Thoughtful Tuesdays: Note 2 Younger Self Part II: What Makes One Person Survive and Thrive & Another Bend & Surrender?

Thought for the Day: Yesterday, I  began sharing the results from my mini research project. I am excited to let you know that people have already written responses to some of the questions I posed. By doing so, I hope that the posts will become even richer. Thank you in advance for your thoughtful comments. Today, I want to address another type of two word notes of advice to your younger selves which reflects a group of inspirational people, I called “survivors.”  This group is in many ways the one we can all learn the most from since they have learned from and overcome painful life experiences. Even without knowing the stories behind their two word advice my heart could feel that there lives had not been easy. They learned their lessons from the school of hard knocks. They reach out to their younger selves with messages like:

      "So Sorry, Tell Someone, Set Boundaries, Grow Anyway, Waste Your Youth, Why God?, Don’t Worry, Behave Yourself. Quit Drinking, Stop Crying, Choose Happiness, You’re Not to Blame, Endure.”

A few of these brave survivors shared their stories. I will cautiously tell you about their journeys without giving details that could identify them. There were thirteen people from the 72 in the study whose responses seemed to fit this category. One person explained, "because I am not where I want to be in life. I could never have imagined that my life would turn out like it has. Essentially, I feel drained, beaten, and slighted by fate. I turn to God and ask why.” They went on to say that they chose a question for their younger self which they could interpret on their own. It had taken ten years, but somehow they trusted that their younger self would find the answers. 

Another person from this group who is only in their twenties would advise their teenage self "not to worry." They had learned that worrying made it harder to cope with raising three young children. Becoming a parent may be a fast track to wisdom beyond your years. 

It was interesting to learn that many of the survivors in this study were in their teens when they broke away from a painful life experience. Literally, some “burned” their path to freedom when they stopped trying to fit into someone else’s expectations or were forced to build boundaries between themselves and someone who was abusive to them. One of these “survivors" took only 90 minutes to escape, moved away, started a business and made a “fresh start” when she had barely entered adulthood. 

For others the journey would take much longer with the issues coming back to haunt them after 40 years. Some found their strength through therapy, others through volunteer work with young adults coping with similar difficulties. For some the death of the person who abused or the loss of a loved one reopened wounds that they had considered buried and resolved.

The conclusion to “Choose Happiness" came to one of the members of this group after “spending a lot of (their) life letting clinical depression get the better of (them) and taking a long time to realize that (they) had to decide to get the better of it.” 

Only one woman (now just in her early 20’s) from all the participants in the study had different messages for herself at different ages. Her progression and development were reflected in the shift in the advice she would give to her younger selves. Although she did not say what led to her tears and fears, her first comment to her 18 - 20 year old self, "stop crying.” would place her in the survivors group.  As she matured and found more strength, her self talk would bring her into one of the other groups with words of self encouragement: “Go On” and finally to the recognition of “You’re right.” 

This young woman’s journey is similar to others in the survivor’s group. They needed to learn that they were not to blame for things that happened to them or those they loved. One participant’s touching powerful words would be applicable to many of the others in this group,  "I was reminded that.... I needed to forgive myself. Not because I thought I could have done something differently, but because I kept blaming myself for what others had done to me. This left me consumed with rage and anger and as a result, I was NOT living life to the fullest." 

Although the survivors have suffered and made mistakes, they, unlike those who surrender, seem to intuitively have gained wisdom and found resilient ways to overcome adversity. What gives these people the strength and wisdom to break away and save themselves from the tenuous situations even when they are barely adults? One of the threads that they seem to have in common is that they were forced into roles of responsibility in order to survive and stepped up to the plate. Some had to fend for themselves at a young age. Others became young parents. It could be that being forced to learn to parent yourself at a young age, even if your parents were neglectful, acts as a catalyst for growth, self awareness and wisdom. One of my readers, +Sidra Luna,  sent me a link to an article on the positive aspects of the twentysomething brain. When tragedy befalls someone at a young age, their developing brain may have some unique qualities which are advantageous and help them cope. For some of these young survivors, their youthful passion, fearlessness in the face of risk and curiosity about human nature, may help them discover solutions to their dilemmas.

