Newtown: What Can Parents Do When They Are At A Loss For Words??

Thought for the Day: As the cold hard facts of the tragedy in Newtown CT are revealed on the news, the pictures are heartbreaking.  We all struggle to make sense of a senseless crime against defenseless children & teachers. There are more questions than answers swirling in everyone's heads. Some of the questions may never be answered. In this day & age with television's instantaneous reports, when trauma strikes we are all traumatized. Parents watch horrified & do not know what to say to their children. Today I will share some thoughts & coping skills, but I will also raise tough questions & would like to hear your thoughts as well. (It is a longer post, but bear with me & make sure you read the questions at the end.)

I became a reluctant expert on helping children & families deal with trauma when I was a young psychology student working on my Master's thesis in Israel when the Yom Kippur War broke out. I was also a young parent of two whose husband was in the reserves for close to a year. Hundreds of school children lost their fathers in reserve units like my husband's in the Sinai. My professor, Dr. Esther Halpern, was also my adviser on my Master's Thesis. She encouraged me to focus my thesis on ways to help children cope with war, father absence & the death of a parent during war.

I remember my concern about doing research on the subject. How could I ask children who had recently lost their fathers about how they felt about their father's death & then disappear from their lives?  She told me that as a psychologist & I would need to talk to children & adults about all kinds of difficult issues in their lives & that if a child needed additional help we would let the teachers know. She also asked if I had ever spoken to a teacher or even a stranger who had touched my life & helped me even though we only spoke once. I will never forget how grateful & surprised those children were that I asked them about their fathers. They told me that most people avoided talking to them about their fathers at all. I believe the interviews helped those children cope with their loss.

It is far more pleasant to work with people on reaching for their dreams, however, there is a time & a place for everything. Although I am a pacifist, the lessons I learned about disasters & war, have been used each time tragedy rears it's head. When it occurs,  I know I can help people through the worst of times. I am a strong believer in finding words & other ways to help people cope with loss & tragedy. I may be the only psychologist in the USA who asks every new client how they were impacted by 9/11 & the wars that have followed, but I know that the impact of trauma can be felt many years later.

Elementary School & Gunman are words we don't expect to see in the same sentence

No matter how many times I have helped people in the midst of a tragedy, I too am at first blindsided by feelings of terror, anger, sorrow, shock & disbelief. Although words fail us as adults, we must find the strength to help one another & our children through the tragedy.  When words fail us, being there, holding one another, saying that we do not know what to say is important, both for the mourners & for their supporters. We must find ways to express our feelings, since we cannot cope with our feelings if we do not know what they are.

On Friday, I was called by Cigna EAP & asked to help  employees working at a corporation in Stamford who live in Newtown. I rescheduled my clients & will be there Monday & Tuesday. Late last night a journalist, LA Bachelor , who lives in North Carolina, but was raised in Connecticut, called & asked me to come on his radio show to address what parents can do to help their children following this tragedy. We spoke at length & I look forward to helping his listeners on Monday 6-8 PM. Just two weeks ago I was speaking on another radio show helping parents struggling with the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy. Given my experience, stepping up to the plate & speaking or volunteering to help using my expertise, is one of my coping mechanisms. You too can find ways to help that will help the survivors & help you at the same time. (I will post the information about the radio show, where you can call in questions as well.) (Post a comment & your e-mail if you would like to be informed about the show.)

Those of you who have been reading my posts know that volunteerism & activism is something that I encourage & support. It is too soon for solutions, but it is important to ask the tough questions & that we all advocate to make changes that will help prevent tragedies like Newtown from happening. Let your children know that you will be searching for answers, asking the questions of your leaders, & fighting for programs that will help.

I saw the movie Lincoln last night & was struck by the parallels between President Lincoln's challenges facing the tragedy of the Civil War & President Obama fighting tears as he consoled our nation following the tragedy in Newtown. We as citizens, parents & grandparents need to advocate for our leaders to help lead our country to find ways to prevent the senseless attacks on innocent people in schools, churches, & movie theaters.

We are all hearing about the fiscal crisis. Are we ignoring the mental health & emotional crisis that is plaguing our society? Are we placing too much emphasis on grades & academic achievement & ignoring the emotional well being of our children? Are we expecting knee jerk responses & band-aid solutions to work following tragedies when long term ongoing comprehensive programs are what's needed? The shooter in Newtown was around 10 years old when 9/11 occurred. In the news they are now saying that he had Asperger's syndrome or a personality disorder. How do trauma like 9/11 & the constant barrage of movies, video games & news coverage of violence impact on all children but in particular on those with emotional issues? As parents, you can demand more comprehensive crisis prevention programs to address all kinds of issues from bullying to learning differences, to prejudice & intolerance of differences. You can encourage the gun control debate about your children's rights for life, liberty & the pursuit of happiness versus the right of citizens' to bear arms including semi-automatic weapons.

