Special Edition IV: If Our Nation Is Suffering from PTSD, Are Courage & Vulnerability Necessary to Heal?

Thought for the Day: It is taking all my energy to stay focused on relaying my impressions from my trip to Washington DC last week with Moms Demand Action. I am finding myself working double time to keep up with my responsibilities as a psychologist, tweet, post & respond to comments on my facebook page from some people who genuinely believe that more guns are the solution to the problem. However, I think that my experiences may help people understand why it is important to keep the lines of communication open to all sides of this important dilemma. I wanted to go to DC to express my concern that our nation is struggling with post traumatic stress & fears related to multiple traumas since 9/11 which include attacks like Sandy Hook. My observations from Washington combined with my training as a psychologist & specialist dealing with trauma are intertwining in this post as I grapple with ways to help mend the society from PTSD. Bear with me as I share the details from my trip & reach some conclusions that may shed some light on both the problem & some solutions. Winston Churchill a leader who helped the world through traumatic times as well may help with his thoughts on courage.

Last Wednesday morning, bright & early at 6:45 AM,  I joined the other participants of Moms Take the Hill. I checked out of the hotel, but left my belongings there for the day. We were instructed to travel light, since we would be going through security checks multiple times during the day. Food was not allowed through some of the checkpoints, so I had coffee & a light breakfast in the lobby before getting on the bus. I sat next to a 14 year old girl who had come with her mother & sister from Dallas TX. We talked about her fears when she heard about the tragedy in Newtown. I encouraged her to tell her elected officials how she felt & what she wanted to feel safe. I also commended her for spending part of her spring vacation to join this event. We all applauded when the Team of 26 organizer Monte Frank, Newtown resident & his teenage daughter joined us on the bus. They had arrived in DC the day before after biking from Newtown to DC in conjunction with today's event.

After going through two security checks, we were directed to the Eisenhower Executive Office Building next to the White House for a White House Policy Press briefing. We were greeted by Evan Ryan, Assistant to the Vice President fro Public Engagement, Sarah Bianchi, Director of Economic & Domestic Policy Office of the Vice President & Valerie Jarrett, Senior Adviser to the President among others. They let us know how important our support is even to those who support sensible changes to the gun laws in this country. They told us they had not seen a movement like this before & were hopeful that our support was going to get action quickly. However, they also let us know that the opponents are assuming that the "Newtown effect" will disappear. We learned that the gun lobby is very actively pressuring Congress. The senators & congressmen who are standing up for change are being inundated with threats & intimidation. Although over 90% of Americans want changes to our gun laws, the gun lobby, (despite the fact that many of their members do not support them on this issue) a very vocal well organized minority group, with huge financial resources is fighting relentlessly to block any changes in gun laws. Their efforts & intimidation are making it hard for our officials to vote where their common sense & conscience would lead them. The staffers proudly announced that the Violence Against Women Act passed last week after a year of efforts in congress. Lots of pictures were taken with strings of paper dolls with each string of 8 dolls representing the 8 children who are shot & killed every day in America.

After the briefing, we took shuttle buses to Capitol Hill & went through additional security checks before meeting with our senators & congressmen. There were 6 people in my group, 5 were from CT. Our leader who would be helping us to get from meeting to meeting in a timely fashion was from Virginia. We were scheduled to meet with both of our state senators & three congressmen. A last minute change made it possible to meet with both Senators Blumenthal & Courtney together (see photo on right). Since they & the congressmen from CT are supportive of gun sense, our job was to thank them for their efforts & find out what they need from us. In addition, we would be sharing our stories with them. We would get a chance to voice our concerns about the rise in gun violence & our suggestions. Our senators & congressmen were thoughtful, supportive & listened intently to what we had to say. They appreciated our being there & encouraged us to speak with friends & family across the country about these issues. They asked us to ask everyone we know, gun owners & non-gun owners, to speak up & let their senators & congressmen know that they want stricter gun controls.

Our meeting with Representative Jim Hines had an interesting twist. He shared the fact that he is a sportsman who enjoys hunting but he is also a father who knows the time has come for greater restrictions. He said he always tries to see the issue from both sides. Although he disagrees with the gun advocates, he believes that they are fearful & fighting for safety. By recognizing that they are coming from a place of fear he hopes to keep the dialogue open. He said he thought that gun trafficking laws, mandatory background checks & increased school safety would pass. However, he feared that the ban on semi-automatic weapons & high capacity munitions would not. After we left the meeting, we wondered if we should have been more adamant that the ban on semi-automatic weapons being crucial to any significant change to deter gun violence in America. In light of Harry Reid's announcement this week that he will not include the ban of semi-automatic weapons in the bill, it appears that Representative Hines was trying to warn us.

