells. We have the power to change that fact. Today, I will tell you about some of the organizations whose activities are helping to keep the American Dream alive & well. Like America, it is transforming with the times. Please share these stories that include the negative occurences but also report some promising solutions & progress in their messages. Show magazines & the media that you are interested in the positive news which will help keep the American Dream thriving.

I was thinking about this topic before I read an article (http://www.forbes.com/sites/deniserestauri/2012/02/27/teen-girl-in-the-mirror-a-picture-shows-her-truth/) by one of my new friends Denise Restauri. Then I viewed a clip about a new documentary, America the Beautiful ABC LA News www.youtube.com. YA day later, I saw another powerful documentary, Someday Melissa, about a young woman's battle with an eating disorder. After the screening, I listened to & spoke with members of a panel of experts, the film makers & the audience including women & men recovering from eating disorders, talk about their experiences & the progress being made in the field.

All three of the above were in conjunction with National Eating Disorder Awareness week, but somehow I see these as testaments to the changing face of the American Dream. The rise in violence, unemployment, & eating disorders, are symptoms of the times we are living in. When the going gets tough you must get tougher. When the dream is challenged, you must get more creative to dream it forward. Women & girls are fighting for their American Dreams of life liberty & the pursuit of happiness & are making progress. 

The American Dream is going through what seems like a coming of age right of passage. With each technological advance, democracy & freedom need to reassess how to insure those rights to all it's citizens. Facebook, twitter, & YouTube have given a worldwide platform which can be used for amazingly good causes or for evil ones. America & Americans are just beginning to learn how to use these new tools responsibly. As with all new things, it takes time to learn how to use them respectfully & responsibly. 

Denise's series of articles for Eating Disorder's Awareness week speak about the new trend among young girls to post videos on YouTube asking if they are ugly. It is heartbreaking to see such lovely young girls questioning their beauty & to learn that they are being taunted by cruel kids online. It raises huge concerns for parents, educators & therapists. Helping girls (& boys for that matter) to accept their unique bodies & appearances is challenging in an environment where magazines, TV & social media portray beauty as airbrushed thin models who often suffer from eating disorders to maintain dangerously unhealthy body weight. She also reports about a program called "Project HEAL, founded by two teenage girls who helped each other recover from anorexia nervosa, a potentially life-threatening eating disorder characterized by self-starvation & excessive weight loss." Programs like Project Heal are a sign of hope. Survivors are taking control of their eating, while helping other teens take control & fighting for their right to live the American Dream.

Given the explosion of new technologies, parents need to "friend" their children & their children's friends on Facebook & YouTube. They must pay attention to their children's & their children's friends posts & talk to them if anything seems worrisome.  Are they or a friend depressed, angry, threatening, self-deprecating, questioning whether they want to live? In the same way that you would want to meet the children they are associating with at school, you need to try to have some idea of who they are connecting with online. Start "friending" them on facebook when they are young, before they will be self-conscious about including you. Don't try to "be" their friend, just keep a watchful eye & speak with them personally, if you have concerns. If they want to take you off their "friend" list, remember, you are paying for internet access & can take it away. Make it a requirement for internet access. Remember you are the parent.

In addition, as parents there are things you can do to impact on the media. Television advertises food & alcohol ways to attain happiness, popularity & success. It took years for society to realize that advertizing of cigarettes was killing people & get the ads off the air. I believe we are on the verge of a grass roots revolution regarding how women's beauty is portrayed by the media. It is time to realize that advertizing is killing girls & women by promoting an unachievable unhealthy image. We, the consumers, can change the face of feminine beauty. To do so we must speak up & let the fashion, music, movie, dance & gymnastics industry know that we will not put up with the exclusion of girls as models or performers who do not fit the "twiggy" look. Beauty comes in all shapes & sizes. It starts from within & external beauty varies from culture to culture. Dove made a huge step in that direction with an ad campaign using older women showing the beauty of aging bodies & varying body types. We need to demand similar campaigns directed towards young girls & teenagers. More singers & actors need to break away from the pressure to have a thin "look" like Adele, who can be a role model for artists to accept their uniqueness.

The article & documentaries I mentioned give the hard truths about eating disorders. The statistics alone are staggering 30% of college students have eating disorders. The problems are starting with younger & younger children. 

• It is estimated that 8 million Americans have an eating disorder – seven million women & one million men
• One in 200 American women suffers from anorexia
• Two to three in 100 American women suffers from bulimia
• Nearly half of all Americans personally know someone with an eating disorder (Note: One in five Americans suffers from mental illnesses.)
• Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness
• A study by the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa & Associated Disorders reported that 5 – 10% of anorexics die within 10 years after contracting the disease; 18-20% of anorexics will be dead after 20 years & only 30 – 40% ever fully recover
• The mortality rate associated with anorexia nervosa is 12 times higher than the death rate of ALL causes of death for females 15 – 24 years old.
• 20% of people suffering from anorexia will prematurely die from complications related to their eating disorder, including suicide & heart problems 
• Only 1 in 10 people with eating disorders receive treatment
• About 80% of the girls/women who have accessed care for their eating disorders do not get the intensity of treatment they need to stay in recovery – they are often sent home weeks earlier than the recommended stay (All above statistics copied from: http://www.state.sc.us/dmh/anorexia/statistics.htm)

Insurance companies are withholding funding for much needed longer inpatient treatment which can prevent the deaths of eating disordered patients. Families are struggling to help their children survive by locking up food & do not know what to do when insurance companies send their loved ones back home when their medical profile improves, but the therapy is incomplete. 

