Wednesday's Words of Wisdom: Can Mothers Bring Peace to the Middle East?

Thought for the Day: The war in the Middle East rages on and with each day the tragic loss of life increases. Pacifism and optimism don't seem to coexist in that area of the world. I am saddened by the senseless loss of life on both sides. I wish I had the answers that would end the conflict. The quote from above was first spoken in 1957 by Golda Meir, (1898 -1978), the 4th prime Minister of the State of Israel and the 3rd woman in the world to become a prime minister of any nation. She was a mother and grandmother who lead Israel into war with a heavy heart. Sadly. peace still eludes the region. Only two pieces of news this week gave me hope. 
     The 1st was an unprecedented announcement that the IDF, the Israeli Defense Force, opened a field hospital close to the border with Gaza, to offer treatment to Palestinian civilian casualties. In addition, they will be offering EMS services to women, children and the elderly needing medical treatment. Injuries requiring additional care will be transferred to Israeli hospitals.I commend their progressive attempts to let the civilian population know that they do not wish to harm them. Their issues are with Hamas.
     I believe that if the world ever learns to live in peace, it will be due to the efforts of mothers who will find creative ways to coexist for their children and their children's children's sake. I found the 2nd bit of news that gave a tiny ray of hope on Facebook. I added some images and share them as the 2nd words of wisdom for today. It is a prayer co-written by two mothers, Sheikha Ibtisam Mahameed, a Palestinian, and Rabba Elad-Appelbaum, an Israeli. I hope that their prayers will be answered...

What If Aliens Attacked Our World?

Thought for Today: My imagination took me to a strange question today. I tend to avoid science fiction, but somehow my What If? Wednesdays series led me to wonder what would happen if aliens attacked our world? Would we unite as one human race to protect our planet?  Are we already being attacked by alien like transgressions? Take a look at this short video & see what you might do.  Are we all too busy to take some time to make a difference? Together, I believe we can. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this subject. Do you have any suggestions for additional What If? Wednesdays posts? Let your imagination take you to whatever "what if" questions you would like to explore. I hope you will come back Friday for Friday's Fabulous Finds.
 

Newtown: What Can Parents Do When They Are At A Loss For Words??

Thought for the Day: As the cold hard facts of the tragedy in Newtown CT are revealed on the news, the pictures are heartbreaking.  We all struggle to make sense of a senseless crime against defenseless children & teachers. There are more questions than answers swirling in everyone's heads. Some of the questions may never be answered. In this day & age with television's instantaneous reports, when trauma strikes we are all traumatized. Parents watch horrified & do not know what to say to their children. Today I will share some thoughts & coping skills, but I will also raise tough questions & would like to hear your thoughts as well. (It is a longer post, but bear with me & make sure you read the questions at the end.)

I became a reluctant expert on helping children & families deal with trauma when I was a young psychology student working on my Master's thesis in Israel when the Yom Kippur War broke out. I was also a young parent of two whose husband was in the reserves for close to a year. Hundreds of school children lost their fathers in reserve units like my husband's in the Sinai. My professor, Dr. Esther Halpern, was also my adviser on my Master's Thesis. She encouraged me to focus my thesis on ways to help children cope with war, father absence & the death of a parent during war.

I remember my concern about doing research on the subject. How could I ask children who had recently lost their fathers about how they felt about their father's death & then disappear from their lives?  She told me that as a psychologist & I would need to talk to children & adults about all kinds of difficult issues in their lives & that if a child needed additional help we would let the teachers know. She also asked if I had ever spoken to a teacher or even a stranger who had touched my life & helped me even though we only spoke once. I will never forget how grateful & surprised those children were that I asked them about their fathers. They told me that most people avoided talking to them about their fathers at all. I believe the interviews helped those children cope with their loss.

It is far more pleasant to work with people on reaching for their dreams, however, there is a time & a place for everything. Although I am a pacifist, the lessons I learned about disasters & war, have been used each time tragedy rears it's head. When it occurs,  I know I can help people through the worst of times. I am a strong believer in finding words & other ways to help people cope with loss & tragedy. I may be the only psychologist in the USA who asks every new client how they were impacted by 9/11 & the wars that have followed, but I know that the impact of trauma can be felt many years later.