We were in for a treat on our way to the press conference. Our group was accompanied by a senate staffer through a second level of security & boarded the underground transit reserved for elected officials. It took us directly to the US Capitol Visitor Center. The highlight of the day. for me was standing behind the speakers for the hour long press conference. During Nancy Pelosi's speach, she turned around & read a button I was wearing which said: "Protect Children, Not Guns." After the press conference I was able to go up to her & shake her hand. I thanked her for all she was doing to help keep our children safe. The energy & dedication of these courageous women who spoke was inspiring. To stand directly behind Barbara Boxer, Dianne Feinstein, Carolyn McCarthy, Elizabeth Esty & Shannon Watts was amazing. They made it clear that they will not falter & will continue the battle for sensible changes no matter how long it takes.

Our female congresswomen's courage to "mend & befriend" as opposed to "fight or flight" (see my Thursday's Psychological Trivia Answer) in the face of danger & confront our vulnerability (See today's FF Friday's Fabulous Finds #3) make it imperative that we have women, and men (Like Winston Churchill accept these parts of themselves), in Washington. These traits will help them stand up to the intense heat of the gun lobby.  Gun advocates response to feeling vulnerable is try to numb their feelings of vulnerability, to fight, assume that they have "the only answer" & close their minds to an array of possible solutions which may not be foolproof, but will help make things better.  Being able to accept vulnerability & imperfection are important steps towards creating a safer environment. To do their job & keep focusing on solutions to the problems, our leaders must see all the shades of grey. As I post here & on facebook, I have felt the angry relentless venom that fear & misinformation can ignite. I will continue to try to keep the dialogue open & hope that you will join me & those who want to make sensible changes to help bridge the gap. The barriers & multiple security checks at the White House & on Capitol Hill reflect the actions that our nation is forced to take in light of the rise in violence & fear since 9/11.  Dr. Brene Brown describes this as symptomatic of PTSD on a national level & suggests that we have a "scarcity culture" of fear & feelings of scarcity since 9/11. We must all work to mend from the impact traumatic violence is taking on our society. I believe women will lead the way in the healing process.

5 Ways to Give New Meaning to a Blue Christmas

Thought for the Day: This holiday season is challenging for everyone. This week, like many psychologists nationwide,  I have been doing critical incident work with people in Connecticut impacted by the tragedy in Newtown CT. Whether people knew someone who lost a friend or family member or not, people are struggling with how to speak with their children, cope with & accept that they are grieving. Many people are not feeling like celebrating the holidays this year, which led to this post. Although I called these ways to give new meaning to a "Blue Christmas" they apply to whatever holiday you celebrate. Here are a few ways to find new meaning during this blue holiday season.

  

One of many memorials in Newtown CT

  1) Accept your feelings as part of the normal human reaction to a tragic event.
     Yesterday, I counseled a woman in Danbury CT who had decided not to celebrate Christmas this year. She did not know anyone who was directly impacted by the tragedy but was visibly shaken fighting back tears since she was at work. Like many of the people I have met with this week, she felt a form of "survivor's guilt." In light of the anguish that we can only imagine that the families who lost a loved one are experiencing, people feel that they should not be feeling the grief they are experiencing. What I have been telling people is that their feelings, tears, anger, numbness, sorrow are normal reactions to the trauma. Feelings are not right or wrong, they just are. They act like the safety valve on a pressure cooker to let off steam & keep the pressure cooker from exploding. Your emotions are a sign that you are a caring human being struggling with an inhumane event.