These facts are unsettling, however, there is also hope. Women, men, families of those suffering from or whose loved ones have died from eating disorders are fighting back. Movies like the one made made by a mother & a therapist, Someday Melissa (www.somedaymelissa.com) & America the Beautiful (America the Beautiful ABC LA News www.youtube.com) are raising awareness. Grass roots groups are lobbying for "truth in advertizing" campaigns (http://www.openpr.com/news/209154/NEDA-Joins-Off-Our-Chests-In-Battle-to-Launch-Media-and-Public-Hea ) & mental health parity laws to force insurance companies to pay for much needed services. There are awareness programs in schools, universities, online & in the broader communities around the world. New research, as well as free treatment programs (http://www.teenbulimiastudy.org/) are happening. 

If you know someone who is suffering from an eating disorder, let them know help is out there. If you know someone who is being bullied or ridiculed for their appearance, help them by speaking up. Get involved. Let women's magazines know that you want them to stop promoting the "twiggy" look, that you want medical screening for eating disorders for models under the age of 18 & that you will unsubscribe from their magazines if they do not make changes. If enough people protest things will change. Get involved, you can help make a difference. Let's make someday that SomedayMelissa.com is promoting come as soon as possible. As we enter the brave new world of the internet & social media, let us all learn how to use them to promote good causes & fight harmful abuses of the system. The American Dream will survive if we keep it at the forefront of our dreams & actions to protect the lives, liberty & pursuit of happiness for all it's citizens.

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Four Ways to Eliminate Prejudice

Red Tails: UNSUNG HEROES of WWII finally get the proper recognition on the screen

Thought for the day: It is ironic that wars sometimes help in the battle against prejudice. What other ways have you found that help in the fight to eliminate prejudice? There are many other amazing programs that help. Please share them with me.

     I hate war. I hate war movies as well. Usually I avoid violent movies like the plague. I cannot tolerate violence in films. This weekend, however, after hearing about Red Tails on Charlie Rose, I decided to see the film. I admit there were a few scenes when I had to turn my head away from the screen, but I was glad I went.  I knew the story of the first African-American pilots to fly in a combat squadron during World War II before coming to the theater. I saw the PBS documentary, The Tuskegee Airmen - They Fought Two Wars, a few years ago. However, Hollywood has a way of fighting prejudice by relaying stories that get to the heart, whereas, documentaries avoid these emotions since they try to be more objective. Movies, therefore, are one of the most powerful tools in fighting prejudice, especially if followed by thoughtful discussion.
     I won't ruin the movie for you, but I had mixed emotions of shame, anger & pride in my country while watching the story of the Tuskegee Airmen. I was ashamed that my country, in the midst of a war against a tyrant who justified genocide of human beings for religious beliefs, race, disabilities, or ethnicity could treat citizens fighting for their country with such prejudice & disrespect. I was angry that time was wasted holding back & endangering such heroic brave men given inadequate planes while the crematories were killing millions of people. But as I watched, I also was proud of the progress that our military & our country has made since WWII.
      I am a strong believer that good things often happen due to tragedies. The Tuskegee Airmen did fight two battles. History shows us that they won on both fronts. How much as changed was evident yesterday when President Obama used the military example as a model for congress. He said, "We can learn from the service of our troops... When you put on that uniform, it doesn’t matter if you’re black or white, Asian or Latino, conservative or liberal, rich or poor, gay or straight. When you’re marching into battle, you look out for the person next to you, or the mission fails, ...When you’re in the thick of the fight, you rise or fall as one unit, serving one nation, leaving no one behind.” Ironically,  war is a second way to fight prejudice. However, since I am a pacifist at heart, I would never start a real war to try to end prejudice.
     The third & forth ways are related to education as a means to eliminate prejudice. Two very different nonprofit organizations featured in my book, The Wake Up And Dream Challenge, are helping to fight the war on prejudice. The first, Camp Young Judaea, TX, is a camp I attended for nine years from when I was 8 to 17 years old. The second, Elimination of Prejudice, has dedicated its efforts to the battle against prejudice since 1895.
    