Elementary School & Gunman are words we don't expect to see in the same sentence

No matter how many times I have helped people in the midst of a tragedy, I too am at first blindsided by feelings of terror, anger, sorrow, shock & disbelief. Although words fail us as adults, we must find the strength to help one another & our children through the tragedy.  When words fail us, being there, holding one another, saying that we do not know what to say is important, both for the mourners & for their supporters. We must find ways to express our feelings, since we cannot cope with our feelings if we do not know what they are.

On Friday, I was called by Cigna EAP & asked to help  employees working at a corporation in Stamford who live in Newtown. I rescheduled my clients & will be there Monday & Tuesday. Late last night a journalist, LA Bachelor , who lives in North Carolina, but was raised in Connecticut, called & asked me to come on his radio show to address what parents can do to help their children following this tragedy. We spoke at length & I look forward to helping his listeners on Monday 6-8 PM. Just two weeks ago I was speaking on another radio show helping parents struggling with the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy. Given my experience, stepping up to the plate & speaking or volunteering to help using my expertise, is one of my coping mechanisms. You too can find ways to help that will help the survivors & help you at the same time. (I will post the information about the radio show, where you can call in questions as well.) (Post a comment & your e-mail if you would like to be informed about the show.)

Those of you who have been reading my posts know that volunteerism & activism is something that I encourage & support. It is too soon for solutions, but it is important to ask the tough questions & that we all advocate to make changes that will help prevent tragedies like Newtown from happening. Let your children know that you will be searching for answers, asking the questions of your leaders, & fighting for programs that will help.

I saw the movie Lincoln last night & was struck by the parallels between President Lincoln's challenges facing the tragedy of the Civil War & President Obama fighting tears as he consoled our nation following the tragedy in Newtown. We as citizens, parents & grandparents need to advocate for our leaders to help lead our country to find ways to prevent the senseless attacks on innocent people in schools, churches, & movie theaters.

We are all hearing about the fiscal crisis. Are we ignoring the mental health & emotional crisis that is plaguing our society? Are we placing too much emphasis on grades & academic achievement & ignoring the emotional well being of our children? Are we expecting knee jerk responses & band-aid solutions to work following tragedies when long term ongoing comprehensive programs are what's needed? The shooter in Newtown was around 10 years old when 9/11 occurred. In the news they are now saying that he had Asperger's syndrome or a personality disorder. How do trauma like 9/11 & the constant barrage of movies, video games & news coverage of violence impact on all children but in particular on those with emotional issues? As parents, you can demand more comprehensive crisis prevention programs to address all kinds of issues from bullying to learning differences, to prejudice & intolerance of differences. You can encourage the gun control debate about your children's rights for life, liberty & the pursuit of happiness versus the right of citizens' to bear arms including semi-automatic weapons.

Please feel free to comment & share your thoughts.

Thanksgiving, Alice's Restaurant & Paying It Forward

Thought for the Day: Yesterday while driving home from NYC I turned on the radio. The program was playing folk music written for Thanksgiving. It began with a short clip from Alice's Restaurant & went downhill from there. I was amazed that there were no good songs for the holiday. So I decided to do something different this time. I'm posting the original recording of Alice's Restaurant by Arlo Guthrie for you to enjoy & asking if anyone knows another good song for Thanksgiving. I would love to have you post it here. If you can't find music, perhaps there are some great poems or short stories. Please share them.

It is interesting that Alice's Restaurant is also a peace song written when our nation was at war. I am thankful that our troupes are exiting from the wars we have been fighting, although I am anxious & saddened by the violence in the Middle East & the threat of nuclear proliferation in Iran. As we give thanks for all that we have, I also am saddened by the difficulties people are suffering in New York, New Jersey & Connecticut. On Wednesday I will be doing a radio show on how to reduce the impact of traumatic stress on children & families. The program, Paying It Forward with Josephine Geraci will air Wednesday 11/21/2012 from 10 - 11 AM EST at www.toginet.com  & will be available to download after the show. If you listen live, you can call in with questions. I hope that this will help those still dealing with the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy during this Thanksgiving week. It is one way of giving to those hurt more by the Hurricane than just the inconvenience of losing power for a week.