      2) Create a memorial ceremony as you begin your family's event
      There are multiple ways to take some time before celebrations begin to acknowledge those lost in this tragedy. A moment of silence, a candle lighting, a prayer, a walk by the beach, or writing & sending condolence cards together with your family and friends can help you acknowledge that this holiday is different from the past. There is a digital card that is being sent which has over 2 million signatures worldwide. If you wish to send an original paper condolence card or drawing prepared with your family, here is the address:  
                Messages of Condolence for Newtown
                P.O. Box 3700
                Newtown, CT 06470
       3) Start working to prevent future tragedies
       Although we cannot promise our children that there will never be other tragedies, there are natural tragedies & bad things do happen in life. What we can do is get involved in projects that will address the loopholes that compromise our safety. There are a multitude of ways to get involved in finding the solutions to a number of challenges facing our nation. You can write to your senators & congressmen about these & other issues: 1) reforming gun control laws; 2) advocate for increased mental health resources for children & adults with serious mental illness; 3) investigate ways to reduce violence on TV, movies & video games, especially those aimed at children; and 4) advocate for comprehensive year round educational programs that work towards tolerance & a reduction of bullying in our schools & society. In addition to writing campaigns, get involved in your community's efforts to develop programs that will increase safety in our schools & neighborhoods. Depending on the ages of your children, get them involved in the discussion & activities as well.
        4) Volunteer with people less fortunate than you
         Start a new family tradition and consider volunteering. You could sign up to serve food at a homeless shelter or visit an old folks home or hospital. Bring gifts to brighten the holiday for someone who is struggling. In addition to giving gifts to your family,  have all the members of your family bring something to donate to a charity. With your children go through their toys & clothes to find things that they no longer use that is in good condition & take it to a donation center before the holiday. (Take a look at some of the nonprofits benefiting from my book for ideas of organizations that could use your help.)
         5) As hard as it is to rejoice, carrying on is reaffirming life & not allowing terror or madness to destroy what is good in the world
         It is important to bring routines and structure back into our lives, especially for children to regain a sense of safety & trust in human beings. In the Diary of Anne Frank we learned of how a family in hiding from the Nazi terrorist regime tried to keep a semblance of normalcy, including celebrations of holidays. Although her life was cut short, she lives on in the hearts of millions who have read her diary or seen the play based on her diary.  Her message has been heard around the world. Her words have bearing today as we struggle with finding the strength to rejoice following such an unthinkable tragedy. We must help our children regain trust in mankind as Anne Frank did:
Despite everything, I believe that people are really good at heart.
Anne Frank

          I hope these ideas will help you have a positive holiday experience with renewed resolve to make the world a better, safer, more peaceful place for all.

                 

Newtown: What Can Parents Do When They Are At A Loss For Words??

Thought for the Day: As the cold hard facts of the tragedy in Newtown CT are revealed on the news, the pictures are heartbreaking.  We all struggle to make sense of a senseless crime against defenseless children & teachers. There are more questions than answers swirling in everyone's heads. Some of the questions may never be answered. In this day & age with television's instantaneous reports, when trauma strikes we are all traumatized. Parents watch horrified & do not know what to say to their children. Today I will share some thoughts & coping skills, but I will also raise tough questions & would like to hear your thoughts as well. (It is a longer post, but bear with me & make sure you read the questions at the end.)

I became a reluctant expert on helping children & families deal with trauma when I was a young psychology student working on my Master's thesis in Israel when the Yom Kippur War broke out. I was also a young parent of two whose husband was in the reserves for close to a year. Hundreds of school children lost their fathers in reserve units like my husband's in the Sinai. My professor, Dr. Esther Halpern, was also my adviser on my Master's Thesis. She encouraged me to focus my thesis on ways to help children cope with war, father absence & the death of a parent during war.

I remember my concern about doing research on the subject. How could I ask children who had recently lost their fathers about how they felt about their father's death & then disappear from their lives?  She told me that as a psychologist & I would need to talk to children & adults about all kinds of difficult issues in their lives & that if a child needed additional help we would let the teachers know. She also asked if I had ever spoken to a teacher or even a stranger who had touched my life & helped me even though we only spoke once. I will never forget how grateful & surprised those children were that I asked them about their fathers. They told me that most people avoided talking to them about their fathers at all. I believe the interviews helped those children cope with their loss.

It is far more pleasant to work with people on reaching for their dreams, however, there is a time & a place for everything. Although I am a pacifist, the lessons I learned about disasters & war, have been used each time tragedy rears it's head. When it occurs,  I know I can help people through the worst of times. I am a strong believer in finding words & other ways to help people cope with loss & tragedy. I may be the only psychologist in the USA who asks every new client how they were impacted by 9/11 & the wars that have followed, but I know that the impact of trauma can be felt many years later.

Elementary School & Gunman are words we don't expect to see in the same sentence

No matter how many times I have helped people in the midst of a tragedy, I too am at first blindsided by feelings of terror, anger, sorrow, shock & disbelief. Although words fail us as adults, we must find the strength to help one another & our children through the tragedy.  When words fail us, being there, holding one another, saying that we do not know what to say is important, both for the mourners & for their supporters. We must find ways to express our feelings, since we cannot cope with our feelings if we do not know what they are.

