Wednesdsy's Wake Up Moments: The Christopher Lane Murder: What Do You Do When You Are Discouraged?

Thought for the Day: Wednesdays posts are being focused on you, my readers & fans. I want to know your high & low "Wake Up" moments on the rod to your dreams. I have been opening the discussion by sharing some of my highs & lows over the last few Wednesdays. Those of you reading my posts know that the end of the summer has been jam packed, making it hard to keep up. We have a friend here helping us do some work on the house . We are taking advantage of the end of the summer to get projects done before the weather changes. It is both a high & a low, making it hard to keep up with the blog.

However, this morning after a power outage, when I began to catch up by reading the news,  my challenges were brought into perspective, triggering a very discouraging low for me. In shock and sadness, I read about the senseless murder of Christopher Lane in Oklahoma. Lane was a college student athlete. He came from Australia to the US to play baseball & be with his American girlfriend of four years. He gunned down while jogging by 3 teens who said they were, "bored" & decided to kill someone.

I have been writing about gun control & preventive mental health programs in our school since before the Newtown tragedy. I am discouraged & heartbroken. When will we wake up & work together in nonpartisan efforts to improve the laws? When will parents (and all citizens) demand stronger mental health programs that will help curb the increase of violence in our nation? I will not be deterred from speaking up, going to Washington, & encouraging everyone who reads my blog to search for creative solutions. I for one could use a "virtual hug" from you via comments & suggestions from anyone who is struggling with these issues & agrees that we must take action. Together solutions can be found to whatever challenges we face.

How about you? What do you do when you are discouraged? Do you need a "virtual hug?" Feel free to post your highs & lows get some support as you move towards the lives of your dreams.

*This photo provided by East Central University shows Christopher Lane, an Australian who was on a baseball scholarship at East Central University in Ada, Okla. Lane was in Duncan, Okla., visiting his girlfriend, when he was shot and killed Friday, Aug. 16, 2013. (AP Photo/East Central University Communications & Marketing, Gina Smith)

Throwback Thursday: Sandy Hook Revisited: Where Were You Last December 14?

-->

Thought for the Day: As I mentioned, I have a new Dream Team of Interns helping me this summer. As I begin training them in the various tasks connected to my social media & event planning for my book, I have had them read my blog. I asked for their Input. They suggested Throwback Tuesdays & Thursdays as a way to showcase some of my past posts & revisit some of the events that I have written about before. Claire Freeman, my Human Resource Intern, who is also a psychology student, offered to write a piece for today. I was going to re-post one of my stories as well. When she said she had some personal experiences, which she could share, I encouraged her to write it. It was not until later that day when she forwarded me her story, that I understood why she had volunteered. Although I edited it, this is her story & I think you will appreciate it. I am fortunate to have Claire as a member of my Dream Team. Her sensitivity & concern for her camper & his family shine through. Here’s her guest post:

It was 2 PM on just another Friday afternoon In December. My hardest final was four hours away. Before making the trek from my dorm to a conference room to study for finals, I got a text from one of my friends. She wrote, "My school is in a lock down. I don't know what happened, but I'm okay." I brushed this off, thinking a lock down was not a big deal since at my high school lock down drills were routine. I met my friends, plugged headphones into my computer, & started studying. My only worry was how hard It would be to ace my research methods exam.

At around 3:30, I took a break. I opened Facebook to find a frantic message from my friend, "An armed man has opened fire in a classroom at the Sandy Hook Elementary School!" She & I had worked together at a day camp in Redding, CT for the past 4 years. My friend was in lock down at Newtown High School where she is a student. She also forwarded a link to a news website.  I watched in horror as one of my campers described what had happened on a news clip. I began counting how many of my campers went to Sandy Hook Elementary School. I asked my friend if they were okay.  My heart sank when she wrote back, "All but one are accounted for."  That camper was the son of one of the camp staff. His mother was the music & drama counselor. Not only was she was like a mother to all the campers, but she was also a maternal figure for the counselors. As the anxiety-filled hours crept by, I could not concentrate on my studies. At about 5:30, my friend sent me a three-word text, “He passed away.” In disbelief, I stared in shock at the words. I could not move.  