I have worked with people who are survivors throughout my career and am always impressed by their strength, wisdom and bravery. My guess is that somewhere along the way there was someone, a parent, grandparent or teacher who loved them and helped them know they were worthy of having a better life. What do you think? What allows one person to survive and thrive when another bends and surrenders?

Thoughtful Thursday: Making This Blog More Responsive To Your Needs:

Thought for the Day: I know that it is Friday, but I have been really busy communication with my readers. Thanks to their wonderful comments and conversations I have been having with them, this has been an inspiring week for me. There have been over a hundred responses to my post on Monday! I have tried to correspond with everyone who has written a comment. I must admit it has been a bit overwhelming, but exciting at the same time. The question, "What 2 Word Advice Would You Give To Your Younger Self?" hit a chord for many people. As I said yesterday, I want to give people time to write back and tell more of their personal stories. Then I want to take time to understand how they reached their 2 word note to themselves. After I organize and make sense of the responses, I believe I will have several posts on how we grow, develop and learn from our experiences.

I also feel Monday's post may have shifted my approach to this blog. I love having more interaction with you, my readers. I know that the blog is being read since there have been over 133,000 page views since I began writing less than 3 years ago. I also know that many people enjoy the posts, but I want to be sure it really meets your needs. I not only want it to help you learn about yourselves but also show you how psychology can help you improve your lives. In the interim, from now till next Monday, if you have more 2 word notes to yourselves that you would like to share as part of this experiment, feel free to do so. On Monday, I will try to present the first set of results.

If you have ideas or topics you would like me to address, please share them. Thanks in advance for your help and comments as I begin to redesign the structure of this blog and make it more responsive to your needs.

The Next Big Thing Blog Hop

Thought for the Day: Sometimes you need to take a leap of faith & try something new. Perhaps you will discover The Next Big Thing!

     Today my blog is very different. It is longer than my usual posts, but it is also part of something bigger than usual. Last week, Rev. Dr. Sharon Jacobson invited me to be part of a blog hop called The Next Big Thing. I've never done a blog hop before, but I decided to try it & see how it works. The purpose is to help readers discover the next great book or author; i.e., the one they will be compelled to read or the author who's work they simply can't put down. I had never heard of Sharon Jacobson's work before, but her inspirational bent connecting her experiences with food to spirituality sounds intriguing. I am looking forward to reading something outside of the norm for me. Her current book The Zenful Kitchen, is stories about food, family, friends & life changing moments related to sharing food. It is not a cook book, but there will be some recipes along with stories about how food & good company has changed her life. Check out Sharon's latest book & blog. What is exciting about this blog hop is the opportunity to learn about authors from various genres & styles. Her work might be the Next Big Thing, or perhaps mine is. Who knows?

       Since the Wake Up and Dream Challenge is non-fiction, thinking about my work, based on questions that were designed for fictional writers was a creative exercise for me. It put my work into a totally different perspective. So, this week, I am going to answer 10 questions & tell you about how The Wake Up and Dream Challenge grew & developed into the book it is today. It also gave me some great inspiration for photos, I hope you like them as well! Of course, as always, feel free to comment & ask me questions to keep the dialogue going.

 

1) What is the working title of your book? 


     The working title for my next book is: Jack of All Trades, Master of Many. I am too busy letting people know about my 1st book to work on it yet, but the ideas are brewing! My next book will illustrate how people are accomplishing multiple dreams. Hopefully, my readers will share their stories of how my current book helped them become Jacks of All Trades and Masters of Many.
     The Wake Up and Dream Challenge is the title of my book. The working title while I wrote the book, however, was Wake Up and Dream. It was not until I thought I had finished the book that the title changed (and  then it took a year of additional work to complete the book). When I applied my own techniques, I realized that I wanted the book to do more than teach people how to accomplish their dreams. I wanted it to help non-profit organizations help others reach their dreams as well. I set out to find creative organizations that make a difference in the lives countless people. Since the book is self-published, I share 1/2 of the profits with these amazing charities. The inspirational stories of how they make dreams happen are included in the book.

2) Where did the idea come from for the book? 
     The idea started when I learned a goal setting technique that I began to use with my clients. Over the year I changed the technique & observed the way it helped my clients overcome all kinds of obstacles & transform their lives. I felt compelled to share their stories & the techniques that helped them with a larger audience. The techniques are simple, yet profound & powerful. It gives people a way to turn their wildest dreams into manageable action plans.

