Motivational Mondays: Why Your Parents Were Wrong When They Said, "Don't Talk to Strangers"

Thought for the Day: Three things have been impacting me over the last few days. First, I have been thinking about the psychological impact of friendships since I began this series last Monday. It has been leading to multiple questions about the therapeutic process. Although my clients are not my friends, the therapeutic relationship teaches clients how to trust & therefore helps them be able to develop healthy relationships including friendships. The second event that relates to friendships was a funeral. It was my sister-in-law's 90 year old mother who passed away following a long slow loss of her physical abilities. She was my late brother Larry's mother-in-law, therefore, the loss brought back the sadness of my brother's death. Friends & family came together to celebrate her life & share in the grief of her death. From the sad beginning of the week with a funeral, this weekend brought the joy of my nephew's wedding. At the wedding, there was a coming together of my younger brother's amazing group of friends from childhood & college days, my nephew's childhood & college friends, our family & the bride's family & friends.

I have been blessed to have grown up in a family that encouraged friendships. Our home was always open to friends. My brothers & I learned to develop & stay connected to our friends. In times of sorrow we lean on our family & friends & the sorrow is easier to bear. In times of joy our friends are there dancing & sharing in the joy, making it even more joyous.

When I brought up the topic of friendship with LinkedIn colleagues, they brought up the paradox that therapists are not friends with their clients. There are clear boundaries that are necessary, however, in many ways clients become something even more significant than friends. Therapists are privy to their clients' most intimate aspects of their lives. We become the keepers of their "secrets;"  however, they are not privy to their therapists' lives. Although therapists are not total "strangers," in many ways they are strangers. Clients slowly build trust in their therapists & share the issues that have lead them to seek help. One LinkedIn colleague, Tamara H., M.S., a psychotherapist from Pennsylvania, wrote that friendship "is essential in all of our relationships. You cannot have a good marriage without friendship, you cannot have a good mother-daughter relationship without a friendship, & you cannot offer an authentic counseling experience to your clients if there isn't an appropriate level of friendship as the foundation. Friendship, with appropriate boundaries, is always useful." Another LinkedIn therapist, Sharon Aumani, an RN who with Mental Health specialty from Portland OR, wrote,"The "with appropriate boundaries" is an important piece & may be loosely defined by some. I have a less traditional relationship with my counselor that I have greatly come to appreciate, but there are still clear boundaries." Psychotherapist Eleanor Avinor noted that,"Friendship is very important to mental health: it enhances our feelings of belonging & acceptance. It is a mirroring of the good parts of ourselves. It is another form of attachment & can build on early attachments & even help repair early attachments that were not satisfying enough." 

It is understandable that parents teach their children not to speak to strangers, however, if they never talked to strangers they would never make friends. All friends were once strangers & every stranger could become a friend. As we grow up, we observe our parents speaking to strangers. My father could find something interesting about every person he ever met. He would talk to a salesman in a store or a doorman at a hotel. He would find out where they were from & how they landed the job. then he would tell us about how interesting they were. When we traveled around the country, he would look in the phone book & call people with our last name to see if they might be from the same part of Russia where my grandfather grew up. They were strangers who happened to have the same last name, but my father would simply introduce himself & try to get to know them. 

My mother encouraged us to bring our friends into our home, especially new friends. It was her way of getting to know our friends & making sure they would be good influences on us. If they did not like someone that we befriended they were able to talk to us carefully about their concerns. We were always taught to judge people by their behavior & not their looks, religion or race. My younger brother learned not only how to make friends, but also has been able to keep close contacts throughout his life with a circle of at least 50 childhood friends (from around the United States & beyond) who have continued to get together several times a year. Their children are also friends with my brother's friends' children. I stay in touch more loosely, but whenever I see my friends, it feels like no time has passed & the friendship is still strong.

This kind of gradual education both in my own relations with childhood friends & observing my parents' interactions with strangers & friends, taught me how to decide who to befriend & who to be more cautious about befriending. I am grateful to my family for teaching me how to develop friendships with people who were first strangers. In the therapeutic relationship, clients are also learning how to build trust & believe that trusting relationships can be developed. In future posts, I will share thoughts about what else is needed to develop healthy friendships.

 

Tuesday's Psychological Trivia: Sex, Lies, Love & Psychology

Thought for the Day: Today's trivia question relates to the psychology of love. Since last Saturday's Songs for the Soul were related to spring & included songs about love, joy, change & hope, I decided to follow part of the spring topics today with a question about love. Here goes. What do you think the answer  is?
           Psychologists believe that love is:
               a) a biological phenomenon
               b) a learned behavior
               c) a motivational drive
               d) a social phenomenon
               e) a basic emotion
               f) a) & d)
               g) b) & d)
Come back on Thursday for the answer. Have a great week, hope the weather is springlike where you are!

What If Aliens Attacked Our World?