So send me some songs, stories or poems about Thanksgiving, listen in on Wednesday if you can & have a Happy Thanksgiving!

Flashback Tuesday: Part III: Paying It Forward Deep in the Heart of Texas

      Today I decided to repost a blog that I wrote in 2012, since it highlight the story of a Veteran, Higher Ground's recreational therapy program & paying it forward. All week you can purchase a copy of the Wake Up and Dream Challenge with a discount (today it is 40% off tomorrow it will be more expensive, so the sooner you download the book the bigger discount you will get). Every time someone buys the buys the book on Amazon 1/2 of the profits will go to Higher Ground, so you will be helping honor our veterans & wounded warriors. (You do not need to own a kindle to download the book. Using Kindle's free cloud reader you can download it to your computer, ipad or smartphone.) You can also send it as a gift to friends.

Pay it Forward The Movie 2000 with Helen Hunt & Kevin Spacey

Thought for the Day: Yesterday was Pay it Forward Day. On Wednesday, I took part in a special 2 hour live radio program Paying It Forward with Josephine Geraci to celebrate Pay It Forward Day. I was one of multiple entrepreneurs included in the show who are paying it forward in their businesses, including Catherine Ryan Hyde, author & founder of the Pay It Forward movement. The book became a movie in 2000 starring Helen Hunt & Kevin Spacey. You can download & listen to the radio program & be inspired. How have you payed it forward? Has someone payed it forward for you? I would love to hear your stories.

After I left Camp Young Judaea TX last Sunday, I stopped to buy water at the 1st gas station before I got onto the highway. When I went to pay, a man in line told me I could go first. I was not in a hurry & at 1st did not understand why he let me check out before him. He was leaning against the counter, with his shirt unbuttoned & his hand against his chest. It was 90 degrees outside & the man, who already had what used to be called a healthy tan, appeared to have the start of a sunburn. I asked if he was all right. He told me he was having an angina attack, but he would be OK. He said, "I've had them before, but I left my medicine at home. I walked too much today." I asked if he needed a ride. He said he would appreciate it & offered to pay me gas money. I told him there was no need to pay me anything & offered to take him to a hospital if he felt it was necessary. Since he lived close by, I asked the cashier who had been listening to our conversation, if he knew him & whether he could vouch for him. The cashier assured me he knew Joe & it was fine for me to drive him home. (If I disappeared, the cashier would know where to look for me!)

Joe also had an orange tree (more like a potted plant) that he had been carrying with him in the scorching Texas sun. He put the plant in the back seat & we began our journey. As he reached into his pocket, I told him again that there was no need for him to pay me. Instead, he pulled out his Veteran's ID card to let me know he had served our nation. He also apologized for having the smell of alcohol on his breath since he had taken a drink to help ease the pain. As he directed me to his home, a shack with a "roof that needs fixing,"  he told me he felt lucky to be able to rent it for only $415 a month.

When we got to his place, he asked if I would mind praying with him. When I agreed, he asked if he could hold my hand. He thanked Jesus for getting him home safely & then he prayed for my safe return home. When I was a child, I would mouth the words of Christmas carols thinking it was against my religion to sing words that were not my religion's beliefs, but I felt honored to be included in Joe's prayer. When he got out of the car & took his orange tree, he stumbled a bit & told me that he has neuropathy in both feet.

I felt I had done the right thing & may have saved Joe from having a heart attack, but was most touched by his prayer for me. When he showed me his Veteran's ID, I started to tell him about Higher Ground & the great work they do to help veterans, but stopped myself. Instead, I am sharing this story with you & I hope that it will inspire you to pay it forward & help a veteran.

In War there are no unwounded soldiers

There are too many veterans, like Joe, living with multiple physical & invisible wounds on below poverty level incomes. As the T-shirt in the above picture says, "In war, there are no unwounded soldiers." I don't know if Joe has an alcohol addiction, but he does have a heart condition & appears to have diabetes. He can't afford a car in a place where there is virtually no public transportation. He is a proud man who is getting by with very little & thankful for what he has. Joe & all our veterans deserve more. Programs like Higher Ground use recreational followed by three years of vocational therapies to rehabilitate our war heroes.

