Thoughtful Tuesdays: Note 2 Younger Self Part II: What Makes One Person Survive and Thrive & Another Bend & Surrender?

Thought for the Day: Yesterday, I  began sharing the results from my mini research project. I am excited to let you know that people have already written responses to some of the questions I posed. By doing so, I hope that the posts will become even richer. Thank you in advance for your thoughtful comments. Today, I want to address another type of two word notes of advice to your younger selves which reflects a group of inspirational people, I called “survivors.”  This group is in many ways the one we can all learn the most from since they have learned from and overcome painful life experiences. Even without knowing the stories behind their two word advice my heart could feel that there lives had not been easy. They learned their lessons from the school of hard knocks. They reach out to their younger selves with messages like:

      "So Sorry, Tell Someone, Set Boundaries, Grow Anyway, Waste Your Youth, Why God?, Don’t Worry, Behave Yourself. Quit Drinking, Stop Crying, Choose Happiness, You’re Not to Blame, Endure.”

A few of these brave survivors shared their stories. I will cautiously tell you about their journeys without giving details that could identify them. There were thirteen people from the 72 in the study whose responses seemed to fit this category. One person explained, "because I am not where I want to be in life. I could never have imagined that my life would turn out like it has. Essentially, I feel drained, beaten, and slighted by fate. I turn to God and ask why.” They went on to say that they chose a question for their younger self which they could interpret on their own. It had taken ten years, but somehow they trusted that their younger self would find the answers. 

Another person from this group who is only in their twenties would advise their teenage self "not to worry." They had learned that worrying made it harder to cope with raising three young children. Becoming a parent may be a fast track to wisdom beyond your years. 

It was interesting to learn that many of the survivors in this study were in their teens when they broke away from a painful life experience. Literally, some “burned” their path to freedom when they stopped trying to fit into someone else’s expectations or were forced to build boundaries between themselves and someone who was abusive to them. One of these “survivors" took only 90 minutes to escape, moved away, started a business and made a “fresh start” when she had barely entered adulthood. 

For others the journey would take much longer with the issues coming back to haunt them after 40 years. Some found their strength through therapy, others through volunteer work with young adults coping with similar difficulties. For some the death of the person who abused or the loss of a loved one reopened wounds that they had considered buried and resolved.

The conclusion to “Choose Happiness" came to one of the members of this group after “spending a lot of (their) life letting clinical depression get the better of (them) and taking a long time to realize that (they) had to decide to get the better of it.” 

Only one woman (now just in her early 20’s) from all the participants in the study had different messages for herself at different ages. Her progression and development were reflected in the shift in the advice she would give to her younger selves. Although she did not say what led to her tears and fears, her first comment to her 18 - 20 year old self, "stop crying.” would place her in the survivors group.  As she matured and found more strength, her self talk would bring her into one of the other groups with words of self encouragement: “Go On” and finally to the recognition of “You’re right.” 

This young woman’s journey is similar to others in the survivor’s group. They needed to learn that they were not to blame for things that happened to them or those they loved. One participant’s touching powerful words would be applicable to many of the others in this group,  "I was reminded that.... I needed to forgive myself. Not because I thought I could have done something differently, but because I kept blaming myself for what others had done to me. This left me consumed with rage and anger and as a result, I was NOT living life to the fullest." 

Although the survivors have suffered and made mistakes, they, unlike those who surrender, seem to intuitively have gained wisdom and found resilient ways to overcome adversity. What gives these people the strength and wisdom to break away and save themselves from the tenuous situations even when they are barely adults? One of the threads that they seem to have in common is that they were forced into roles of responsibility in order to survive and stepped up to the plate. Some had to fend for themselves at a young age. Others became young parents. It could be that being forced to learn to parent yourself at a young age, even if your parents were neglectful, acts as a catalyst for growth, self awareness and wisdom. One of my readers, +Sidra Luna,  sent me a link to an article on the positive aspects of the twentysomething brain. When tragedy befalls someone at a young age, their developing brain may have some unique qualities which are advantageous and help them cope. For some of these young survivors, their youthful passion, fearlessness in the face of risk and curiosity about human nature, may help them discover solutions to their dilemmas.

I have worked with people who are survivors throughout my career and am always impressed by their strength, wisdom and bravery. My guess is that somewhere along the way there was someone, a parent, grandparent or teacher who loved them and helped them know they were worthy of having a better life. What do you think? What allows one person to survive and thrive when another bends and surrenders?