Somehow I forced myself to take my exam & drove home, but I could not keep my mind off my camper, their family, & the other victims. The next month felt like a bad dream. My fellow counselors & I met at one of the schools in Newtown to discuss what we could do for the family. Over the next few weeks we met, talked, went to vigils & attended our camper’s funeral. Driving through the center of Newtown was eerie. The sidewalks were lined with flowers & teddy bear memorials. This small quaint town was filled with camera crews & news teams from across the country & around the world. The entire town was in shock & mourning.

It has been six months since December 14^th 2012. Camera crews have packed up & gone home. A stoic kind of a peace, or should I say a new normalcy, has been restored to Newtown. People go on with their day-to-day activities. There are soccer games, dance recitals & school graduations, but the events of 12/14 are still in the back of everyone's minds. The town has not really moved on, they are just trying to cope with what happened. Life goes on for me as well, but it has changed me. I still think about him & that day, which made me want to write about it on Dr. Lavi's blog.  Gun control has become a prominent issue, however this is not what I choose to focus on. Instead I want to keep my camper's memory alive. Although I will never forget this tragic day, I want to always remember how he thrived in life. He was such a sweet, energetic little boy who loved to sing Beatles' songs. He always made everyone smile & laugh. I hope you too will always remember the 14^th of December. When you do, take a moment, hug your loved ones & remind yourself to live every moment to the fullest.

*Photo http://www.flickr.com/photos/luchilu/2090288372/

Friday's Fabulous Finds: Olivia Newton John, Tell Your Story, & Easy Ways To Support Causes

Thought for Today: This week my posts have focused on helping a child who received a heart transplant, encouraging people to support reasonable changes to gun control laws, & my personal science fiction fantasy of how our world community might respond if aliens invaded our planet. Since today is Friday it is time for my Friday's Fabulous Finds. I decided to bring you a mixed bag from Olivia Newton John on depression, to ways to make the planet greener, easily voice your opinion & tell your story to Washington DC, & easily start or support a cause you are passionate about.  I'd love to hear your thoughts & hope you will share your discoveries. Let me know if these things are helpful & what else you would like me to help you find to make a difference in your life. Have a wonderful weekend.

1) My first find is an article about Olivia Newton John, an actress that three generations will remember as Sandy in the 1978 musical Grease
with John Travolta.  What many people did not know until now is that the star has dealt with multiple challenges in life, breast cancer, divorce, the disappearance of her partner of nine years & her daughter's battle with an eating disorder. Whenever a star talks about how therapy improved their lives, it helps others overcome their concerns about trying therapy. She found both therapy & the use of anti-depressents as a way to gain the strength to heal & deal with things. Thank you Olivia Newton John, not only for your beautiful musical voice, but also for speaking up about depression & the importance of therapy.   -->http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/02/19/olivia-newton-john-depression-therapy_n_2717779.html?icid=maing-grid7|heroes|dl19|sec1_lnk2%26pLid%3D272235 

 2) Those of you following my blog know that I have been advocating for sensible changes in the laws surrounding gun control & increased mental health services both in schools & with adults in our nation. This week, I learned of an easy way to tell your story & to voice your opinion to your senators & congressmen. Although it is a non-profit supporting Barack Obama's policies, they want to hear from you & all citizens as they design new more sensible programs. Take a look. It only takes a few minutes for you to  share your stories, thoughts & ideas.  --> http://www.barackobama.com/stories/share-your-story?utm_medium=email&utm_source=obama&utm_content=httpmybarackobamacomShareYourStoryonGunViolence&utm_campaign=em13_20130220_sr_act&source=em13_20130220_sr_act

3) My third fabulous find,

-->One Million Acts of Green, (@omaog) empowers people to make a difference to save our planet (close to 4 million actions have been taken worldwide since it's launch!). It suggests & supports all sorts of actions you can take from creating your own actions & content, to joining groups, or getting inspired by celebrities. 

4)

-->The fourth fabulous find: Causes is a website that was "built for change." They offer "free & easy tools for passionate people to spread the word, find supporters, raise money, & build momentum."

Their "goal is to help you reach yours." They help you by offering nine templates that you can customize "ranging from a boilerplate petition to a page designed to capture video views - to fit your aspirations & drive towards lasting, real-world impact. If you're not ready to lead a movement, browse through some of the most popular actions to find one that could use your support."

So in case you feel like aliens have already attacked our planet & you want to make a difference, here are some resources that can help you change the world. 

Have a wonderful weekend! 