Recreational Therapies provided by Higher Ground

You can Pay it Forward by buying a book which supports Higher Ground. When you finish reading the book, donate it to a library, encourage your friends or book club to do the same. Happy Pay It Forward Day. Let's make it 365 days a year!

The Hunger Games Parenting Nightmare or Opportunity?

                       Parenting Nightmare or Opportunity?

Thought for the day: I heard a story once about the difference between heaven & hell. In the story,  in hell there was a huge banquet table overflowing with food. The people seated at the banquet table had long spoons attached to their arms. The spoons made it impossible for the people to bend their arms, so they could not reach their mouths & feed themselves. The people at the banquet in this version of hell were all starving. In heaven, there was an identical banquet table. The people at the banquet table in heaven also had long spoons attaches to their arms, however, these people were not starving. The people in heaven had figured out that they could feed one another & they were all enjoying the bounty. Even when we are faced with difficult situations, we have choices.  The movie, The Hunger Games raises similar moral & ethical questions. What would you do if you were challenged by life & death issues? What do you want your children & teens to learn from movies like The Hunger Games?

Yesterday, I went to see the movie, The Hunger Games. It is not the kind of movie I tend to frequent. When I heard the story line about choosing teenagers in a lottery to fight to the death in a televised "reality show," I was anxious about the impact it would have on our youth. I went to see it to be prepared to help parents & teens in my clinical practice process this blockbuster movie which brought in $152.5 million^[5] (USD) on its opening weekend in North America. I am glad I went & would encourage parents to see the movie before their children, so that they will be prepared to talk about the questions the movie will raise for their children. It does not need to be a parenting nightmare any more than the book, The Lord of the Flies which is taught in most schools across the USA.

The movie is a powerful critique of many things which are happening in our society. One of the characters says, "It's only a television show." It raises questions about how television productions can distort & sensationalize reality. Each of the "Tributes," children chosen as sacrifices to fight to death for their district, is taken to the capitol to be packaged, branded & prepared to try to get "sponsors" to support them. The 2 tributes from District 12, Katniss Everdeen (Jennifer Lawrence) &  Peeta Mellark (Josh Hutcherson) are followed as they try to survive & hold true to themselves & their values. Katniss volunteers to be a tribute to save her younger sister who was picked in the lottery. She then befriends & tries to protect a younger tribute from another district. She also protects Peeta from her district. The children & adults from the districts are trapped like sacrificial lambs. The parents in  are impotent & unable to protect their children. The adults in the opulent capital are portrayed as childish caricatures of adults enjoying the horrors as if they were at a Mardi Gras celebration. The leaders, like the character portrayed by Donald Sutherland are cynical, calculating, & controlling. They give minimal hope to the districts to keep them subservient.

Unfortunately,  in our world today, in Africa, Asia & the Middle East children are being used to fight in adult wars. Terrorist recruit suicide bombers among dissatisfied teens. In 2010, the United Nations started the Zero Under 18 campaign to help stop the deployment of children to fight wars. Throughout our world, even in the United States, human trafficking of children & teens is happening. Children are being abused, kidnapped & used as prostitutes. Organizations like A Child Is Missing, featured in my book, help protect children from being abducted or kidnapped. Although there has not been a Hunger Games TV show, we need to protect our children from the abuses of children in our world. The movie will bring up the uncomfortable, yet real questions of what you are doing or can do to protect children from child abuse & war.

The kinds of discussions that this film can provide are worth having with your children.  What could parents have done to protect their children? After one of the tributes was killed one district did try to fight back. How could adults help one another & fight back? What could the children have done to fight back? The time to protest is before dictators take over. Are there things happening in the world that we as Americans who have freedom can help prevent? Are we like the people in heaven or like those hell, failing to see that there are ways we can help one another?

One Person Can Only Do So Much?

Thought for the day: On this holiday weekend what is your dream for the world? Spring is a time for rebirth. I hope that spring will help you to reignite your dreams. This weekend I have been thinking about freedom, change & the circle of life. What are your dreams? I hope you will share one dream here. As the simple edit above shows, one person's dreams can do so much to inspire others.

How often do you see the problems facing the world & feel overwhelmed? We are all busy living our lives, feeling we can only handle the demands of work & family life. When we feel this way, we think thoughts like the one above, "I'm just one person, how can I make a dent in the problems of the world?"