On Friday, I was called by Cigna EAP & asked to help  employees working at a corporation in Stamford who live in Newtown. I rescheduled my clients & will be there Monday & Tuesday. Late last night a journalist, LA Bachelor , who lives in North Carolina, but was raised in Connecticut, called & asked me to come on his radio show to address what parents can do to help their children following this tragedy. We spoke at length & I look forward to helping his listeners on Monday 6-8 PM. Just two weeks ago I was speaking on another radio show helping parents struggling with the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy. Given my experience, stepping up to the plate & speaking or volunteering to help using my expertise, is one of my coping mechanisms. You too can find ways to help that will help the survivors & help you at the same time. (I will post the information about the radio show, where you can call in questions as well.) (Post a comment & your e-mail if you would like to be informed about the show.)

Those of you who have been reading my posts know that volunteerism & activism is something that I encourage & support. It is too soon for solutions, but it is important to ask the tough questions & that we all advocate to make changes that will help prevent tragedies like Newtown from happening. Let your children know that you will be searching for answers, asking the questions of your leaders, & fighting for programs that will help.

I saw the movie Lincoln last night & was struck by the parallels between President Lincoln's challenges facing the tragedy of the Civil War & President Obama fighting tears as he consoled our nation following the tragedy in Newtown. We as citizens, parents & grandparents need to advocate for our leaders to help lead our country to find ways to prevent the senseless attacks on innocent people in schools, churches, & movie theaters.

We are all hearing about the fiscal crisis. Are we ignoring the mental health & emotional crisis that is plaguing our society? Are we placing too much emphasis on grades & academic achievement & ignoring the emotional well being of our children? Are we expecting knee jerk responses & band-aid solutions to work following tragedies when long term ongoing comprehensive programs are what's needed? The shooter in Newtown was around 10 years old when 9/11 occurred. In the news they are now saying that he had Asperger's syndrome or a personality disorder. How do trauma like 9/11 & the constant barrage of movies, video games & news coverage of violence impact on all children but in particular on those with emotional issues? As parents, you can demand more comprehensive crisis prevention programs to address all kinds of issues from bullying to learning differences, to prejudice & intolerance of differences. You can encourage the gun control debate about your children's rights for life, liberty & the pursuit of happiness versus the right of citizens' to bear arms including semi-automatic weapons.

Please feel free to comment & share your thoughts.

Thanksgiving & 6 Mental Health First Aid Tips

As We Celebrate Thanksgiving, many people are still struggling with the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy

Thought for the Day: The day before Thanksgiving I was interviewed on a radio show, "Pay It Forward" with Josephine Geraci on how to cope with the trauma of Hurricane Sandy. Josephine lives on Long Island & grew up in Staten Island. She contacted me on Monday to ask that I come on the show & offer some advice to help all the people on the east coast who have been impacted by Hurricane Sandy. Although my schedule was filled with pre-holiday minutia, I agreed to do the broadcast. To me it felt like the perfect way to give to others just before the Thanksgiving weekend which is very hard following such devastation. Because of the short notice, many people did not get to listen in live, however the broadcast can be downloaded here: bit.ly/Y4dMCrbit.ly/Y4dMCr

As part of the show, I offered some tips to help people deal with the aftermath this & any trauma. I thought I'd share some of the tips here. On the 1 hour radio show, you can hear more about how you can help yourself, your family, friends,  children, neighbors & co-workers deal with the stresses that arise due to trauma. 

Picture of the home of another facebook friend

The picture on the right was from a facebook "friend" whom I've never met. It is heartbreaking to imagine having to sort through a lifetime of belongings, photos & mementos & to tear down homes they have built & cared for for years. Often we don't know what to say or do to support them. On the show, we discuss what you can do to help yourself & your loved ones.  

One of the psychologists/authors that I have "met" via linkedIn & facebook wrote to apologize that she could not listen in because she is too busy packing, packing, packing. I wrote back & found out that her house needs to be gutted. I was able to extend some words of support to her. We are all able to do something, little things can mean a lot to those who have been impacted. Here are a summary of some of the Mental Health tips I gave on the show.

 