 

Motivational Mondays: How to Heal Broken Hearts: Sandy Hook Promise & a 5 Year Old Heart Transplant Recipient

Katy (Rockstar) Murphy at Boston Children's Hospital

Thought for the Day: Last week on Valentine's Day I joined thousands of concerned citizens on a March for Change. I planned to write about my experiences at the rally today. It was a powerful day which brought tears & calls for action by parents & siblings whose hearts were broken by gun violence but whose spirit is unshaken. They vow to help make changes in gun laws to prevent events like those that happened two months ago in Newtown CT. In the interim, since Valentine's Day, I learned of another family's journey from a broken heart to hope & healing. I decided to tell both stories in this post with a request to support both endeavors to heal broken hearts.

      The first part of how to mend broken hearts began at the March for Change Rally in Hartford CT. The signs were powerful in & of themselves.  The one above sums up for me the most important reason to take a stand. Our constitution promises: "Life, Liberty & the Pursuit of Happiness Life Comes First."  On the right, the poster reports that, "There have been 1,774 gun related deaths in the 2 months since the Sandy Hook Tragedy. "The third sign says, "Who in your life would have to die from gun violence before you would want to see gun laws change?"
     To see thousands of people, men, women & children from around CT  taking time on a Thursday morning to take a stand, many for the first time in their lives, against gun violence was encouraging. There were "Newtown Moms for Change" & children climbing on snowdrifts demanding change now & signs saying that, "Enough is enough."

      The speakers, however, brought home both the urgency & the challenge ahead of every citizen who backs the need for rational reform of the laws surrounding guns in our nation. Veronique Pozner, mother of Noah Posner, who at 6 years old was the youngest of the Sandy Hook shooting victims, told of how her young son would ask her questions that at times she did not know how to answer him. Her young philosopher asked, "If God created the universe, who created God?" This young child lost the opportunity to grow up with his twin sister & best friend who now fears she "will forget the sound of her brother's voice." His mother vows not to let people forget her son & to make sure laws are changed to help prevent losses like these from happening.

     Jillian Soto, sister of teacher Victoria Soto, who died protecting her students, also spoke of how proud her sister would be that she & others are taking a stand against gun violence. She forced back tears as she spoke of how she feels robbed of sharing a life full of Christmas mornings, weddings, births of children, the children she hopes to have not having cousins, or their aunt & not growing old with her sister who was her hero long before the tragedy. Jillian asked the audience "to think about the five most important people to you. What if you wrote those five names down on a piece of paper, handed it to me, and I crossed one of them out. How would that impact you?”
     Finally, we learned from our state officials, including Gov. Dannel Malloy, Republican Senate Minority Leader John McKinney who want to do what is right & make necessary reforms (tighter ban on assault-style weapons, a limit on high-capacity ammunition magazines & the creation of a universal background check system). However, those who want reform must speak up & contact their elected representatives. The gun lobby is sending one hundred letters to every one from those who want change. For our elected officials to do what they feel is right, they need to hear from those who want change. If your heart, like our country's heart has been broken by the increasing gun violence & you want to make changes, take a stand & speak up.
     The second story on how to mend a broken heart came to me from my daughter, Lee, via facebook. She asked me to share a post on my facebook page, since there are close to 1000 fans & hundreds of pages following my page. When I read about 5 year old Katy who has been waiting for over two years & living with a life threatening heart condition since she was born, I knew it was important to share. I offered to share it on twitter, facebook & my blog as soon as possible.  Here's what my daughter wrote:

Katy sitting up in the hospital after the operation

"Mom, I am wondering if you can share this link to give to Katy (Rockstar) Murphy on your Wake Up and Dream Challenge page? Katy is a 5 year old girl who received a new heart on 2/13/13 at Children's Hospital in Boston. Katy's mother, Amiee Sullivan Murphy, is a friend of mine from Bay Path College (where my daughter completed her BA & is completing her Master's Degree in an intensive program on Saturdays).  Both Aimiee & her husband have lost their jobs due to the demands that taking care of Katy has put on their time. There is a 30 day on-line fundraiser where people can help the family with medical expenses. No gift is too small, even if everyone gave $1 it would make a world of difference. On the fundraiser site there are links to Katy's Facebook group, the Murphy Family blog & the "Be A Rock For Katy" fund webpage where people can get more detailed info on Katy & her condition. It would mean a lot if you would be willing to post this on your page to try to get Katy's story out too as many people as possible. She truly is an amazing little girl."
To view a video from WHDH Channel 7 Boston about Katy click here:
http://www1.whdh.com/news/articles/local/boston/10009857871897/girl-5-receives-heart-transplant-in-boston/

or  on WBZ TV Boston click here:
http://boston.cbslocal.com/2013/02/14/wakefield-girl-gets-heart-transplant-in-time-for-valentines-day/

I hope you will take action & help. We can all write & make calls to our elected officials to help prevent broken hearts. Any assistance you can give to Katy & her family will help her heal. (http://www.giveforward.com/katyrockstarmurphy) We cannot bring back the children who have lost their lives to gun violence, but we can help Katy have the life she & all children deserve. 