Thought for Today: My imagination took me to a strange question today. I tend to avoid science fiction, but somehow my What If? Wednesdays series led me to wonder what would happen if aliens attacked our world? Would we unite as one human race to protect our planet?  Are we already being attacked by alien like transgressions? Take a look at this short video & see what you might do.  Are we all too busy to take some time to make a difference? Together, I believe we can. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this subject. Do you have any suggestions for additional What If? Wednesdays posts? Let your imagination take you to whatever "what if" questions you would like to explore. I hope you will come back Friday for Friday's Fabulous Finds.
 

Motivational Mondays: How to Avoid Valentine's Day Blues

Thought for the Day: Whether you have a Valentine or not, many people struggle with Valentine's Day blues. Jon Stewart used this fact to poke fun when he said, "Happy Valentine's Day! And if this is news to you, my guess is you're probably alone." Today's post will offer some ways to avoid the depressive symptoms that may arise when things are not going the way you hoped for on Valentine's Day. As a psychologist, I have helped clients deal with all the challenges of relationships. Personally, after going through a divorce many years ago, I gave a lot of thought to the challenges of being single & meeting partners in a world filled with couples. Today, I am sharing some of the insights I learned over the years to keep from letting Valentine's Day get you down. As always, I'd like to hear your reactions, stories & comments. I'd especially love to hear about your worst & best Valentine's Day experiences.

     Sixteen years ago, I could have had a bad case of Valentine's Blues. I had been single for about a year and a half. In addition to my psychology practice, single parenting, writing songs, & dancing as exercise & social networking, I ran a small business helping single dancers find partners. The dance business was a pre-internet based resource for dancers. Although I did not run dances, I decided to try to co-sponsor a dance in NYC on Valentine's Day. In 1977, it fell on the Friday before President's Day. When plans to meet a friend from Texas fell through due to a winter storm warning, I had no other plans for my Big Apple escape. Therefore, I had a long weekend ahead with just the Friday night event. I was staying at my brother & sister-in-law's in Soho, but they were leaving the city Saturday morning.
      The dance Friday night was disappointing & I was beginning to feel a bit down on Saturday morning. However,  I vowed to take advantage of a weekend in the city that never sleeps & not to slip into the Valentine blues. I searched the Village Voice & the New York Times for activities. I chose a number of things that I knew would make it an enjoyable weekend. I had a massage in Chinatown, lunch in Soho, & a matinee of the movie Shine (see video clip from the Oscar winning performance by Geoffrey Rush), at the Angelica Film Center. I picked up dinner at one of the grocers near Greene Street & ate at my brother's loft. For the evening, I chose a Beau Soleil concert at Tramps (which closed in 2001). Since the band plays Cajun dance music, (in 1986 they were featured in the movie, The Big Easy) I hoped I would be able to dance. Just in case, I did not get to dance, I chose a late ballroom dance event for after the concert.

My daytime activities were great. When the evening started, I was not sure I had picked well. I was seated at a small table with an unhappily married woman who confided that she was on a blind date. Her date's muscular tattooed body was a bit intimidating. However, I like Cajun music & even had a tape of a song I co-wrote called, The Zydeco Swing, in my purse. I was hoping I would find a way to get the tape to Michael Doucet, the leader of the band (They played backup for Mary Chapin Carpenter on the crossover country hit, Down at the Twist & Shout). My table mate asked me to join her on the dance floor since she was a bit uncomfortable with her escort! On the floor, we stood near a small group of friends, 2 men in wheel chairs with their girl friends & their friend, Jerry, who was there without a date. Jerry & I began talking & dancing. He was a NYC special education teacher & a good dancer (I later learned that he had never done Cajun dancing & simply picked up the 2-step naturally that night.).  One of Jerry's friends, Mark, was a DJ for a small Long Island folk & blues radio program. Mark was lined up to interview Michael Doucet, during the band's break! Jerry asked him & Mark agreed to give my tape to the band leader! Jerry & I stayed for the 2nd set after his friends left. After the concert, Jerry walked me back to Soho where we had a 3 AM breakfast at Lucky Strike. Little did we know it was our lucky strike & we have been together ever since.

So, what are the lessons you can learn from my Valentine's Day experience. I was lucky, but the lessons apply whether you meet someone or not. If you are single, often you will meet someone when you least expect it. Here are some tips: 1) Make plans to do things you enjoy. Whatever happens, if you choose well, you will have a great time. You are also more likely to meet people with similar interests.
2) Speak with both men & women. Meeting new friends is always helpful. Having friends to go out to events with when you do not have a date, can be a huge asset. They may have, siblings, cousins or friends for you to meet. If you like them, you may like their friends as well.
3) Don't be afraid to go by yourself to events. Celebrate your freedom to do whatever you feel like doing without having to consider anyone else. You can meet someone anywhere & when you are alone, you are more likely to speak with & be open to meeting new people. Choose events where people might interact, museum talks, dances, or a class.
4) This year it's easy to find a dance. All week you can sign up for One Billion Rising to raise awareness & stop violence against women. Events are happening all over the world (see my #FF Friday's Fabulous Finds post for details). Women & men, who care about women, will be dancing all week!
5) Starbucks has offered a buy one get one free coupon till 2/14/2013. Get a coupon & offer to share it with someone at Starbucks. You never know who you might meet over a free cup of coffee!