Post Trauma Mental Health First Aid Tips
      1) Talk to people about the traumatic events. It is therapeutic even if it feels repetitious. It also allows others to support you. Know that holidays will be hard & try to be with people especially during the holidays. If you don't know what to say, give a hug & just be there with them. Watch kids for a few hours. Bring food just as you might to help a friend who is moving or after an operation.
      2) Take care of yourself: make time to relax, exercise, eat well, meditate. When we are under stress we often push ourselves to the limit & forget to take time for ourselves. Ignoring our need for rest can be counter-productive & leave us even more exhausted, overwhelmed & less able to do the tasks at hand.
      3) Help others who are less fortunate, it will help you as well. Take a look at how one woman, Vanessa McHugh of Queens, made a difference following the hurricane: The Pizza Patrol. Even a phone call to a friend to speak with them & see how they are doing can be helpful.
      4) Look for what you have to be grateful for instead of focusing on what you do not have. Take a look at some of my older posts: Whether the Glass is 1/2 full or 1/2 Empty Make the Most of What You Have Left or this one How A Motorcycle Accident and a Fire Rekindled a Dream.
      5) Be patient with yourself, it takes time to recover from losses. Although we all would like to put a loss behind us & move on quickly, our psyche takes time to recover from any loss or trauma. The average time needed to recover from major losses is a year. Grieve when you feel sad, don't ignore it. It will pass & lessen as time goes by.
      6) If you are having trouble sleeping, have headaches or other physical issues, or frequent flashbacks that do not seem to be lessening over time, speak with a professional. Even if you feel that you or your family are coping with the trauma, it may be helpful to get a mental health check up with a therapist to talk about how everyone is coping with the stress of living through a traumatic event.

I hope you continue to enjoy the rest of this Thanksgiving weekend! As always, I'd love to hear your reactions, comments & feedback. If you have questions, feel free to ask me as well. 

Thanksgiving, Alice's Restaurant & Paying It Forward

Thought for the Day: Yesterday while driving home from NYC I turned on the radio. The program was playing folk music written for Thanksgiving. It began with a short clip from Alice's Restaurant & went downhill from there. I was amazed that there were no good songs for the holiday. So I decided to do something different this time. I'm posting the original recording of Alice's Restaurant by Arlo Guthrie for you to enjoy & asking if anyone knows another good song for Thanksgiving. I would love to have you post it here. If you can't find music, perhaps there are some great poems or short stories. Please share them.

It is interesting that Alice's Restaurant is also a peace song written when our nation was at war. I am thankful that our troupes are exiting from the wars we have been fighting, although I am anxious & saddened by the violence in the Middle East & the threat of nuclear proliferation in Iran. As we give thanks for all that we have, I also am saddened by the difficulties people are suffering in New York, New Jersey & Connecticut. On Wednesday I will be doing a radio show on how to reduce the impact of traumatic stress on children & families. The program, Paying It Forward with Josephine Geraci will air Wednesday 11/21/2012 from 10 - 11 AM EST at www.toginet.com  & will be available to download after the show. If you listen live, you can call in with questions. I hope that this will help those still dealing with the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy during this Thanksgiving week. It is one way of giving to those hurt more by the Hurricane than just the inconvenience of losing power for a week.

So send me some songs, stories or poems about Thanksgiving, listen in on Wednesday if you can & have a Happy Thanksgiving!

Can Self Help Books Really Help?

Some rights reserved by victoriapeckham

Thought for the day: You've changed my life...& I thank you for it!  JCP 

This was my 4th correspondence from a reader thanking me for how the book & or therapy with the book helped them.

I tried to get the words on this photo to be clear like the original, but couldn't & decided that perhaps it's a sign that sometimes the lines between psychology & self help are blurred. What do you think? Has a self help book helped you gain self understanding? How has it helped you change your life? Stand alone or with the help of a psychologist?

To be honest, I believe that some self help books can help, but often their ability to change people's lives is limited. Usually, I see them as adjuncts to therapy or a starting point to stimulate thought & start people on a path towards change in their lives. I often suggest that clients read a book that I believe will speed up the process in therapy. 

I wrote my book to teach people how to use techniques I have developed over the years in therapy. I encourage readers to consult with a therapist if in the process they need some additional help. The book & the challenge it presents grew into something which encompasses more than me & my private practice. I have been focusing on helping the nonprofits I feature in the book. If I helped just this one person, it was worth it to me to have written this book. I know that it has the power to do much more & want it to reach as many people as possible. Here's what transpired with one of the first readers of my book:

A little over two weeks ago I received an e-mail from someone who heard me on the first internet radio program interview that I did for the book (To listen to the podcast http://toginet.com/shows/payingitforward ). Here's what she wrote:

Jan 12, 2012 Subject: Guidance?

Dear Dr. Lavi, 

After reading The Wake Up And Dream Challenge, I've come to the conclusion that I really like the way you think & I'm wondering if you might be interested in helping me...

Why am I turning to you? Your experience dealing with trauma, your credentials,... & because I trust that you could be the person to help me achieve a better life not just for me, but for my family as well.

I'm...pretty far from Connecticut...& I'm not a big fan of 45 minute sessions--they make me crazy. Just when I start to feel like the session is going somewhere, the bell rings &....to be continued next week. I hated that feeling... I was holding my heart in my hand & I would always leave counseling feeling empty.