#FF Friday's Fabulous Finds: Special Needs Support Map, Organizing for Action, & Liability Insurance for Gun Owners

Thought for the Day: Here are my #FF Friday's Fabulous Finds. There is a story by

Lisa Belkin about how a mother of a special needs child made sense of her intricate tasks & the support network she had to understand & utilize. See how she used her discovery to help others. The second find is about a new creative program that the Obama administration is launching to keep people involved in being the change they wish to see in their communities. Finally, there is an article by Mark E, Ruquet proposing that gun owners be required to have liability insurance for every gun they own, just like car insurance. I'd love to hear your thoughts & hope you enjoy these finds! Have a great weekend!

1) This article includes an intricate multi-colored map of a special needs child’s support system. It demonstrates how difficult it is to raise one special needs child. It shows how one mother, Cristin Lind, “learned about herself. Seeing the 70 colored ovals, each representing an area of care she (the mother of a special needs child) was expected to understand and coordinate, helped her see her life with new clarity. “No wonder we had so many piles of unfolded laundry,” she jokes.”

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/01/18/gabes-care-map-special-needs-children-caregivers_n_2469564.html?utm_hp_ref=parents&ir=Parents

2) I was pleased to see the new initiative, Organizing for Action,  as a way to keep the momentum of the Obama campaign working to develop local groups working for change across the United States. Take a look at the video by Jon Carson which explains how this new initiative will work.

http://www.barackobama.com/news/entry/welcome-to-organizing-for-action

3) Here’s a great idea from By Mark E. Ruquet, PropertyCasualty360.com: liability insurance for gun owners. Just as drivers need to have insurance to drive a car, gun owners would be mandated to have liability insurance for every weapon that they purchase.

http://www.propertycasualty360.com/2013/01/21/mass-bill-seeks-liability-insurance-for-gun-owners?t=es-specialty&utm_source=PC360DailyeNews&utm_medium=eNL&utm_campaign=PC360_eNLs

What If? Wednesday

Thought for the Day: I have decided to organize my posts in  a different way. I have  chosen themes for Monday, Wednesday & Friday.  I started this week with a Milestone Mondays post. Mondays will be either Milestone Mondays relating to important events happening that week or Manic Mondays with tips to help start the week off with less stress. Above is the first What If? Wednesday post. Click on it to view the video.

On What if? Wednesdays, I will raise questions using video & photos to raise important questions. On Wednesdays, I hope you will pose your own questions & responses to my posts. You can comment here or e-mail me (DrBarbaraLavi@aol.com) photo or video responses. Once a month, I will choose the best comments, photo or video & post it here & on my facebook page. The winner each month will receive a free copy of my book, The Wake Up and Dream Challenge, as a thank you.

I started #FF Friday's Fabulous Finds last Friday. Each week, I will highlight interesting articles that I discover over the week. 

      I hope you like this new format & look forward to your feedback& What If? Wednesday entries!

Milestone Mondays: Would Martin Luther King, Jr. Use Social Media? & What Advice Would He Give to Barack Obama?

Thought for the day:  I was going to start a new series today, Manic Mondays, Tips To Reduce Stress as you start a new week. However, given the double milestone events today, I decided to start something slightly different. When there is a milestone event happening, I will post a Milestone Monday post. Today's Milestome Mondays' post is Would Martin Luther King, Jr. Use Social Media? & What Advice Would He Give to Barack Obama? Next week I will start the Manic Mondays series.
          After completing this post, I saw this post on Maya Angelou's Facebook page: "On this day of celebrations, I believe Martin Luther King Jr. would have said to President Barack Obama, "Continue. Be loving and be strong. Be fierce and be kind. And don't give in and don't give up.'" I decided to add her comment today.