Memorial Day Monday: What You Can Do If You Are Angry About the War Raging in Our Streets?

Thought for the Day: This Memorial Day weekend, I am angry and I need your help. Those of you following my blog know that I have been voicing my concerns and offering suggestions of ways to help prevent the senseless loss of life from gun violence in our country. In January of 2013, after the Sandy Hook Tragedy, I wrote a letter to President Obama outlining my concerns along with creative ways to implement educational and psychological programs nationwide. Sadly, the violence has continued since then. This Memorial Day weekend began with yet another attack at the University of California in Santa Barbara. I watched in horror and sadness as the details of senseless loss of life unfolded. Unfortunately, we are living with not only a war waged by terrorists against our nation, but we are also under attack from within by angry, hurt, young adults who feel marginalized and mistreated by society.

I was also saddened to learn that my grandmother's nephew,  Herb Crane, a World War II veteran, passed away at the age of 95 two days ago. He lived a full active life. He even drove to the gym daily while in hospice care. (The article was written and aired before he passed away.) I want everyone in our nation to have the opportunity to live their lives, like Herb, to the fullest without fear of violent attacks in schools, colleges, shopping malls or movie theaters. I need your help. If you are angry, like me, and want to be part of the solution, read on on to see how you can take action...

Motivational Mondays: Remembering 9/11

Thought for the Day: In two days it will be another anniversary of 9/11. As with all anniversaries of loss, I encourage people to take time to reflect, commemorate & remember. Otherwise, the anniversary arrives & we find ourselves upset, not knowing why. I believe that 9/11 will always be a significant day for those who witnessed the horrific event, whether they were in New York or anywhere in the world. We were all traumatized by the images which were broadcast live in real time.

As a psychologist, I continue to explore how it impacted on my clients & ask them about it routinely in initial sessions. Even though most people are coming for other issues, often they do not realize that 9/11 may play a part in what they are experiencing. Some never spoke to an old friend's parents after they learned their friend perished in the tragedy. After a while, they did not know how to reach out to them. Other people moved on, but witnessed things that day & never spoke about it, until they came to see me. One client who came to see me about a year after 9/11, came because his life was in shambles. He was drinking, had had an affair & almost lost his marriage. He had escaped the towers & did not realize his issues were connected to the trauma. He was able to save his marriage & put his life back together. Every year, I hear from him around 9/11.

I feel it is important not only to remember the sadness that it caused, but also the positive things that have occurred because of 9/11. The nonprofit organization, New York Says Thank You has dedicated it's work to giving back to communities hit by natural and man made disasters. There are organizations sponsored by 9/11 widows that help widows in Afghanistan, who do not inherit their husband's wealth in their culture and therefore struggle to make a living.

I also remember a chance encounter with a stranger the weekend after 9/11. I was working in Boston. Everyone was on edge & anxious. I went into a small deli the size of a postage stamp. There was very limited seating. I was sitting alone at a table for two, when a big black man asked if he could sit at my table. He was there with his family, but there was not enough room for them to all sit together. I could tell from his accent that he was not an American, so I asked where he was from. He told me he was from Ghana. I asked if he had family back in Africa & how they had reacted to 9/11. He said they were scared, until they were able to speak on the phone. Then he told me that 2 of his good friends were killed in the attack. They had been his classmates at Harvard Business School & worked for Cantor Fitzgerald. I commiserated with him & said it must be hard to be so far from home when such terrible things happen. I could have remained silent that day & never known what this man was going through, but I somehow felt compelled not to give in to fear or prejudice even after such a terrible event.

Where were you on September 11th? How did it impact you, your family? How will you commemorate the day?

Thanks to the Westport Public Library for the use of a great mac laptop while mine is being repaired!

Motivational Monday: Psychology, Morality & Politics: Is there a Red Line Even Pacifists Cannot Ignore?

Thought for the Day: It's Labor Day and I don't feel like writing, however, often I find that I need to push myself when I feel least motivated. Sometimes, it leads to some of my greatest insights. I have been avoiding writing about the horrible events in Syria for a while now. I try to stay clear of political topics. Instead, I focus on things more directly related to the field of psychology. However, as a psychologist who has always looked at issues related to war and peace, I know that I need to address this sooner or later.