In 1983, I was a 3rd year doctoral student at the Massachusetts School of Professional Psychology, I was one person stretched to what I thought was the max. I worked part time as an intern, part time as a fee-for-service psychology assistant at the Greater Lawrence Psychological Center, was a full time student & mother of three children. I was trying to complete my doctorate & had to choose a topic for my Doctoral project. I was leaning towards working on something that would build on my Master's Thesis, which looked at what helps children cope with bereavement, father absence & war. I thought it would make the project easier to accomplish within a year.

That same year, the television movie, "The Day After," aired. It was a powerful, disturbing movie which portrayed the lives of a family in Kansas the day after a nuclear attack. After I watched the film with my family,  I angrily asked, "Where are the demonstrations? Why aren't there protesters against nuclear proliferation like there were protesting the Viet Nam War?" My oldest daughter was a teenager.  With the biting honesty of a teenager confronting what she saw as hypocricy she asked, "Why aren't you doing anything?" I told her I was too busy, going to school working & running a household, but her question haunted me.

For those of you who have been reading my blog, you may already have noticed that often I sleep on or "dream on" things & awaken with new solutions to problems. After I slept on it, I woke up & realized that I could do something. I decided to use my doctoral project as a way to discover what was keeping people from taking action against the nuclear threat. I decided to create & study a technique to help promote discussion of this difficult topic & to help stimulate activism. It was harder than what I had planned to do since I was going into a new area of research, but it energized me. I felt more positive about the project & actually completed it in a timely fashion.  In addition, as a parent, I was modeling the kind of behavior I wanted my teenage daughter to emulate. Instead of telling her, "There is only so much one person can do," I was showing her that, "one person can do so much."

What is your dream for the world? What can you do today to start moving toward your dream? The 1st & most important step is owning your dream. Tell yourself what you want to accomplish & then tell others. Just conceptualizing it will help you begin to see how to fit your dream into your already busy life. In this day & age, it might be as simple as googling the issue & posting something on your facebook page every day. I'd love to hear your dreams. Have you ever felt like there was nothing you could do to change something & found a way? I'd love to hear your stories.

When Johnny Comes Marching Home Are We Ready To Support Our Veterans in Times of Peace

Thought for the day: The world has had glimpses of Gabby Giffords injury & amazing, yet still challenging rehabilitation. Our veterans returning from Iraq's injuries are often less visible. We rallied to support our troupes while they were at war, but the war to fight for rehabilitation will continue for many years. Programs like Higher Ground are ready but need our support to do their good work.

Do you know a veteran or a family of a veteran who could use some help? Share their stories & by all means let them know about Higher Ground.
For this post, I'd like to share a chapter from my book describing how Higher Ground, one of 21 Dream Nonprofits featured helps wounded warriors reach their dreams as they recover from the trauma & physical injuries of war.
 

Julio and Maria

Two years after graduating high school, Julio lacked direction in his life. He felt trapped. He saw no opportunities on the horizon in his home of Puerto Rico. After much searching, Julio found a career with plenty of room for advancement—one which would bring financial stability for his family, & provide opportunities for higher education. At the age of twenty, Julio enlisted in the United States Army.

During his first years of active duty, Julio enjoyed the path he had chosen. He had a secure job with great benefits. He, along with his young family, enjoyed visiting parts of the world they might never have had the chance to see. Eventually Julio received orders; he was being deployed to Iraq. While nervous & hesitant to leave his wife & baby daughter, Julio felt honored to have the opportunity to serve his country.

While in Iraq, Julio was exposed to multiple improvised explosive devices (IEDs). Like most soldiers, he simply pulled himself up by his bootstraps & moved forward. He ignored the chronic headaches & grogginess he was feeling. Then, while mounted atop a Humvee in Fallujah, Julio’s unit was ambushed. Julio was shot through the right eye by a sniper. The gunshot & blast exposures resulted in multiple cranial fractures, & a detached retina in his left eye.

When he returned stateside, Julio awoke from a coma & discovered he had lost 90% of his vision, & suffered a severe traumatic brain injury (TBI). Julio also suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) reliving his battle experiences daily. He found himself on ‘edge’ in public & dependant on others for care. Julio felt distant from his wife, & unable to handle the anxiety brought on by his three young children.