Use this as an opportunity to repair things

If you are in a relationship, Valentine's Day holds different challenges. If you are getting along, the biggest danger lies in disappointments due to unspoken expectations. Take some time to talk about & plan your Valentine's Day. Do you hope for gifts or cards as part of your holiday? Do you want to be surprised or will you be disappointed if your partner's plans are less than you expect. No matter how long you have been together, your partner cannot read your mind. Take some time to discuss what you want your plans to include.

If your relationship has been rocky over the last few months, Valentine's Day can be even more challenging. However, it can also be an opportunity for a peace offering. Write a heartfelt letter expressing your wish to improve your relationship starting with Valentine's Day. Plan a getaway & surprise your partner. Visit the place you met or frequented when you were dating.

Now it's your turn please share your best &/or worst Valentine's Day stories.  Have a wonderful Valentine's Day!

What If: Politicians Asked Like Ed Koch & We Took the Time to Answer?

Thought for the Day: On Friday, the world lost former Mayor of NYC, Ed Koch. I was fortunate enough to see him at Lincoln Center at a screening of the new documentary, Koch, just two weeks ago (on the link to this event is a clip of the Q & A at the January 13th screening I attended). Although he was physically frail & came to the event in a wheelchair, he began lively informal discussions with the audience before the screening in the lobby. He proudly walked from the wheelchair onto the stage after the film screening for Q & A. His responses were lively & as entertaining as he was earlier in his life. The movie is a very well made film giving insight into both Koch's often controversial style of leadership & the history of NYC. As I prepared the short video (less than a minute) for my What If Wednesday series, I was struck by the question, What if all politicians followed Ed Koch's example & asked, "How am I doing?" & we all took the time to answer?

What do you think would happen? Would we have the same stalemates in Washington? Since psychologists have found that social action is related to feelings of an internal locus of control, would we feel more in control of what is happening in our country? Would we be more motivated to get involved in politics?

From the documentary, Koch, with the city he loved

As always, I would love to hear your thoughts & comments. Let me know, "How am I doing?" The best ideas & suggestions for future "What If Wednesday" posts will be shared in later posts. So please let me know what you think.

Motivational Mondays: America the Beautiful Bringing Hope to America, New Orleans, & Newtown

Thought for the Day: Since I only started this series last week with the post Manic Mondays, I decided to take one of my followers suggestions. Instead of Manic Mondays, Monday's posts will be either Motivational Mondays or Milestone Mondays. Motivational Mondays will offer tips to reduce stress & start the week on a positive start. Milestone Monday posts will discuss important events or holidays that happen on that week. I will post great photos that I find like the stunning one above by +Ken Ohsawa from G+ as well. You can check his profile out on Google+.

This week, I had planned on writing tips on stress management. However,  when I opened my computer & saw the video above of Jennifer Hudson and children from the Sandy Hook Elementary School singing America the Beautiful at the opening of the Super Bowl yesterday, I changed my mind.

First, I have a confession to make. I did not watch the beginning of the Super Bowl. I am not an avid football fan, therefore, I was driving when the Super Bowl began. I watched later in the game, saw some amazing touch downs, Beyonce's extravaganza at half time, the black out & the rest of the game. While watching, I was working on the Motivational Mondays photo & began to organize my thoughts for today's post.

This morning when I saw this video, I realized that I missed the best part of the Super Bowl. It was inspiring to see the players moved by the song as they swayed, some with their hands over their hearts or on a child's shoulder & sang along. It was even more powerful to know how much having the Super Bowl in New Orleans was helping a city still overcoming the devastation of Hurricane Katrina. Whether you missed this powerful rendition of America the Beautiful, which represents the resilience of a nation coming together & rebuilding, or if you saw it yesterday, it is worth watching again to motivate you this Monday morning. It was a major dose of positive psychology for a nation in need of recovery. I applaud the producers of the Super Bowl for making such an inspiring statement. Hopefully, it will help us to remain focused on the conversations that need to happen that will lead to reform & creative solutions to the problems that face our great nation (see my earlier posts: Dear Mr. President: Help Us Make Right Something So Wrong, Five Ways to Give Meaning to a Blue Christmas, & What If? Wednesday).

Last week I used the song Manic Monday by the Bangles to give you some suggestions of ways to weave your dreams into your week staring on your 1st coffee break. How did you do with that assignment? Did you discover a dream that you want to start working toward? Spend some time on your coffee break to revisit your dream & see whether you have been making room for it over the last week. I'd love to hear how you are doing with the assignment!

Have a wonderful week!