It will be no surprise to those of you who have been following my blog, that I am a "dove" at heart. I grew up singing folk songs of peace and protesting war. I lived in Israel and studied ways to help people cope with the trauma of war, father absence and death of a parent during war and terrorist attacks. Here in the USA, I have continued to work for peaceful resolution of conflicts, sensible gun control, and reduction of violence and bullying.

On the other hand, I grew up hearing about the holocaust. I know all too well the traumatic impact World War II and the Nazi's intent to annihilate the Jewish people (and gypsies and disabled of all races and religions) had on my family and on countless others for generations to come. I worked with holocaust survivors and their offspring. Therefore, I am conflicted by the evidence of the gassing of innocent civilians and children. Although I and most Americans are weary of wars and reluctant to get involved in yet another conflict in the Middle East, can we sit by idly and watch a tyrant who would gas his own people? What message are we sending to the world if we turn our heads and pretend it is not happening? Could hundreds of thousands of lives been saved during World War II if the United States had responded sooner to Hitler's regime? Is there a red line even pacifists cannot ignore? Has it been crossed?

I don't have the answers, just scores of questions. I hope that our president, congress and military strategists have creative interventions that will make a difference and help put an end to the violence. The red line in Iran and a nuclear threat to the world is rapidly approaching as well. Like it or not, we need to address these issues. Is there a moral red line that we all must cross when a tyrant moves toward the genocide of any group? It saddens me that I must write about this, but I guess this is why I did not feel like writing today. My guess is that it is something we all would rather avoid, but the world is looking to us for leadership and it is our responsibility to address these questions.

As always, your thoughts, suggestions and comments are welcome. Please join the discussion and share them here.

Thursday's Psychology Trivia: Oz, Tornadoes & Regaining Control

Thought for the Day:  As the people in Oklahoma begin to cope with the the aftermath of the tornado, & I reviewed the literature on recovery, I was reminded of the fact that The Wizard of Oz begins with a tornado in Kansas. Dorothy is thrown into a foreign world filled with new dangers. She simply wants to get home to her family & the life before the storm. The characters she meets along the away are searching for things they may never have had. The story can be seen as a metaphor for recovery from traumatic events. They are all on a psychological journey as Dorothy, the Tin Man, Scarecrow & the Lion reclaim their sense of control in a world filled with dangers. Dorothy yearns for home & family; the Tin Man searching for a heart, the scarecrow, for a brain & the lion, to become brave. On Tuesday's Psychological Trivia I asked the question:

True or False: The belief in one’s capability to exercise some measure of control over traumatic adversity is central to recovery from trauma.

The answer is a very strong true! Just as the characters in The Wizard of Oz were searching for the strength to overcome adversity, survivors of all traumatic events must rediscover their ability to cope with life's challenges. Charles C. Benight (University of Colorado) & Albert Bandura (Department of Psychology, Stanford University) study reported findings from diverse studies of traumatization. They found the role of perceived coping self-efficacy to be central to enhancing recovery from all kinds of traumatic experiences. What is interesting about this finding is that it held true for many different kinds of trauma when variables like severity of the trauma, loss of loved ones, fear of dying were held constant.

Natural disasters literally turn people's lives upside down. Trauma steals one's a sense of security. Given the overwhelmingly consistent finding of the importance of a rebuilding a sense of self efficacy, family, friends, volunteers & therapists need to focus on helping trauma survivors take back  control of their lives.

Therefore, it is important to support them so they can proactively improve their sense of well-being. It is only natural for caregivers & volunteers to want to do things for survivors. However, as soon as possible, it is important to shift their role. Since regaining a sense of self efficacy is pivotal to long term recovery, as soon a possible the caregivers' role should change. Survivors should be helped to find ways to see that they are capable of rebuilding their lives, instead of passively waiting for someone else to help them. The more they are able to take charge of their lives, the less powerless & vulnerable they will feel. In Coping with Traumatic Stress Emotional Recovery After a Disaster, Melinda Smith, M.A., and Jeanne Segal, Ph.D give additional tips to help survivors cope & begin to regain a sense of control. They suggest that survivors be encouraged to: 1) Reestablish a routine, 2) Challenge their sense of helplessness, & 3) reclaim your sense of power is by helping others, in addition to taking care of their emotional health.