          Today is a double milestone. As we celebrate the birth of Martin Luther King, Jr. we also celebrate the inauguration of President Barack Obama to a second term. Last year, I paid tribute to MLK's "I Have a Dream," speech. His dream has inspired myriads of dreams for people of all races, religions, & cultures. I took a look at the famous speech again. He spoke to all humanity when he said,
              "When we let freedom ring, when we let it ring from every village & every hamlet, from    every state & every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men & white men, Jews & Gentiles, Protestants & Catholics, will be able to join hands & sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free at last! free at last! Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"
       Much has changed in our country & in the world since that memorable speech.  The civil rights movement in the 60's had a strong influence on me. Growing up in Texas, I remember volunteering with a predecessor of Head Start in a black neighborhood. I taught kids ballet & tutored them in the three R's. My father was a lawyer & an activist who represented clients from all races & religions. I believe Pete Seager visited our home, although I was too young to remember the visit. When I rode on a bus from Texas to New York not long after desegregation, I was surprised to see that even though the signs were taken down, people were still segregated in the bus depots.
       Until four years ago, it was just a dream that an African-American would become president of the United States. Regardless of your political viewpoint, this was a victory for the American dream & for democracy. There are still battles to be fought to reach the "freedom for all" that MLK spoke of, but we are moving in the right direction & the doors he helped open have led to many other opportunities for people from all minorities. The importance of educational equality is paramount to enhancing creativity which will lead to finding new solutions for the problems that confront all human beings in our complex modern world.
         This year after four years of president Obama's administration, the political gridlock threatens to stymy the dreams of our elected official & those of the majority that elected him. Even as a nation is reeling from a financial crisis, a devastating hurricane & the tragedies of the madness of warfare in our schools & public places, there are people opposing the leadership we desperately need in Washington. On Friday, I recommended an article entitled "Would Ghandi Use Social Media?" Today On this Milestone Monday, I ask would Martin Luther King, Jr. use social media? He was a powerful orator who could stir people into action. I believe that he would have used whatever means he could to empower people to make change happen. Barack Obama has used social media to help activate voters to show up at the polls. He uses twitter & I hope his program to build support for better gun control will activate those who want to change the gun control laws as well.
           MLK's strength came from his strong religious beliefs. He urged us to see the discrimination in our society & do something to change it. Today an article by Janell Ross, MLK Support For Economic Justice Overshadowed By 'I Have A Dream' Speech, discusses his fight against poverty. The levels of poverty have risen above those that MLK, Jr. was protesting just before he was assassinated. Hopefully, our President will find ways to open the minds of those who oppose him to end the gridlock & start overcoming the major issues that threaten our nation. The trick in the use of social media, however, is not just to raise awareness, but to get people activated & involved in the difficult conversations with open minds that will lead to creative nonpartisan problem solving. It is too easy to just read articles using social media & click to the next article, game or facebook page. If you are impacted by something on social media sites, don't just like it. Share it with your friends. Post it, g+ it, tweet it. Your action will help make things go viral. You can sign a petition online in just a few seconds. You can also take conventional action & go to a public meeting to discuss it or attend a march. If you want change, you must take action.
             Are you ready to join the conversations & take action online & elsewhere? Make this a Milestone Monday & take action to let your senators & congressmen know that you want an end to the gridlock in Washington.

Fiscal Cliff Versus Mental Health Educational Cliff

Thought for the day: As the country struggles with the tragedy in Newtown CT the debate about the fiscal cliff has been pushed to the background. One can only hope that the events will keep the physical & emotional health & well-being of our children in the foreground. Hopefully we will all take a long hard look at how well we are doing in caring for the mentally ill in our society. Are we teaching our children to treat one another with respect & without prejudice? Are we jeopardizing the safety of our children while protecting adults' rights to bear arms? Were our forefathers expecting people to carry semi-automatic guns?

We cannot bring back the innocent lives lost, but we can take action to try to prevent similar attacks from occurring. On Sunday I saw a play called Falling in NYC. It is a powerful depiction of the complex issues a family is forced to deal with while raising an 18 year old son who is on the spectrum of autism. Although each child suffering from severe autism to mild asperger's syndrom is different, they raise serious questions which were even more striking in light of the Newtown tragedy. What happens to children when they "age out" of the system & families cannot find appropriate supervised living situations? The facts surrounding the shooter's history & his diagnosis are not clear yet, however, this is not the first time that someone who was potentially dangerous slipped through the cracks & caused senseless loss of life. Today, a Huffington Post article raised the question: Did Fear Of Being Committed Lead To Sandy Hook Elementary Shooting?  If you are near NYC, I urge you to see the play, Falling, before it closes at the end of this month to understand the struggles of raising a disturbed adult in a society that does not have enough adequate resources to help them.

