Wake Up and Dream Catalyst: Short inspirational thoughts for the day. Raising questions & hopefully opening a dialogue with people interested in learning how to turn their dreams into plans and start navigating their way towards them.
Thought for the Day: Here's something for parents to think about. As the cartoon I just learned how to produce says, "Resilient people see mistakes as opportunities to learn how to correct them." We used to think that telling our children how smart they were helped build self confidence and resiliency. However, they often don't believe you, since they know you love them, they think you are simply prejudiced. However, it seems that encouraging children to be problem solvers is the key to resilience. Encourage them to take pride in their mistakes and how they resolved them. It may help you build greater self confidence as well. Click here to see the video: Mistakes 3
Thought for the Day: Yesterday, I began sharing the results from my mini research project. I am excited to let you know that people have already written responses to some of the questions I posed. By doing so, I hope that the posts will become even richer. Thank you in advance for your thoughtful comments. Today, I want to address another type of two word notes of advice to your younger selves which reflects a group of inspirational people, I called “survivors.” This group is in many ways the one we can all learn the most from since they have learned from and overcome painful life experiences. Even without knowing the stories behind their two word advice my heart could feel that there lives had not been easy. They learned their lessons from the school of hard knocks. They reach out to their younger selves with messages like:
"So Sorry, Tell Someone, Set Boundaries, Grow Anyway, Waste Your Youth, Why God?, Don’t Worry, Behave Yourself. Quit Drinking, Stop Crying, Choose Happiness, You’re Not to Blame, Endure.”
A few of these brave survivors shared their stories. I will cautiously tell you about their journeys without giving details that could identify them. There were thirteen people from the 72 in the study whose responses seemed to fit this category. One person explained, "because I am not where I want to be in life. I could never have imagined that my life would turn out like it has. Essentially, I feel drained, beaten, and slighted by fate. I turn to God and ask why.” They went on to say that they chose a question for their younger self which they could interpret on their own. It had taken ten years, but somehow they trusted that their younger self would find the answers.
Another person from this group who is only in their twenties would advise their teenage self "not to worry." They had learned that worrying made it harder to cope with raising three young children. Becoming a parent may be a fast track to wisdom beyond your years.
It was interesting to learn that many of the survivors in this study were in their teens when they broke away from a painful life experience. Literally, some “burned” their path to freedom when they stopped trying to fit into someone else’s expectations or were forced to build boundaries between themselves and someone who was abusive to them. One of these “survivors" took only 90 minutes to escape, moved away, started a business and made a “fresh start” when she had barely entered adulthood.
For others the journey would take much longer with the issues coming back to haunt them after 40 years. Some found their strength through therapy, others through volunteer work with young adults coping with similar difficulties. For some the death of the person who abused or the loss of a loved one reopened wounds that they had considered buried and resolved.
The conclusion to “Choose Happiness" came to one of the members of this group after “spending a lot of (their) life letting clinical depression get the better of (them) and taking a long time to realize that (they) had to decide to get the better of it.”
Only one woman (now just in her early 20’s) from all the participants in the study had different messages for herself at different ages. Her progression and development were reflected in the shift in the advice she would give to her younger selves. Although she did not say what led to her tears and fears, her first comment to her 18 - 20 year old self, "stop crying.” would place her in the survivors group. As she matured and found more strength, her self talk would bring her into one of the other groups with words of self encouragement: “Go On” and finally to the recognition of “You’re right.”
This young woman’s journey is similar to others in the survivor’s group. They needed to learn that they were not to blame for things that happened to them or those they loved. One participant’s touching powerful words would be applicable to many of the others in this group, "I was reminded that.... I needed to forgive myself. Not because I thought I could have done something differently, but because I kept blaming myself for what others had done to me. This left me consumed with rage and anger and as a result, I was NOT living life to the fullest."
Although the survivors have suffered and made mistakes, they, unlike those who surrender, seem to intuitively have gained wisdom and found resilient ways to overcome adversity. What gives these people the strength and wisdom to break away and save themselves from the tenuous situations even when they are barely adults? One of the threads that they seem to have in common is that they were forced into roles of responsibility in order to survive and stepped up to the plate. Some had to fend for themselves at a young age. Others became young parents. It could be that being forced to learn to parent yourself at a young age, even if your parents were neglectful, acts as a catalyst for growth, self awareness and wisdom. One of my readers, +Sidra Luna, sent me a link to an article on the positive aspects of the twentysomething brain. When tragedy befalls someone at a young age, their developing brain may have some unique qualities which are advantageous and help them cope. For some of these young survivors, their youthful passion, fearlessness in the face of risk and curiosity about human nature, may help them discover solutions to their dilemmas.