Ironically, this is not the 1st time I have referred to imagery from The Wizard of Oz. I wrote  Over the Rainbow Deep in the Heart of Texas  & Part II: Over the Rainbow in the Winds of Texas in April of 2012. I hope you will join me tomorrow for Friday's Fabulous Finds & over the weekend for Saturday's Songs for the Soul & Sunday's Comic Strips.

 *Photos from FlickrCC.com

Top left: 'The Wizard of Oz (1939)' http-/www.flickr.com/photos/89093669@N00/3088817250

Top right: 'The Wizard of Oz (1939)' http-/www.flickr.com/photos/89093669@N00/3088817250

Bottom left: 'Over the Rainbow' http-/www.flickr.com/photos/10646468@N02/152625215

Bottom right: 'The Wizard of Oz (1939)'http-/www.flickr.com/photos/89093669@N00/3087915161

Middle: 'Oz' http-/www.flickr.com/photos/56727790@N06/6264330941

 

Tuesday's Psychological Trivia: Recovery from Trauma

 

Photos from FlickrCC.com *

Thought for the Day: The news from Oklahoma is heartbreaking. Mother nature has again sent a devastating blow to families & children. Between natural & man made disasters the last year has been difficult. If you are looking for was to help in the relief efforts, here's a link to an article with multiple options (American Red Cross. Salvation Army, United Way of Central Oklahoma, Feeding America). It felt awkward to switch from disaster to psychological trivia, but it's Tuesday & I simply changed the question for today to have it be connected to the news.

True or False: The belief in one’s capability to exercise some measure of control over traumatic adversity is central to recovery from trauma.

Come back on Thursday for the answer.
 
Photos from FlickrCC.com

*' CSM Volunteers Loading Dock' http-/www.flickr.com/photos/38389073@N04/5701248536 
 ** 'Joplin 2011 115' http-/www.flickr.com/photos/72309532@N08/6851950838 
 *** 'Joplin 2011 071' http-/www.flickr.com/photos/72309532@N08/6851952826
 **** 'CSM Volunteers Loading Dock' http-/www.flickr.com/photos/38389073@N04/5700678461 

Motivational Monday & Tuesday: Signs of Resilience

 
Thought for the Day:  This would have been my Motivational Monday's post, but I was too busy to complete it yesterday. Given the circumstances, I hope you will understand. I have a policy, whenever I can I do critical incident work following traumatic events. When Cigna EAP calls following bank robberies, deaths, & other traumatic events, I reschedule my private clients & go to help on site. I see this as preventative care & work with as many people affected by these events as I can. Last Tuesday & yesterday, I went to Boston. Here are some of my thoughts, impressions & advice from my recent experiences. I hope they will help you as well, since "We Are One Boston."

As I drove from CT to Boston, I did not know what to expect. After a week-long ordeal with tragic losses, injuries, a lock down, followed by a successful manhunt, how would the city I called home from 1981 to 2000 be handling the trauma? As I approached on the Massachusetts Turnpike, I saw the 1st sign of how Boston is coping. There were literally 4 electronic signs, the kind used to post traffic warnings, which said, “We are One Boston… Thanks for everything.”

After I exited the turnpike, I entered Newton, driving along Commonwealth Avenue, part of the route of the Boston Marathon. As I noticed the beauty of the sunlit day, the second signs appeared loud & clear. On both sides of the street there were joggers running & parents pushing carriages. It looked like any ordinary spring day in Boston. People were showing not only their relief that the terror was over,  but also their determination not to let the events stop them from living their lives fearlessly.

When I reached the infamous Heartbreak Hill, I noticed that the statue (photo above) which has honored the Boston Marathon for years had been decorated. Both bronze runners had been given number tags from this year's runners. One statue holds an American flag; the other is raising flowers. The statue pays tribute to the courage of this year's runners & is a signal to all Bostonians to carry on.

On Monday, as I drove to Norwood for the critical incident assignment, I saw more signs. While following a city bus, I noticed that intermittently, in addition to the number of the route, were the words, “We Are One Boston.” A car dealership’s sign proudly stated, “Boston Strong.” There were signs everywhere that people finding creative ways to cope, show their support & recover from the surreal events.

Yesterday, I went to a large company in the Boston area I spoke with employees from around the Boston area including Watertown. They wanted to know how to help their children, friends & themselves deal with the aftermath of a mass tragedy. Some had been at the finish line & moved seconds before the blast. They recognized the wounded as having stood beside them. I spoke about survivor’s guilt & shared ways to speak with the children who by the grace of a few seconds were saved from injury.