Schools across the country are also struggling with budgetary cuts & focusing on academic achievement while neglecting social & emotional health issues. Our children are dealing with bullying & prejudice (I have written extensively in previous posts about bullying in our schools.) which can lead to disgruntled angry responses among children who become loners & outcasts among their peers. All too often school systems ignore or deny the existence of bullying or they have one time programs to remedy the problems. Short term interventions following the suicide of a bullied student or death of a student due to drunken driving, is not enough to combat the problems facing our children. Parents need to advocate for ongoing comprehensive programs that work with both the bullies and the children who have been the targets of bullies. 

Merchants, film makers & television producers must also strive to use restraint & self-censorship when it comes to the marketing of violent video games, movies & TV shows. Do our children need to be encouraged to shoot realistic targets with high powered video rifles? Psychological research documents the negative effects of such games & movies on normal children.  Aimee Tompkins summarized The Psychological Effects of Violent  Media on Children  ironically, on December 14, 2003 & found that: "The American Psychological Association says there are three major effects of watching violence in the media (i.e.: video games/television) children may become less sensitive to the pain and suffering of others, children may be more fearful of the world around them, and children may be more likely to behave in aggressive or hurtful ways toward others." The impact on the mentally ill child or adult is simply multiplied. As parents & responsible citizens, let the game manufacturers & media know that you want them to curtail & discontinue such games & reduce the amount of explicit violence in the media.

The Huffington Post report this morning that Walmart Guns Out Of Stock Following Newtown Massacre is extremely disturbing. How many more homes will now have weapons within reach of children & potentially violent disturbed individuals? We must make sure that our representatives in Washington take this alarming trend to stockpile weapons in their deliberations. Yesterday, a client told me that at gun ranges there are lockers to store arms. Perhaps that is a way to keep them away from the hands of those who could use them to do harm. 

It seems like years ago, but on November 2nd I wrote a Post called: Whether the Glass is 1/2 Empty or Half Full, Make the Most With What You Have Left. Today, I am writing about what to do when the glass is shattered. The glass was shattered last Friday & we are all struggling to glue the pieces back together & find our way back to sanity to regain trust in our society's ability to protect our rights for life, liberty & the pursuit of happiness.  

These are not easy problems to resolve. They are complex & the solutions will not be quick or easy; however we must make sure they are addressed & that the discussions continue when the media stops reporting about the tragedy. Although our hearts are heavy this holiday season, I encourage you to continue to dream of & work for "Peace on earth, good will toward men." Regardless of your religious affiliation, we all need & can be inspired by the words & music which have additional significance this year. I will never think of the song Rock of Ages in the same way as when I heard the words this year that say: "And your strength broke their swords, when our own strength failed us." Although we may feel that alone our strength may fail us, together, we must find strength to believe in miracles & take action to make them happen. By voicing our concerns & searching for creative solutions to the challenges we face, out of this tragedy, may we find the strength to build a better safer world.

Please share your comments, thoughts & ideas of ways to work together to solve these challenges.

Newtown: What Can Parents Do When They Are At A Loss For Words??

Thought for the Day: As the cold hard facts of the tragedy in Newtown CT are revealed on the news, the pictures are heartbreaking.  We all struggle to make sense of a senseless crime against defenseless children & teachers. There are more questions than answers swirling in everyone's heads. Some of the questions may never be answered. In this day & age with television's instantaneous reports, when trauma strikes we are all traumatized. Parents watch horrified & do not know what to say to their children. Today I will share some thoughts & coping skills, but I will also raise tough questions & would like to hear your thoughts as well. (It is a longer post, but bear with me & make sure you read the questions at the end.)

I became a reluctant expert on helping children & families deal with trauma when I was a young psychology student working on my Master's thesis in Israel when the Yom Kippur War broke out. I was also a young parent of two whose husband was in the reserves for close to a year. Hundreds of school children lost their fathers in reserve units like my husband's in the Sinai. My professor, Dr. Esther Halpern, was also my adviser on my Master's Thesis. She encouraged me to focus my thesis on ways to help children cope with war, father absence & the death of a parent during war.