     You may be wondering why I believe that a Jewish summer camp is one of the ways to eliminate prejudice. This camp is geared towards offering it's campers a huge dose of Jewish education. It encourages campers to build pride in their heritage & lifelong commitment to Jewish values. Those two variables are what make it a powerful way to fight prejudice. I believe that pride in one's heritage is the foundation of tolerance for others. Bigotry is based on ignorance & feelings of inferiority. When someone feels strong & confident, they do not need to put down others. A strong person is not intimidated by the strengths of other people. Every religion, race & ethnicity has strengths, weaknesses & rich legacies. Differences should be welcomed as opportunities for enrichment not reasons to try to change or overpower one another. (I will leave analysis of famous tyrant's inferiority complexes to others at this time, but much has been written on the topic.)
     Camps have some similarities to the army. Kids often arrive without knowing any of their bunk mates. They come from divergent towns, socioeconomic & educational backgrounds. Some kids are thin, others overweight, some are pretty, others less attractive. They all need to learn how to live together in tight quarters with new rules & a busy schedule. Learning to be tolerant & accepting of differences is part of the education that a great camp like CYJ TX gives to its campers. The entire camp program instills the value of social tolerance & respect. Each year there is a slightly different program, but campers are also taught that, "You & I can change the world." I sang those words & have lived my life changing the world by helping my clients change their worlds. I hope that my book will help open conversations between leaders from camps from all religions & ethnic backgrounds to learn from one another ways to eliminate prejudice while building pride in one's heritage. I believe that my involvement in Camp Young Judaea - TX instilled this in me. To purchase The Wake Up And Dream Challenge & donate to CYJ-TX click here: http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/the-wake-up-and-dream-challenge/18758612.

The fourth way to eliminate prejudice is one of the most powerful ways.  This program is the oldest organization featured in my book. The origins of Elimination of Prejudice transcend many generations, however, it’s mission remains just as relevant today as in its early years. College, like the army & camp, bring varied people together in close quarters where they must learn to co-exist. It is perhaps the last time when educational institutions can help change prejudices due to ignorance in an organized fashion. In 1895, three Yale University students founded the first fraternal order open to all men without regard to race, religion or creed. In that historic moment, not only was Pi Lambda Phi International Fraternity born, but a movement dedicated to advocating a better understanding between people began. Since it’s inception, the movement has helped more than 46,000 members develop an appreciation for participating in, & building inclusive environments where people with varied perspectives, skills & experiences collaborate.
      But it wasn’t until Jules Lennard formally established “The Elimination of Prejudice” in 1996 that the movement had an official name. Lennard was a trail blazer—a staunch advocate for people dealing with discrimination. Lennard’s story began many years earlier with his Olympic dreams. After joining Pi Lambda Phi’s University of Wisconsin chapter in 1934, Lennard was selected for the 1936 US Olympic Soccer team. Lennard was excitedly on his way to the Olympic games when the United States Olympic Committee informed him they could not guarantee his safety due to his Jewish heritage. Lennard would, therefore, not be permitted to leave the ship. At that time, Germany was ruled by Adolf Hitler’s Nazi party & their intentions were to showcase Aryan ideals & prowess. Lennard’s lifelong dreams of representing the United States in the Olympics were ultimately prevented by Anti-Semitism.
     Despite this set back, Lennard closely followed fellow Olympian Jesse Owens’ experience. Owens was an African-American track & field athlete representing the United States. He achieved international fame by winning four gold medals during the Berlin Olympics. In fact, Owens was the most successful athlete at the 1936 Summer Olympics, a poignant rebuke to Adolf Hitler. Lennard’s Olympic experience had a lasting impact. He returned home committed to advocating a better understanding between people & determined to confront discrimination & segregation head on.
     Today, the EOP movement is active on 40 college campuses & universities across the U.S. & Canada. To continue setting the conditions for sensitive societal conversations to take place, the 1st Annual International Elimination of Prejudice Day will be held February 8th, 2012. Students on twenty college campuses & universities across the U.S. & Canada are organizing panel discussions. Companion student organizations (religious, political, race, etc.) are being asked to co-host events. Students are encouraged to invite college faculty & staff, including the Director of Diversity Affairs, to serve as event facilitators. To learn more about Elimination of Prejudice visit their website at www.eliminateprejudice.org.  To purchase my book & donate to Elimination of Prejudice go to http://www.lulu.com/product/18748563.
     What other ways have you found that help in the fight to eliminate prejudice? There are many other amazing programs that help. Please share them with me.

Don't Wait A Single Moment To Improve The World

Photo by WoodleyWonderworks http://www.flickr.com/photos/woodleywonderworks Thought for today:  How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world. ~Anne Frank Whenever I read a quote from Anne Frank I am moved with mixed emotions of sadness & inspiration. I am struck by her maturity & her ability to remain positive although she & her family were persecuted & in hiding. It reminds me that we all can & are responsible to find ways to make the most of our lives regardless of our circumstances. The quote above also reflects the urgency & importance of taking action right away since our time on earth is limited. We all can find a way to make a difference. It will give meaning to & increase your satisfaction with life. One person can make a difference. Anne Frank's life was cut short, but she has continued to make a difference & inspires every person who reads her words. What stops you from taking action to improve the world? Even small steps can help. Recycle, write a letter to an editor, make someone smile, teach a child about caring for others, volunteer some time to help others. What have you done lately to help improve the world? How did it feel? What have you learned in the process? Your experiences my help someone else find their way to start helping improve the world.