Some people were having trouble sleeping or fearful of going out alone. Others were struggling with memories of previous losses of loved ones from illness or violence brought back by the traumatic events. Many people wondered how to help injured friends who are still in the hospital. There were native Bostonians grieving for their city. There were also new immigrants feeling isolated,  wondering why they had come to a country beleaguered by violence.

In this day & age, whether you live in the Boston area, across the USA or abroad, we are truly. "One Boston." Television brings tragedies such as these into our homes. To a lesser degree, events like these impact on us all. We all have some survivor’s guilt & fears. It is normal to have questions about how to help family, our selves & especially our children cope with these traumatic events.

Here are some of the things I encouraged people to do:

The first & most important thing you can do is ask for support. Talk to friends & family about how you feel about what has transpired. As hard as it may be to speak about our feelings, tears, anger, disbelief & helplessness are normal responses to trauma. It is important to talk about your feelings to recover. Many of the people had trouble speaking without crying at first, but by the time they left, they felt more in control & had ideas of things they could do that would help.

It is also important to remind yourself  & your children that there are many more supportive, good people in the world than those intent on doing harm.  In traumatic events, we are exposed to both the worst & the best parts of human nature. Media often focuses on the shocking, dramatic worst elements. Pay attention to people's natural instinct to help other human beings in time of crisis.

Turn off the TV or internet if you are feeling overwhelmed by the coverage which may be traumatizing.  Take care of yourself, make sure you rest, eat, exercise & follow as normal of a routine as possible.  Volunteer to help out. You will feel in more control of the situation if you feel there is something you can do to alleviate the situation.  Allow yourself to grieve if you have recently lost a loved one or have a loved one who has been hurt in the tragedy.

                                                         The Most Valuable Ring

I told the story of The Most Valuable Ring (You can listen to the story on the video, it may help you with this challenge as well.) to one of the people who came to see me. After I finished, she took off her wedding band & showed me an inscription: “We fall to conquer.” I asked her permission to share it here & she agreed. Tragedy can strengthen us. If we experience the loss, process it & cope with the fall, we can become stronger & conquer. We are one Boston.

Sunday's Comic Strips: Charlie Brown & the Psychology of Magical Thinking

Thought for the Day: This cartoon from Peanuts, the syndicated daily and Sunday American comic strip written & illustrated by Charles M. Schulz, is a wonderful illustration of how the psychology of magical thinking can impact on us & make us fearful. All last week the very serious topic of how to heal from traumatic events following the Boston Marathon bombings took center stage on my blog. Boston's strength & resilience will help combat magical thinking. Neil Diamond's surprise performance of Sweet Caroline at the Red Sox game yesterday is yet another testament that Boston will stand tall & not let terrorism stop this amazing city from living life to the fullest. I will be in Boston tomorrow & look forward to helping people cope with these events. Have a great weekend.

Wednesday's Words of Wisdom: Maria Montesorri & Fred Rogers on Fear

Thought for the Day: As I will be in Boston today helping people dealing with the trauma of Monday’s bombings, I have turned to quotes by two educators that may help you deal with the tragedy & combat the natural fear of strangers that arises after such events. I hope you will take time to find ways to heal from this tragedy, since we all have been traumatized. I hope these words will help you & those near to you.

As more information is released regarding the Boston Marathon bombing, we can be inspired by a quote from Italian physician and educator, a noted humanitarian Maria Montessori who lived from August 31, 1870 till May 6, 1952. The founder of Montesorri schools believed that, “Establishing lasting peace is the work of education; all politics can do is keep us out of war.” It often seems that terrorism & fear of strangers go hand-in-hand. We’re afraid of strangers because of terrorism & related atrocities. Terrorism feeds off this mentality, though, doesn’t it? Of course, recovery from these traumatic events is incredibly difficult. But, ultimately, we will only recover if we stop fixating on the senseless violence & emphasize that countless bystanders ran toward the scene of the crime to help. Even in the face of great danger, people rushed to save the lives of perfect strangers. Although the horror of the events is undeniable, we must remember most people are intrinsically good & willing to go out of their way to help strangers. Let’s seek out the heroes in this situation. In times of crisis, more often than not, you’ll see many helping hands. At the end of the day, take a cue from another educator, Fred Rogers, who helped children via television to deal with multiple crisis.: "When I was a boy & I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.'"

