Thoughtful Tuesdays: Note 2 Younger Self Part II: What Makes One Person Survive and Thrive & Another Bend & Surrender?

Thought for the Day: Yesterday, I  began sharing the results from my mini research project. I am excited to let you know that people have already written responses to some of the questions I posed. By doing so, I hope that the posts will become even richer. Thank you in advance for your thoughtful comments. Today, I want to address another type of two word notes of advice to your younger selves which reflects a group of inspirational people, I called “survivors.”  This group is in many ways the one we can all learn the most from since they have learned from and overcome painful life experiences. Even without knowing the stories behind their two word advice my heart could feel that there lives had not been easy. They learned their lessons from the school of hard knocks. They reach out to their younger selves with messages like:

      "So Sorry, Tell Someone, Set Boundaries, Grow Anyway, Waste Your Youth, Why God?, Don’t Worry, Behave Yourself. Quit Drinking, Stop Crying, Choose Happiness, You’re Not to Blame, Endure.”

A few of these brave survivors shared their stories. I will cautiously tell you about their journeys without giving details that could identify them. There were thirteen people from the 72 in the study whose responses seemed to fit this category. One person explained, "because I am not where I want to be in life. I could never have imagined that my life would turn out like it has. Essentially, I feel drained, beaten, and slighted by fate. I turn to God and ask why.” They went on to say that they chose a question for their younger self which they could interpret on their own. It had taken ten years, but somehow they trusted that their younger self would find the answers. 

Another person from this group who is only in their twenties would advise their teenage self "not to worry." They had learned that worrying made it harder to cope with raising three young children. Becoming a parent may be a fast track to wisdom beyond your years. 

It was interesting to learn that many of the survivors in this study were in their teens when they broke away from a painful life experience. Literally, some “burned” their path to freedom when they stopped trying to fit into someone else’s expectations or were forced to build boundaries between themselves and someone who was abusive to them. One of these “survivors" took only 90 minutes to escape, moved away, started a business and made a “fresh start” when she had barely entered adulthood. 

For others the journey would take much longer with the issues coming back to haunt them after 40 years. Some found their strength through therapy, others through volunteer work with young adults coping with similar difficulties. For some the death of the person who abused or the loss of a loved one reopened wounds that they had considered buried and resolved.

The conclusion to “Choose Happiness" came to one of the members of this group after “spending a lot of (their) life letting clinical depression get the better of (them) and taking a long time to realize that (they) had to decide to get the better of it.” 

Only one woman (now just in her early 20’s) from all the participants in the study had different messages for herself at different ages. Her progression and development were reflected in the shift in the advice she would give to her younger selves. Although she did not say what led to her tears and fears, her first comment to her 18 - 20 year old self, "stop crying.” would place her in the survivors group.  As she matured and found more strength, her self talk would bring her into one of the other groups with words of self encouragement: “Go On” and finally to the recognition of “You’re right.” 

This young woman’s journey is similar to others in the survivor’s group. They needed to learn that they were not to blame for things that happened to them or those they loved. One participant’s touching powerful words would be applicable to many of the others in this group,  "I was reminded that.... I needed to forgive myself. Not because I thought I could have done something differently, but because I kept blaming myself for what others had done to me. This left me consumed with rage and anger and as a result, I was NOT living life to the fullest." 

Although the survivors have suffered and made mistakes, they, unlike those who surrender, seem to intuitively have gained wisdom and found resilient ways to overcome adversity. What gives these people the strength and wisdom to break away and save themselves from the tenuous situations even when they are barely adults? One of the threads that they seem to have in common is that they were forced into roles of responsibility in order to survive and stepped up to the plate. Some had to fend for themselves at a young age. Others became young parents. It could be that being forced to learn to parent yourself at a young age, even if your parents were neglectful, acts as a catalyst for growth, self awareness and wisdom. One of my readers, +Sidra Luna,  sent me a link to an article on the positive aspects of the twentysomething brain. When tragedy befalls someone at a young age, their developing brain may have some unique qualities which are advantageous and help them cope. For some of these young survivors, their youthful passion, fearlessness in the face of risk and curiosity about human nature, may help them discover solutions to their dilemmas.

I have worked with people who are survivors throughout my career and am always impressed by their strength, wisdom and bravery. My guess is that somewhere along the way there was someone, a parent, grandparent or teacher who loved them and helped them know they were worthy of having a better life. What do you think? What allows one person to survive and thrive when another bends and surrenders?