3) What genre does your book fall under? 
     It is a combination of Psychology, Self Help & Inspirational genres.

4) Which actors would you choose to play your characters in a movie rendition? 
     I only chose 3 of the former clients portrayed in the book. All of the clients stories are based on the lives of real people, but their appearance & other identifying details have been changed to protect their confidentiality, so using actors is not a bad idea. Here's a  a short description of each of the "characters" & why I chose a specific actor to portray them. 
     I could see Kathy Bates playing Jody. Here's a description of Jody on the day I first met her:
             "It was a stormy day when Jody first came into my office; her curly
        black hair was damp and frizzy, showing all the signs of the dreary
        landscape outside. Jody was an over-weight, fifty-year-old, whose
        wrinkled face made her look at least ten years older than she was....
        Beginning her story, Jody apologized for her tears and wiped
        her eyes, revealing the dark circles she had tried to mask with an
        overabundance of make-up. There was a proud, intelligent woman
        struggling to maintain her dignity inside this cheerless figure; a woman
        who never thought she would need to see a psychologist.
        As she looked around nervously, Jody stared at the door and
        seemed ready to bolt for freedom. Pausing, Jody tilted her head towards
        the floor as if she wanted her foot to stop tapping so that she could
        compose herself. In almost a whisper, she said, “I’m not crazy but I’m
        at my wits’ end. Sometimes I think about putting my head in a gas oven
        and simply ending the pain."
     I chose Kathy Bates for her ability to capture the shame, hopelessness & despair Jody felt when she first came to see me. The book tells how she regained her will to live & discovered how to thrive despite chronic pain. I believe Kathy Bates could portray both the depression & the joy, strength, & gratitude the new Jody exuded after she learned how to wake up and dream when she was "pinching herself" to be sure she was not dreamng.
     I'd choose Julia Roberts to play the part of Linda's transformation from someone who was trapped in her own self doubt to a woman who discovered her creativity & power as a thought leader &  teacher. I had helped Linda's daughter in therapy, but did not know Linda well before she called for an appointment for herself. Here's a brief description of Linda's first session:
           Linda was a striking forty-three year-old redhead, who dressed
        in a simple ‘classic’ style. Her tailored suits were a bit conservative,
        although she always added a splash of color with a scarf or an
        interesting piece of jewelry. When she arrived, this bright and well
        educated woman sat stiffly on the edge of the couch in my office, as if
        she was afraid to get too comfortable. On the phone, she’d provided no
        clue as to the purpose of her sudden visit, so I waited patiently for her
        to tell me what was wrong.
            Slowly, Linda began to open up, but avoided all eye contact as
        she spoke. It was obvious that she was working especially hard to stay
        composed. She would slow down her words and take deep breaths,
        acting as if she were trying desperately to hide any signs of fear,
        anxiety or sadness as she spoke about her life. Linda had always felt
        awkward in social situations; this was how her ‘confession-type’ speech
        began. Her husband was a business and finance expert and, because of
        his occupation, he traveled for speaking engagements around the world.
        Even though Linda sometimes accompanied him, she tried desperately
        to avoid going with him whenever she could. In essence, she never
        knew what to say to her husband’s business associates. She felt as out
        of place and awkward as her daughter had in high school.   
      This was Linda before she learned how to stop living in other people's dreams.  Today, Linda is a lawyer teaching law & traveling with her husband whenever she can. I think Julia Roberts could show the changes in this combination of Pretty Woman & Erin Brockovitch-like transformations.
      For George, I had to pick two actors, I'd need a combination of a young Joe Namath or any of the strong ex-football players turned actor & Denzel Washington would work. Since I don't know Joe Namath's career very well, I needed to add Denzel Washington for his ability to show strong emotions which he did so well in his latest film "Flight."  Here's a bit more about George's character:
             George was a strikingly handsome man who
        worked out daily, and owned the muscles to prove it. His friends fondly
        referred to him as the “jolly blond giant.” Unlike most twenty-one year
        old men, George had known what he wanted to do with his life for as
        long as he could remember.
             His father had been an EMT and George wanted to follow in his
        footsteps. George had wanted to go directly into the profession, but his
        father had insisted that he go to college in order to get a well-rounded
        education. Impatient to get started in the field he loved, George became
        a volunteer EMT, worked part-time on weekends and had been looking
        forward to graduating in a few months to start working full-time as an EMT.
            A month before he came in to see me, everything in George’s
        life changed. A call came in for a three-car accident on Interstate 95
        South. He had responded to similar calls in the past, but this time was
        far different for George. An SUV filled with college students crashed
        into a truck, flipped over into oncoming traffic, and was then hit by a
        van. The only survivor in the SUV was the driver who was bruised,
        dazed and drunk.
            George couldn’t get the images of the crash out of his head. He
        had always loved his job as an EMT, but now he suddenly dreaded
        going to work.
     The contradictory combination of George's striking physical strength with the paralyzing fears, phobias & depression would be the challenge for any actor. Denzel Washington could also bring to the screen George's new found passion & purpose which ensued after working on his DPS (Dream Positioning Syatem). 
      I'm not sure who I would pick to play me in a movie. My first thought was Meryl Streep, however, I have not liked her portrayals of therapists in the past. Perhaps Susan Sarandon or Sally Field. Personally, I find most actors & actresses do not do too well as therapists.