I remember my concern about doing research on the subject. How could I ask children who had recently lost their fathers about how they felt about their father's death & then disappear from their lives?  She told me that as a psychologist & I would need to talk to children & adults about all kinds of difficult issues in their lives & that if a child needed additional help we would let the teachers know. She also asked if I had ever spoken to a teacher or even a stranger who had touched my life & helped me even though we only spoke once. I will never forget how grateful & surprised those children were that I asked them about their fathers. They told me that most people avoided talking to them about their fathers at all. I believe the interviews helped those children cope with their loss.

It is far more pleasant to work with people on reaching for their dreams, however, there is a time & a place for everything. Although I am a pacifist, the lessons I learned about disasters & war, have been used each time tragedy rears it's head. When it occurs,  I know I can help people through the worst of times. I am a strong believer in finding words & other ways to help people cope with loss & tragedy. I may be the only psychologist in the USA who asks every new client how they were impacted by 9/11 & the wars that have followed, but I know that the impact of trauma can be felt many years later.

Elementary School & Gunman are words we don't expect to see in the same sentence

No matter how many times I have helped people in the midst of a tragedy, I too am at first blindsided by feelings of terror, anger, sorrow, shock & disbelief. Although words fail us as adults, we must find the strength to help one another & our children through the tragedy.  When words fail us, being there, holding one another, saying that we do not know what to say is important, both for the mourners & for their supporters. We must find ways to express our feelings, since we cannot cope with our feelings if we do not know what they are.

On Friday, I was called by Cigna EAP & asked to help  employees working at a corporation in Stamford who live in Newtown. I rescheduled my clients & will be there Monday & Tuesday. Late last night a journalist, LA Bachelor , who lives in North Carolina, but was raised in Connecticut, called & asked me to come on his radio show to address what parents can do to help their children following this tragedy. We spoke at length & I look forward to helping his listeners on Monday 6-8 PM. Just two weeks ago I was speaking on another radio show helping parents struggling with the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy. Given my experience, stepping up to the plate & speaking or volunteering to help using my expertise, is one of my coping mechanisms. You too can find ways to help that will help the survivors & help you at the same time. (I will post the information about the radio show, where you can call in questions as well.) (Post a comment & your e-mail if you would like to be informed about the show.)

Those of you who have been reading my posts know that volunteerism & activism is something that I encourage & support. It is too soon for solutions, but it is important to ask the tough questions & that we all advocate to make changes that will help prevent tragedies like Newtown from happening. Let your children know that you will be searching for answers, asking the questions of your leaders, & fighting for programs that will help.

I saw the movie Lincoln last night & was struck by the parallels between President Lincoln's challenges facing the tragedy of the Civil War & President Obama fighting tears as he consoled our nation following the tragedy in Newtown. We as citizens, parents & grandparents need to advocate for our leaders to help lead our country to find ways to prevent the senseless attacks on innocent people in schools, churches, & movie theaters.

We are all hearing about the fiscal crisis. Are we ignoring the mental health & emotional crisis that is plaguing our society? Are we placing too much emphasis on grades & academic achievement & ignoring the emotional well being of our children? Are we expecting knee jerk responses & band-aid solutions to work following tragedies when long term ongoing comprehensive programs are what's needed? The shooter in Newtown was around 10 years old when 9/11 occurred. In the news they are now saying that he had Asperger's syndrome or a personality disorder. How do trauma like 9/11 & the constant barrage of movies, video games & news coverage of violence impact on all children but in particular on those with emotional issues? As parents, you can demand more comprehensive crisis prevention programs to address all kinds of issues from bullying to learning differences, to prejudice & intolerance of differences. You can encourage the gun control debate about your children's rights for life, liberty & the pursuit of happiness versus the right of citizens' to bear arms including semi-automatic weapons.

Please feel free to comment & share your thoughts.

Bullying Part VI: Can Stricter Gun Control Laws Prevent Tragedies Like Aurora?

AP Hearbreak in Aurora

Thought for the Day: I am saddened by the madness & escalation of violence in our country. My initial thought that the violence might be in the hands of another victim of bullying, may be wrong, but The Aurora Massacre raises serious questions for our society. There are no simple solutions, but the use of common sense in developing better gun control laws & ways to detect signs that someone may be planning a violent act need to be explored.