Here's a video clip of Fred Rogers on talking with children about tragic news on television. You can also download a free e-book for parents & children, When Bad Things Happen to Children, on my webpage. It was written in response to the Sandy hook tragedy, but can be adapted to the current situation.

Stand Tall Tuesday: Boston Will Finish 1st

Thought for the Day: I could not post Tuesday's Psychological Trivia, given the gravity of yesterday's events in Boston. Instead, I want to offer support to Boston's heroes & remind parents of a resource to help them speak with their children about the tragic events. As I watch the footage & coverage of the tragedy that occurred yesterday, I am struck by the rapid response & relative composure of the crowd & first responders. Although people are describing the scene as "chaotic," onlookers & first responders reacted amazingly calmly. Their ability to do so surely saved lives. People sprang into action & helped those in need despite the uncertainty of the situation. The organizers of the Boston Marathon quickly stopped the race & helped runners reach safety. Boston is a strong proud city that will find a way to deal with this challenge. Like a marathon the recovery process will take time, but the rest of the nation & the world will be supporting them as they recover. The good people of Boston will stand tall & finish first.

One of the Dream Nonprofits featured in my book, The New York Says Thank You Foundation, posited this message today on Facebook:
          "PRAYERS FOR ALL THE PEOPLE IN BOSTON. OUR LOVE FOR ONE ANOTHER IS  STRONGER THAN ANY FEAR TERRORISTS TRY AND INSTILL IN US."
For every horrendous act of terror, multiple heroes rose to the occasion & went out of their way to help the survivors.

Since families & children were impacted both at the event & by seeing it on television, I want to remind people that the free PDF downloadable book, "When Bad Things Happen to Children" is still available on my website (Look to the left of the video about my book for the light blue square with the free download box.It looks similar to the information below). It can easily be used with children to help them draw & express their feelings about what they have seen & heard about the traumatic event. Although it was written with the Sandy Hook Tragedy in mind, it is applicable to this event as well. It prints out page by page, so that parents can decide which verses & pages to use with their children. There is a parents' guide explaining how to use this book & additional resources included.

 Look  for this download in a light blue box to the left of a video about my book on my webpage:

Download Free Ebook 'When Bad Things Happen To Children'

Fill out the form below to download your free copy of 'When Bad Things Happen To Children', written by Dr. Barbara Lavi and Lee Delzingo

First Name:
Last Name:
E-mail:

Motivational Mondays: #Gunsense Send Your Message to Congress

Thought for the Day: This Monday, I'd like to start the week off by helping you have a voice in Washington DC, but I will need your help to do it. Those of you following my blog have seen multiple posts about the rising violence in our society. As a psychologist, I am concerned about the traumatic impact this rise in violence has on our society. From bullying (Bullying Part I, Bullying Part II,  Bullying Part III , Bullying Part IV), to intolerance, to educational & mental health proposals to the Newtown tragedy, I have been raising my voice for saner gun control, more respect & tolerance in our society. I have written to the president asking for changes not only in gun control, but also in education & mental health provisions to help curb bullying & violence in our schools & society. This Wednesday, I will get a chance to speak my mind with senators & congressmen in Washington DC when I join a nonpartisan group of concerned mothers & fathers, Moms Demand Action for Gunsense in America. Statistically 90% of Americans want more #gunsense when it comes to legislation about safer control of guns, ie. enforcing background checks, closing loopholes which allow transfers of guns without background checks, & stopping of gun trafficking of illegal guns from state to state.

I would like your help today. If you have something you hope I will be able to convey to representatives in congress, please post a comment. I will bring along a print out with your comments to leave with every representative that I see. Feel free to write your feelings about the rise in gun violence & how it has impacted you, your children & your community. You are all experts on how the news about Newtown, Aurora & other gun violence have impacted on you. If you are a parent, how did you feel when you sent your children to school on the bus after the Newtown tragedy? Are you worried about their safety? Do you want teachers to carry guns? Have your children asked you questions that you are struggling to answer? If you are a retired teacher in Indiana, Wyoming or anywhere in the United States who found yourself crying all weekend after Newtown, write about it. If you are a therapist & have been speaking with your clients about their fears & concerns, please write about what your clients are feeling.  Your voice, feelings & experiences are important.