I have worked with people who are survivors throughout my career and am always impressed by their strength, wisdom and bravery. My guess is that somewhere along the way there was someone, a parent, grandparent or teacher who loved them and helped them know they were worthy of having a better life. What do you think? What allows one person to survive and thrive when another bends and surrenders?
Thought for the Day: This week my thoughts have been focused on loss and resilience. When I am called to help out following a critical incident, the death or traumatic event triggers memories of other losses in all those touched by the event. When I speak with the human resource representatives and the staff at the company, I tell them to expect the incident to trigger memories of prior losses in all their staff, regardless of how close they were to the co-worker who has dies or been injured. Any unfinished grieving will enter their employees minds, making it hard to stay focused at work. I encourage people to come in and speak with me whether they think their issues are related to the event or not.
Often someone will come in to speak with me who is dealing with what is called complicated grief. Complicated grief happens when someone lost a love one over a year and a half prior to the current event, who is still deep in the throes of mourning. Usually, within a year or so after a loss, people have worked through the universal stages of grief, namely, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance proposed by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. Surely, they are still sad that their loved one is no longer living, but they have moved on and have accepted the loss. With complicated grief, they feel depressed, may be crying sometimes for no reason or feeling that life is not worth living, even though there are many things they feel they should be happy about in their lives. They simply are unable to enjoy their lives. They seem to become stuck processing and reliving the pain and stuck in a grieving state.
As I reflected on this phenomenon, it led to the quote I am sharing today. I believe I may have discovered another stage of recovery from grief.
Thought for the Day: I know it is not Monday, but I wanted to post this and will catch up tomorrow. You see, I was in Boston from late Saturday night till late last night for a critical incident. I wrote this post, but was unable to publish it, since I did not have internet access while I was working. I travel to help corporations when tragedy strikes. Sometimes it is for a death or serious illness of an employee. Other times it's is to work with banks following robberies. Just over a year ago, I was called to help two companies following the Boston Marathon bombings. I lived in Boston for many years and have family here, so a part of me resides in this great city. While I worked this weekend, following another tragic event, I could not help but reflect on how things have changed since last year.
Parenting Between 11 and 14
Photo from http://www.wtcmhmr.org/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=4747
Thought for the Day: The week has flown by with spring flirting with us for a couple of days and then the winter deep freeze returned to taunt us. It seems that spring is on it's way. Although the snow is still not quite melted, I can see some grass which is a good sign! I hope you are all faring well as we anxiously await warmer weather. Today's Fabulous Finds range from the cute comic above which could have been an illustration for the article on digital devices and generational abyss, to seven habits of emotionally healthy people, to building boys self esteem, and a free mobile app which is helping people with PTSD around the world. I hope you enjoy them and have a great weekend!
Thought for the Day: As I have been preparing the Top 10 posts that represent each of the themes covered here on my blog in 2013; i.e., Monumental Miraculous Mondays, Tuesday and Thursday's Psychology Trivia, #FF Friday's Fabulous Finds, Saturday's Songs for the Soul and Sunday's Comic Strips, I realized that some important special editions have not been included in the mix. These are posts that happen spontaneously in reaction to an event or a holiday. So today, I went back and looked for these posts and found the most viewed among them. They cover the highs and lows of the year. Some celebrate joyous occasions others reflect on tragedies with a mix of sorrow, anger and resilience. Here are 5 of the Top 10. I'll share the Top 5 in two weeks as I have with the other subjects.
Thought for the Day: This would have been my Motivational Monday's post, but I was too busy to complete it yesterday. Given the circumstances, I hope you will understand. I have a policy, whenever I can I do critical incident work following traumatic events. When Cigna EAP calls following bank robberies, deaths, & other traumatic events, I reschedule my private clients & go to help on site. I see this as preventative care & work with as many people affected by these events as I can. Last Tuesday & yesterday, I went to Boston. Here are some of my thoughts, impressions & advice from my recent experiences. I hope they will help you as well, since "We Are One Boston."