#FF Friday's Fabulous Finds: Education, Employment, Parenting, Autism & a Miraculous Rescue from Washington Mudslide

Found on teacherspayteachers.com

Thought for the Day: Here are my fabulous finds for the week. For teachers and therapists there is a game that helps children learn how to express their feelings. For the unemployed, there's some advice from James Caan on how to explain gaps on your resume. From a travel editor celebrating her first child's first birthday a wish list of things she hopes for her child to become and have in his life. Whenever new research offers a glimmer of hope to help explain the complex disorder of autism or other psychological disorders, I try to share them, the forth find is one such study. Finally, I saved the best for last with some incredible footage of the rescue of a 4 year old child from the devastating mudslide in Washington state this week. How the rescuers saw the boy is miraculous. Sadly, his father and two siblings have not been found. He was however reunited with his mother who was at work when the mudslide occurred. In the midst of tragedy, sometimes miracles happen. Have a great weekend. 

Thursday's Psychology Trivia Answer: At What Age Do Humans Have the Largest Number of Brain Cells?

Thought for the Day: I must remind myself to spend more time researching my trivia facts before posting the question. On Tuesday, I asked:

 At what age humans have the largest number of brain cells?                a) 5 years old                b) 45 years old                c) 30 years old                d) 2 years old                e) 18 years old

The answer, d) 2 years old, was based on a fact I found a while ago on Likes.com which said:

Humans have more brain cells at the age of two than at any other time of their lives. What happens then, is the brain kills off the cells it deems unnecessary for the future. When people are telling you that the first couple years of a kid's life are their most important, they aren't really lying!

After I posted it, a follower,  Enaa Aussen from google+, wrote:

Yesterday 12:39 PM

 

at about 14

not 5 or 45

unless u are meaning the insulation cells and blood vessels too....
then its gonna be maybe 30 to 40...

Read more

Barbara Lavi

Yesterday 12:43 PM

 

+Enaa Aussen Come back tomorrow for the answer. Thanks for guessing

Enaa Aussen

Yesterday 1:03 PM

 

i wasn't guessing....
i am an md
my mum is a neurobiologist....
her bf is a psychiatrist...
we discuss this kind of stuff since i was 8

So I began to question the oversimplified fact I found on Likes.com. I should have known better, since I continuously tell you that there is really no trivial psychology. There are multiple interpretations of most "facts" in the field.

So here are a few quotes from articles about the development of the human brain:

In an article called, Children and Brain Development: What We Know About How Children Learn, Judith Graham, Extension human development specialist & Leslie A. Forstadt, Ph.D. Child and Family Development Specialist write that, 

"At birth, a baby’s brain contains 100 billion neurons, roughly as many nerve cells as there are stars in the Milky Way, and almost all the neurons the brain will ever have. The brain starts forming prenatally, about three weeks after conception. Before birth, the brain produces trillions more neurons and “synapses” (connections between the brain cells) than it needs. During the first years of life, the brain undergoes a series of extraordinary changes.In the brain, the neurons are there at birth, as well as some synapses. As the neurons mature, more and more synapses are made. At birth, the number of synapses per neuron is 2,500, but by age two or three, it’s about 15,000 per neuron. The brain eliminates connections that are seldom or never used, which is a normal part of brain development."

In an answer to the question, "Are You Born With All Your Brain Cells Or Do You Grow New Ones?" Pasko Rakdic, Professor of Neuroscience and Neurology at the Kavli Institute at Yale University writes that:

"Shortly after birth in humans, a substantial number of new nerve cells are produced and added to brain regions called the cerebellum, olfactory bulb, prefrontal cortex, and hippocampus. But by age 2, neurogenesis in most of these regions disappears except in the hippocampus — a region involved in learning and memory. This may be the only location in the brain where new cells are added throughout one’s lifetime. ...The fact that the majority of our neurons are as old as we are might be what allows us to remember our history and build civilization."

FAQ Zero to Three http://www.zerotothree.org/child-development/brain-development/faqs-on-the-brain.html#experience

In FAQ on ZerotoThree.org's page an explanation of pruning of neurons around age 2 is given in this way:

"Those (Neurons) that are consistently turned on over time will be strengthened, while those that are rarely excited may be dropped away. Or, as neuroscientists sometimes say, "Cells that fire together, wire together." The elimination of unused neural circuits, also referred to as "pruning," may sound harsh, but it is generally a good thing. It streamlines children's neural processing, making the remaining circuits work more quickly and efficiently. Without synaptic pruning, children wouldn't be able to walk, talk, or even see properly."

So although at age 2 years we may have the largest number of brain cells,  it does not account for the growth of connections & synapses between brain cells which continue at a rapid rate in early childhood into adolescence. There are also findings that some parts of the brain continue to grow cells throughout our lives albeit at a much slower pace.