I totally respect you as a professional & I hope that somehow we will be able to work together.

     JCP

 

      We talked on the phone & arranged a 2 & 1/2 hour session for 1/30/2012. JCP had to drive 2 hours each way to see me. She had read multiple self help books in the past & spoken to many therapists over the years, but always left feeling worse than when she came. JCP mind you, leads a successful professional life with many outstanding accomplishments, but there were skeletons in the closet that were holding her back. She never allowed herself to share some of these issues with anyone till two days ago. She feared that these trauma needed to be addressed to be more present with her husband & children. 

     We met. She trusted me & left the gift of her heart-felt history in my hands. Tears were shed leftover from years of pain. We barely touched upon the issues she is concerned with today & planned to meet again soon.

I received this e-mail from her yesterday:

Jan 31, 2012 Follow Up to yesterday's meeting

Hi Dr. Lavi,

Thank you again for taking me on as a new client. I knew deep inside that you were the right person for me.

I felt such a weight lifted off of my chest that yesterday's experience almost felt like a rebirth. But one other thing had happened that I thought was worth noting. I had jaw surgery years ago & when they went to pull the tube out of my nose, the interior of my nose never properly healed. I got accustomed to not fully being able to breath fresh air into my body. When I left you yesterday, I realized almost immediately that I could breath more freely.  I told myself it's only a matter of time that I will have build up back in my nose. I know this sounds crazy, but if you could imagine living life with a cotton ball in your left nostril--that's what was happening to me...until yesterday. 

After getting into my car, I had such a light feeling I almost didn't want to talk to anyone. I wanted to stay pure. I didn't want anyone to taint my conversation I had with you. I didn't even want to go to sleep because I was afraid I would wake up with the weight on my chest that I was also accustomed to--but no, you freed me & I feel better than I have in years!

So if you went into your profession because you truly wanted to make a difference, in the world & in the lives of people--consider your profession well chosen & consider your job well done.

You've change my life...& I thank you for it! 

              JCP

Clients have shared similar feelings in the past & it has been more than enough for me, but since I have just started to publicize my book, I decided to ask permission to share JCP's e-mail.

Jan 31, 2012 RE: Follow Up to yesterday's meeting

Dear JCP,
        Thank you for telling me. I am so glad that I was able to start working with you. Just self help books alone cannot do what therapy does. I wish I had seen you years ago, but am glad we did meet. if I had not written the book, I would never have met you!
         I know that I can & have helped people throughout my career. Can I post parts of your e-mail on my blog with just your initials saying you read my book & came for an appointment? I want people to find my book so that I can help more people!...

    
                   It is amazing how the psyche & the body are interconnected.

                              Barbara

Jan 31, 2012 RE: RE: follow up to yesterday's meeting

YES! You absolutely have my permission to use my initials. JCP

What do you think? Do self help books really help?

 

 

Are You Too Old To Start Pursuing Your Dreams?

                   Ruth Eisner started an acting career at 88 years old

Thought for the day: It is never too late to be what you might have been. – George Eliot

How many times have you thought about doing something & stopped yourself because you felt you were too old to start something new? If Anna Marie Robertson Moses had taken that stance in her late 70's the world would have been deprived of the art of acclaimed artist better known as Grandma Moses. Is there a dream you have been stopping yourself from following because you feel you are too old? Write to me, tell me about your dream & I'll help you come up with a creative way to start moving towards that dream at any age.

About a month ago on a LinkedIn group of professional psychologists & therapists, a 33 year old posted the question: Is it too late to start a psychology degree at the age of 33? I wrote a response encouraging the student & explaining why I felt it was never too late to follow your dreams. Since then there have been so many e-mail responses encouraging the man to start on his degree that I had to stop following the discussion. Hundreds of psychologists have been telling him their stories of starting back to school or finishing their degrees in their 40's 50's & 60's.

The fact that the question came from a 33 year old, however, is thought provoking. What could lead someone so young to fear that they are too old to start working on a 4 year degree? My guess is that it has to do with the second danger sign I spoke about in an earlier post, Five Danger Signs That You May Be Undermining Your Dreams. It is related to a DQ factor that can be discovered by using the Dream Quotient Questionnaire (TM). This DQ factor is connected to difficulty adjusting to life transitions. The warning signs that you may need to do some work in this area are feeling that once you have started in one direction in your life, it is too late to change your course.