5) What is the one-sentence synopsis of your book?      This book will teach you how to 'dream it forward' & navigate your way to your dreams at any age regardless of financial, health or personal challenges.
 
6) Will your book be self-published or represented by an agency?
    The book was 1st self-published on Lulu. A new edition, supported by my new website, WakeUpAnddreamChallenge.com, was launched  yesterday! Here's a link to the hot off the press press release. Kiwi Publishing is my new publisher, however, I am keeping my publishing rights so that I can still share the profits with the "dream nonprofits" featured in my book. By switching publishers, I was able to significantly lower the price of the book for my readers without lowering the profits shared with the non-profit organizations.

7) How long did it take you to write the first draft of your manuscript?      The first draft took only a few months to write; however, it lay dormant for a few years before I decided to rewrite & publish it. The revisions & addition of the nonprofit profiles which I added took about a year and a half to two years to complete.

8) What other books would you compare this story to within your genre? 
     It is part Chicken Soup for the Soul and Happy For No Reason.

9) Who or What inspired you to write this book?

    Witnessing my clients as they achieved amazing transformations & accomplishments inspired me to write this book. Before I assigned any of my techniques to my clients, I used them myself. I knew that they worked because I saw how they helped me expand my horizons, but I was not stuck before I began using these tools. When I saw how it helped people who had been in dire straights reach their dreams, I knew I needed to share them with a wider audience. I know that it is not a good marketing strategy, however, this book is really appropriate for people from all ages, educational & socioeconomic levels. My college interns find it can help them change their lives. People in mid-life crisis see it as a way to redesign their lives. Retirees see it as a way to find new beginnings.

10) What else about your book might pique the reader’s interest? 
 
      Don't let the word challenge stop you from choosing this book to help you reach your dreams. Just by buying the book, you are already joining my challenge to make a difference in the world & helping others reach for their dreams. Although the stories of my clients are inspirational, the techniques are down to earth, easy to understand & accomplish. When you take the time to work on your Dream Positioning System (DPS) you will be amazed at what you may discover about yourself & your aspirations. The techniques will free you & allow you to consider ways to do things you may have never imagined doing before reading the book.

      Thank you again, Sharon! Can’t wait to read your newest book, The Zenful Kitchen.

Be prepared to explore new interesting authors!

Watch next week for these five new authors joining the Blog Hop:  Ashley Fontainne, a new best selling fantasy novelist, if you like dragons & fairies, you will want to explore her books; Smadar Belkind Gerson, a genealogist who also happens to be my daughter, published my grandmother's journal & continues to uncover hidden treasures of family history; Troy Lewis, tells the true story of how a stranger saved the his life & started a chain reaction which has saved the lives of others; Donnetta Quinones, a doctoral student in Psychology whose book is in the planning stages as she completes her degree & helps students reach their potential; & Bruce Judish, who writes historical fiction & critiques Christian fiction. You won’t want to miss reading about these wonderful authors upcoming projects. They will be joining the Blog Hop next Wednesday, December 5th, so be sure to check them out then.