I will be joining mothers (& fathers) from across the nation for a day long event followed by a press conference with Senators Barbara Boxer & Diane Feinstein as two of the slated speakers. I will share my thoughts & impressions here as soon as possible, so check back often. (I may add additional posts or change the line up of posts, so this might be a good time to follow or set up an RSS feed of the blog.)

Please post whatever messages you would like to have me bring to the hill!

When Bad Things Happen to Children: Helping Children Process Traumatic Events

As Children in Newtown Return to School a New Children's Book to Help Parents, Teachers & Children

Thought for the Day: Those of you following my blog know that I have been working with families in Connecticut impacted by both Hurricane Sandy & the tragedy at the Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown CT. I have appeared on radio shows (Sandy Hook on Dec. 17, 2012 on The Bachelor Pad & Hurricane Sandy on 11/21/2012 live on "Paying It Forward" with Josephine Geraci) in response to questions about how parents can help their children deal with traumatic events. It is an area of expertise that I have had throughout my career & use whenever the need arises. It is important for us to remember that we all have been impacted. Even those of us who do not live in Newtown, or on the east coast where Hurricane Sandy left devastation in her path, have been traumatized by these events. Television & newspapers bring the images home instantaneously. Teachers & parents have been crying around the nation (& around the world) in reaction to the attack in Newtown (The memorial pictures are heartbreaking). Children, even when we try to shield them from the news, see & hear things about these events & need the help & guidance from the adults who care for them. Our lives go on & we are surely not as effected as those directly harmed by the tragedies, but it helps to talk about our feelings & help children know that we will do whatever we can to keep them safe. I hope you will download the book & use it as a way to start these difficult but important conversations with your children. The book offers some ways to take action with your children & feel more in control as well. Here is a press release about the book, When Bad Things Happen to Children. Please share this with parents, teachers & counselors who could use it with the children in their care.
      As always, I would love to hear your thoughts & reactions to this post. If you use the book with your children, please share some of the discussions & art work that it inspires.

Press Release:

-->Dr. Barbara Lavi, psychologist and trauma specialist, offers free e-book, When Bad Things Happen to Children, in response to the Tragedy at Sandy Hook ElementarySchool   

        Responding to the pressing need to help their children across the country cope with the news of the tragedy at the Sandy Hook Elementary School, Dr. Barbara Lavi and Lee Delzingo prepared a children’s book, When Bad Things Happen to Children. The book is available to download for free at: www.WakeUpAndDreamChallenge.com 

         Dr. Lavi, licensed psychologist, author and trauma expert has been helping families deal with trauma for many years. She reports that she began as, “a Master’s student in clinical child psychology while living in Israel during the Yom Kippur.” When the tragedy occurred in Connecticut, she knew parents and children would need help She has appeared on talk shows and worked with clients in Connecticut. Since the event targeted children, as an author and a psychologist, “I felt compelled to write a book to help as quickly as possible.”

          The book was written in collaboration with her daughter, Lee Delzingo. Since Lee is completing her Master’s degree in Special Education, works in an elementary school, and is the mother of a 7 year-old daughter and 10 year-old son, Dr. Lavi asked her to help with the project. Some of the touching conversations Lee had with her children have been included in this book.

        The book, a series of verses in a poem, is geared towards elementary school children. It was designed for parents, teachers and counselors to read with children. Since talking about traumatic events helps process them, it can be used as a tool to help start conversations about the recent tragedy. Parents and teachers may choose to work on it one verse at a time over several days. Adults can set the pace they feel is appropriate for the age and maturity level of the specific children they are helping. There is blank space on every page where children can be encouraged to write and/or draw to express their thoughts and feelings about what has transpired.

        Parents are encouraged to read through the entire poem and the annotated Parents’ & Teachers’ Guide before reading it with children. If any of the verses do not seem suited to a child, the adult can leave them out. As adults read the book with children, they can decide which verses to share. There is also a list of additional resources to help children understand and cope with death and loss.

          Dr. Lavi and Lee Delzingo hope this will help parents and educators deal with the difficult task of helping children cope with the most recent traumatic event and other trauma as well. They encourage readers to share it with family, friends and other educators.

Dr. Lavi can be contacted via her website: www.WakeUpAndDreamChallenge.com