A similar dilemma arose for one of the clients, George, whom I story is included in my book. George was nearing graduation from college. He was only 21 but also afraid to change his path & follow new dreams. George had dreamed of becoming an EMT, like his father, from when he was a little boy. His parents encouraged him to go to college even though he wanted to start working as an EMT after completing high school. As a compromise, he did both. He worked part-time as a volunteer EMT throughout his college years. When he neared graduation he was still intent on continuing in his dream profession. A call to assist following a car accident changed the course of his life & led him to reevaluate his dreams.

George had been on tough calls before, but this one traumatized him. Perhaps it was the age of the victims who were college students like himself,  or the horrific nature of the accident, or graduation & being ready to start life in the "real" post college world which was just moths away, but George was suddenly unsure whether he was on the right path. For the first time in his life, he had no idea ofwhat he wanted to do with the rest of his life. He worked in therapy to overcome the trauma & was able to return to work as an EMT, but his heart was no longer in it. His Dream Positioning System (DPS) work helped him discover new directions & dreams. He chose to enroll in business school & to do volunteer work for Students Against Drunk Driving. He wanted to start doing work to prevent accidents like the one he had seen. He hoped to start a foundation to lobby against alcohol advertizing on college campuses.

D.R.E.A.M. Program

Ruth Eisner, the budding actress in the video clip at the beginning of this post was discovered because she lived in one of the residences run by Menorah Park in Ohio. Menorah Park's Dream program, which produced a YouTube video that went viral for Ruth, is one of the Dream Nonprofits featured in & benefiting from my book, The Wake Up And Dream Challenge. In addition to helping Ruth, they have helped senior citizens accomplish hundreds of dreams in the six years since the Dream Program was founded. They realized the impact  that unfulfilled dreams have on older adults as they near the end of their lives. Fulfilling their dreams, big or small gives senior citizens deep personal satisfaction, comfort & peace as they reckon with the final stages of their lives.

National media took notice when they arranged a call from an American Idol judge & a rock star for a seventy-two-pound woman with ALS. Camera crews swooped in for footage of a ninety-year-old woman’s thrilling ride on a motorcycle with the city’s Mayor. The media showed the world artistic vision can continue throughout life. Not only did they broadcast the story of a dream-come-true of a legally blind resident in his ‘90’s who displayed his stunning art in a gallery for the first time, but he also appeared for the first time on television. News of 13 couples who dreamed of renewing long-time wedding vows went international.

The community has become reeducated about the possibilities, vitality & richness that can & does exist in later years. Each person matters & each has unique energy & passion. Menorah Park believes in ensuring their residents are happy, loved & appreciated; their dreams matter to Menorah Park. How amazing it is that through excellence in communication the many forces of good can come together to make this time in residents’ lives a very special time when dreams come true.

I chose to include Menorah Park's Dream Program in my book to show that it is never too late to start on your path towards a dream. In addition to supporting this program, I hope that other centers for senior living will learn about it & initiate similar programs for their residents. If you would like to contribute to this amazing project, half of the profits from your purchase of The Wake Up And Dream Challenge will go to the Dream Program at Menorah Park Center for Senior Living.

When Johnny Comes Marching Home Are We Ready To Support Our Veterans in Times of Peace

Thought for the day: The world has had glimpses of Gabby Giffords injury & amazing, yet still challenging rehabilitation. Our veterans returning from Iraq's injuries are often less visible. We rallied to support our troupes while they were at war, but the war to fight for rehabilitation will continue for many years. Programs like Higher Ground are ready but need our support to do their good work.

Do you know a veteran or a family of a veteran who could use some help? Share their stories & by all means let them know about Higher Ground.
For this post, I'd like to share a chapter from my book describing how Higher Ground, one of 21 Dream Nonprofits featured helps wounded warriors reach their dreams as they recover from the trauma & physical injuries of war.
 

Julio and Maria

Two years after graduating high school, Julio lacked direction in his life. He felt trapped. He saw no opportunities on the horizon in his home of Puerto Rico. After much searching, Julio found a career with plenty of room for advancement—one which would bring financial stability for his family, & provide opportunities for higher education. At the age of twenty, Julio enlisted in the United States Army.

During his first years of active duty, Julio enjoyed the path he had chosen. He had a secure job with great benefits. He, along with his young family, enjoyed visiting parts of the world they might never have had the chance to see. Eventually Julio received orders; he was being deployed to Iraq. While nervous & hesitant to leave his wife & baby daughter, Julio felt honored to have the opportunity to serve his country.

While in Iraq, Julio was exposed to multiple improvised explosive devices (IEDs). Like most soldiers, he simply pulled himself up by his bootstraps & moved forward. He ignored the chronic headaches & grogginess he was feeling. Then, while mounted atop a Humvee in Fallujah, Julio’s unit was ambushed. Julio was shot through the right eye by a sniper. The gunshot & blast exposures resulted in multiple cranial fractures, & a detached retina in his left eye.