With a three-year-old daughter, a new set of twin girls, & a severely disabled husband, Maria was overwhelmed by grief, exhausted by the task of being her husband’s caretaker & trying to run a household. Her challenges seemed insurmountable. She felt guilty leaving her husband’s side for even a moment, fearful that he might experience further harm. Julio was going through the medical board process. Although confident he would eventually receive his full pay & benefits, in the meantime, Julio received only a portion of his active duty pay.

While going through treatment at the VA hospital, Julio’s caseworker told him about the—Sun Valley Adaptive SportsProgram in Idaho—called Higher Ground (HG). Julio made contact with a Recreational Therapist on the HG team, & quickly developed a new friendship. Julio felt excited for the first time since his injury. He applied to a couple’s snow sports camp because neither he nor Maria had ever seen snow. Here was a chance for adventure. It would be a place to once again feel a sense of camaraderie with other veterans. This was a way for his wife to find the support of other spouses. They both could receive the individual attention of a team of therapists to teach them coping strategies. 

When asked what motivated him to join HG Julio replied, “I was a lifelong surfer before my injury, now I’m not able to even get in the ocean by myself. I think about it constantly. Learning to snowboard will prove to me that I’m still capable; it will show my wife she doesn’t have to always be watching over me.” In response to the same question, Maria replied, “I just want to see my husband smile again.”

Julio’s first day on the mountain taught him that he had grossly underestimated his potential. To the amazement of his instructor, he was making full runs—snowboarding from the top to the bottom of the mountain. Maria’s joy came from seeing what her husband could do independently. The staff of HG gained her confidence. For the first time in years, she was able to leave Julio’s side without anxiety. “I left Julio to go out & do something fantastic…it was the first time in years I was able to let him go; to let him be who he was before his injuries.” Maria grew increasingly comfortable at camp leaving Julio on his own.

In group therapy sessions Maria learned how to cope with her husband’s hardships. She also gained new insight into Julio’s Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) & Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Most importantly, Maria learned that Julio was capable of being an independent man.

Before leaving, Julio thanked the HG staff, saying, “I’m going home with new confidence, but more importantly my wife has been able to be herself & not worry about me constantly.” As part of the HG program, the couple came up with a goal they wished to accomplish in the next year. Julio proudly stood in front of his new unit & announced that within one year he & his Maria would have a proper wedding in front of her family in the church she once attended in the Dominican Republic.

Julio decided it was time to be proactive in his recovery & applied to a blind rehabilitation center. Six months after joining the HG family, Julio called the staff. He was so excited that he could barely contain himself. “I just got back from seeing Maria & the kids. No one came to pick me up! I left the hospital, went to the train station, walked to the house, & surprised Maria at the door. I DID IT ALL BY MYSELF!” The HG staff was brought to tears when Julio said, “You have heard of the snowball effect? I believe that sometimes that snowball can defy gravity & gain momentum & mass as it rolls uphill. My snowball started on top of a mountain in Idaho, followed me home to Florida, through blind rehab, & will be with me when I stand next to my wife at the altar.”

This true story is only one of many that the team at Higher Ground proudly shares. HG is now recognized as a leader in their industry from the Department of Defense, The Joint Chiefs of Staff, The Department of Excellence, & a host of military & VA medical installations nationwide. In their holistic approach to rehabilitation, HG provides therapy & support to those caring for wounded veterans. HG offers: the longest follow up program in the industry; daily therapeutic themes that provide the tools necessary to find success in life; resources nationally & in their home community; referrals to programs meeting medical, educational, familial, & social needs; a reintegration budget to continue the momentum at home; &, access to these services 100% cost free to the veterans & their supporters. In addition, HG staff conducts research with major universities assessing the efficacy of their techniques. They also present at conferences & seminars nationwide teaching others how to conduct effective therapeutic recreation programs.

It’s the dream of the HG staff to improve the quality of care provided to American heroes nationwide! 

To support their dream you can purchase The Wake Up And Dream Challenge at http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/the-wake-up-and-dream-challenge/18745116 Half the profits will go to Higher Ground supporting our recovering veterans.