Please feel free to comment & share your thoughts.

If Nature Was A Mother There Would Be No Hurricanes

Thought for the day: Having just had my electricity restored late last night, I am just beginning to see the images of devastation from Hurricane Sandy. I saw bits and pieces at the comfort station on the internet while dealing with the minor issues I faced on my property & with staying warm. I have been thinking that the term, "Mother Nature," is a misnomer. When we see the beauty of nature it seems appropriate. However, if nature was a mother there would be no hurricanes, tornadoes or earthquakes.

Now that I have power, I have been seeing & reading posts by New York Says Thank You Foundation & others in areas hit harder than me. Here's a post from NY Says Thank You's Facebook page today: "QUICK UPDATE: Robin Levitin and Jill Smilow made 200 PB&J sandwiches for us to distribute in the Rockaways and dropped off the box at my house. Josh and I just took some of the sandwiches to distribute to people on the gas line at 96th and West End Ave. The 4th car was a woman from the Rockaways who has been on the gas line since 6:30AM who asked me how many sandwiches we could spare for her to share with her neighbors in the Rockaways?. WE JUST FED 200 PEOPLE IN THE ROCKAWAYS BY GOING TO WEST END AVENUE AND 96TH STREET. Think Global. ACT local. " NY Says Thank You is one of the NPO's featured in my book & I am not surprised to see how they have jumped into action to help.

Today was the first day that I could reflect on what has been happening. Other than to be friendly & helpful when I could in my community, I did not have the energy much more than observe & write a bit on the blog & facebook. I found making photos with inspirational comments was the most I could do (two are shown below). Today, I spoke with some people about helping as a psychologist in my area & possibly preparing a video that could tell other towns about the creative ways they met the challenges for this community. I described them in my last post, but cannot praise their efforts enough. The small town of Weston serviced many other towns around here with meals, beds, showers, movies & activities for children, & busing for the elderly from here & the surrounding area.

It is too soon to report about it in detail, since there may be another storm in two days hitting the region with rain & snow. However, I will be telling the story in the coming weeks. Weston CT which has been hit three times with major storms in the last year & a half took over when nature has reared it's un-motherly wrath & nurtured the community with grace, creativity & amazing organization.

I'd love to hear how you & your town are faring & meeting the challenges that the storm has given you. If you are not on the northeast, how have you helped? Our maternal instincts can help our neighbors recover from the wrath of nature's un-motherly side.

Whether the Glass Is 1/2 Full or 1/2 Empty Make The Most With What You Have Left

Photo source: wimo.blogg.no

Thought for the day: Before the storm I saw a similar photo which I posted on facebook. In light of Hurricane Sandy, the thought has additional significance. Be thankful that you still have a glass and that there is something in it. Some people have only broken glass and their lives, otheres have lost loved ones as well as homes & belongings. If you were fortunate enough to have more, be the glass & contents for your neighbors, friends & strangers. Adversity leads to creative problem solving out of necessity. I'll be sharing some of the creative ways people are helping one another here in my town, but I'd love to hear other ways you & your towns' innovative ways of coping with the aftermath of the storm.

As I reported on facebook, I was lucky. Although we lost power & are still in the dark at home, there is a lot of light coming from the town & neighbors. This is the 3rd time in the last year and a half that CT has been hit by extensive power outages. The last one a year ago left us without power for 2 wks.  Because of the extended power outages in the past, our town was ready to jump into action.

The morning after the storm a tree on my street was cut so that one lane of cars could get by. There were however hundreds of streets impacted by fallen trees. Yesterday, when we came to the "comfort station" set up at the high school, I realized how happy I was to see wood chipping & landscaping trucks all over town. I also saw CLP crews working everywhere I went. The license plates of electric crews were from KT, TX, CA and even Canada.

People are helpful wherever you go as well. On the 1st day after the storm while we worked to clear a tree from our mailbox & driveway,  a neighbor we had only met once stopped, brought their chain saw & helped us cut both trees. Since we only had a hand saw, they saved us hours of labor.

The town comfort station has hot meals for $2.00 to $5.00, hot showers, power strips & tables set up for people to use the internet, for children, the gym, a ping pong room, all the fields outside & movies are being aired a few times a day, & water is available for all to take. Last night, since the temperatures were forecast to go into the 30's they also provided cots for residents to sleep at the high school.

Today was the first time that I actually looked at some of the damage in other parts of the northeast & is is upsetting to see. I feel lucky that what I am dealing with is minimal. If you are reading this & can become part of the glass or the contents of the glass for people who have suffered greater losses, do what you can. Even a call & words of support may help someone get through these tough times.