When he returned stateside, Julio awoke from a coma & discovered he had lost 90% of his vision, & suffered a severe traumatic brain injury (TBI). Julio also suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) reliving his battle experiences daily. He found himself on ‘edge’ in public & dependant on others for care. Julio felt distant from his wife, & unable to handle the anxiety brought on by his three young children.

With a three-year-old daughter, a new set of twin girls, & a severely disabled husband, Maria was overwhelmed by grief, exhausted by the task of being her husband’s caretaker & trying to run a household. Her challenges seemed insurmountable. She felt guilty leaving her husband’s side for even a moment, fearful that he might experience further harm. Julio was going through the medical board process. Although confident he would eventually receive his full pay & benefits, in the meantime, Julio received only a portion of his active duty pay.

While going through treatment at the VA hospital, Julio’s caseworker told him about the—Sun Valley Adaptive SportsProgram in Idaho—called Higher Ground (HG). Julio made contact with a Recreational Therapist on the HG team, & quickly developed a new friendship. Julio felt excited for the first time since his injury. He applied to a couple’s snow sports camp because neither he nor Maria had ever seen snow. Here was a chance for adventure. It would be a place to once again feel a sense of camaraderie with other veterans. This was a way for his wife to find the support of other spouses. They both could receive the individual attention of a team of therapists to teach them coping strategies. 

When asked what motivated him to join HG Julio replied, “I was a lifelong surfer before my injury, now I’m not able to even get in the ocean by myself. I think about it constantly. Learning to snowboard will prove to me that I’m still capable; it will show my wife she doesn’t have to always be watching over me.” In response to the same question, Maria replied, “I just want to see my husband smile again.”

Julio’s first day on the mountain taught him that he had grossly underestimated his potential. To the amazement of his instructor, he was making full runs—snowboarding from the top to the bottom of the mountain. Maria’s joy came from seeing what her husband could do independently. The staff of HG gained her confidence. For the first time in years, she was able to leave Julio’s side without anxiety. “I left Julio to go out & do something fantastic…it was the first time in years I was able to let him go; to let him be who he was before his injuries.” Maria grew increasingly comfortable at camp leaving Julio on his own.

In group therapy sessions Maria learned how to cope with her husband’s hardships. She also gained new insight into Julio’s Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) & Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Most importantly, Maria learned that Julio was capable of being an independent man.

Before leaving, Julio thanked the HG staff, saying, “I’m going home with new confidence, but more importantly my wife has been able to be herself & not worry about me constantly.” As part of the HG program, the couple came up with a goal they wished to accomplish in the next year. Julio proudly stood in front of his new unit & announced that within one year he & his Maria would have a proper wedding in front of her family in the church she once attended in the Dominican Republic.

Julio decided it was time to be proactive in his recovery & applied to a blind rehabilitation center. Six months after joining the HG family, Julio called the staff. He was so excited that he could barely contain himself. “I just got back from seeing Maria & the kids. No one came to pick me up! I left the hospital, went to the train station, walked to the house, & surprised Maria at the door. I DID IT ALL BY MYSELF!” The HG staff was brought to tears when Julio said, “You have heard of the snowball effect? I believe that sometimes that snowball can defy gravity & gain momentum & mass as it rolls uphill. My snowball started on top of a mountain in Idaho, followed me home to Florida, through blind rehab, & will be with me when I stand next to my wife at the altar.”

This true story is only one of many that the team at Higher Ground proudly shares. HG is now recognized as a leader in their industry from the Department of Defense, The Joint Chiefs of Staff, The Department of Excellence, & a host of military & VA medical installations nationwide. In their holistic approach to rehabilitation, HG provides therapy & support to those caring for wounded veterans. HG offers: the longest follow up program in the industry; daily therapeutic themes that provide the tools necessary to find success in life; resources nationally & in their home community; referrals to programs meeting medical, educational, familial, & social needs; a reintegration budget to continue the momentum at home; &, access to these services 100% cost free to the veterans & their supporters. In addition, HG staff conducts research with major universities assessing the efficacy of their techniques. They also present at conferences & seminars nationwide teaching others how to conduct effective therapeutic recreation programs.

It’s the dream of the HG staff to improve the quality of care provided to American heroes nationwide! 

To support their dream you can purchase The Wake Up And Dream Challenge at http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/the-wake-up-and-dream-challenge/18745116 Half the profits will go to Higher Ground supporting our recovering veterans.