As I drove from CT to Boston, I did not know what to expect. After a week-long ordeal with tragic losses, injuries, a lock down, followed by a successful manhunt, how would the city I called home from 1981 to 2000 be handling the trauma? As I approached on the Massachusetts Turnpike, I saw the 1st sign of how Boston is coping. There were literally 4 electronic signs, the kind used to post traffic warnings, which said, “We are One Boston… Thanks for everything.”
After I exited the turnpike, I entered Newton, driving along Commonwealth Avenue, part of the route of the Boston Marathon. As I noticed the beauty of the sunlit day, the second signs appeared loud & clear. On both sides of the street there were joggers running & parents pushing carriages. It looked like any ordinary spring day in Boston. People were showing not only their relief that the terror was over, but also their determination not to let the events stop them from living their lives fearlessly.
When I reached the infamous Heartbreak Hill, I noticed that the statue (photo above) which has honored the Boston Marathon for years had been decorated. Both bronze runners had been given number tags from this year's runners. One statue holds an American flag; the other is raising flowers. The statue pays tribute to the courage of this year's runners & is a signal to all Bostonians to carry on.
On Monday, as I drove to Norwood for the critical incident assignment, I saw more signs. While following a city bus, I noticed that intermittently, in addition to the number of the route, were the words, “We Are One Boston.” A car dealership’s sign proudly stated, “Boston Strong.” There were signs everywhere that people finding creative ways to cope, show their support & recover from the surreal events.
Yesterday, I went to a large company in the Boston area I spoke with employees from around the Boston area including Watertown. They wanted to know how to help their children, friends & themselves deal with the aftermath of a mass tragedy. Some had been at the finish line & moved seconds before the blast. They recognized the wounded as having stood beside them. I spoke about survivor’s guilt & shared ways to speak with the children who by the grace of a few seconds were saved from injury.
Some people were having trouble sleeping or fearful of going out alone. Others were struggling with memories of previous losses of loved ones from illness or violence brought back by the traumatic events. Many people wondered how to help injured friends who are still in the hospital. There were native Bostonians grieving for their city. There were also new immigrants feeling isolated, wondering why they had come to a country beleaguered by violence.
In this day & age, whether you live in the Boston area, across the USA or abroad, we are truly. "One Boston." Television brings tragedies such as these into our homes. To a lesser degree, events like these impact on us all. We all have some survivor’s guilt & fears. It is normal to have questions about how to help family, our selves & especially our children cope with these traumatic events.
Here are some of the things I encouraged people to do:
The first & most important thing you can do is ask for support. Talk to friends & family about how you feel about what has transpired. As hard as it may be to speak about our feelings, tears, anger, disbelief & helplessness are normal responses to trauma. It is important to talk about your feelings to recover. Many of the people had trouble speaking without crying at first, but by the time they left, they felt more in control & had ideas of things they could do that would help.
It is also important to remind yourself & your children that there are many more supportive, good people in the world than those intent on doing harm. In traumatic events, we are exposed to both the worst & the best parts of human nature. Media often focuses on the shocking, dramatic worst elements. Pay attention to people's natural instinct to help other human beings in time of crisis.
Turn off the TV or internet if you are feeling overwhelmed by the coverage which may be traumatizing. Take care of yourself, make sure you rest, eat, exercise & follow as normal of a routine as possible. Volunteer to help out. You will feel in more control of the situation if you feel there is something you can do to alleviate the situation. Allow yourself to grieve if you have recently lost a loved one or have a loved one who has been hurt in the tragedy.
The Most Valuable Ring
I told the story of The Most Valuable Ring (You can listen to the story on the video, it may help you with this challenge as well.) to one of the people who came to see me. After I finished, she took off her wedding band & showed me an inscription: “We fall to conquer.” I asked her permission to share it here & she agreed. Tragedy can strengthen us. If we experience the loss, process it & cope with the fall, we can become stronger & conquer. We are one Boston.
Thought for the Day: This cartoon from Peanuts, the syndicateddaily and Sunday American comic strip written & illustrated by Charles M. Schulz, is a wonderful illustration of how the psychology of magical thinking can impact on us & make us fearful. All last week the very serious topic of how to heal from traumatic events following the Boston Marathon bombings took center stage on my blog. Boston's strength & resilience will help combat magical thinking. Neil Diamond's surprise performance of Sweet Caroline at the Red Sox game yesterday is yet another testament that Boston will stand tall & not let terrorism stop this amazing city from living life to the fullest. I will be in Boston tomorrow & look forward to helping people cope with these events. Have a great weekend.