When my eldest daughter was about six years old, I was living in Israel. There was a terrorist attack at the Lod Airport not far from my home. When my daughter heard about the attack her reaction was, "If they get guns and attack me & my family, I'll just get a gun & kill their families." As a pacifist & parent living in a war torn nation, I was horrified to hear my innocent child's response to the terrorism. I told her that the army was there & had responded to defend it's citizens, but that we do not go out & commit terrorist attacks against defenseless women, children, and tourists as retribution. Fortunately, my daughter grew up to be a sensible law abiding citizen & parent with views closer to my own. The terror in Aurora brought back memories of that day.

How can anyone advocate for allowing people like Holmes the freedom to accumulate an arsenal of weapons without raising any red flags? When our forefathers advocated for weapons for self defense, they also gave us all inalienable rights to "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness." Someone must fight for the rights of the victims who went to a movie & were denied their right to live. I am not a politician, just a psychologist  believing that tragedies like the Aurora massacre, Columbine & other similar attacks could be prevented with restrictions of automatic weapons & supplies that are used to develop explosive devices.

Sarah Palin, former Alaska Governor & vice presidential candidate's sounded more like my six year old daughter with an over simplistic approach when she said, “The bad guys, the criminals, don’t follow laws and restricting more of America’s freedoms when it comes to self-defense isn’t the answer. Not when you consider what the reality is. Bad guys don’t follow laws.” She described the shootings as "a manifestation of evil. It appears that Holmes, the alleged shooter, was not only evil but also mentally ill. He is not the first person with serious mental illness to go on a rampage with automatic weapons. I am not expecting a gun dealer or the internet gun suppliers to be psychologists, but the laws & automatic internet devices could raise red flags when anyone tries to purchase automatic weapons or large supplies of ammunition designed for combat, not simple self defense. Does the fact that criminals don't follow laws mean we should make it easy for them to obtain weapons?

Wisconsin Senator Ron Johnson's statement was also overly simplistic when he said that, "...it's certainly one of the rationales behind conceal and carry, where criminals actually have to be a little concerned before they commit a criminal act that maybe somebody could stop them. And I think that is the truth. That somebody, a responsible individual had been carrying a weapon, maybe -- maybe -- they could have prevented the death and injuries." A concealed pistol in the hands of a novice shooter could not have stopped the onslaught of automatic weapons. Criminals know there may be someone with a gun & therefore they have escalated their choice of weapons to more powerful automatic & semi-automatic weapons that most people do not take with them to a movie theater.

We should not ignore the problem like Colorado Gov. John Hickenlooper who weighed in against stricter gun control, telling ABC that Holmes would have been able to create terror even without access to firearms.  James Holmes had over 30 grenades in his apartment. How can anyone in the United States buy grenades without someone wondering why they would need them?

I agree with New York mayor Michael Bloomberg who questions both Obama & Romney's failure to advocate for stricter gun control, “This really is an enormous problem for the country, and it's up to these two presidential candidates. They want to lead this country, and they've said things before that they're in favor of banning things like assault weapons. Where are they now and why don't they stand up? And if they want our votes, they better."

After I posted this, I saw that President Obama did speak out for changes. Although he supports the right to carry guns for hunting & self defense, he "also believe(s) that a lot of gun owners would agree that AK-47s belong in the hands of soldiers, not in the hands of criminals. That they belong on the battlefield of war, not on the streets of our cities. I believe the majority of gun owners would agree we should do everything possible to prevent criminals and fugitives from purchasing weapons, and we should check someone's criminal record before they can check out a gun seller."

In addition, he called for new restrictions that would bar mentally unstable people from purchasing weapons. He stated that, "These steps shouldn't be controversial, they should be common sense." These changes should be supported across party lines.


We all need to take a stand & confront the these complex questions. Where do you stand on this issue? I would like to know your thoughts.



 

Milestone Monday: Would MLK, Jr. Use Social Media & What Advice Would He Give to Barak Obama?

Thought for the day: "One good deed leads to another." Unknown
"One good dream leads to another." DrB

Today as we celebrate the birth of Martin Luther King, Jr., I want to pay tribute to his "I Have a Dream," speech. His dream has inspired myriads of dreams for people of all races, religions, & cultures. I took a look at the famous speech again. He spoke to all humanity when he said,
              "When we let freedom ring, when we let it ring from every village & every hamlet, from    every state & every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men & white men, Jews & Gentiles, Protestants & Catholics, will be able to join hands & sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free at last! free at last! Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"
       Much has changed in our country & in the world since that memorable speech.  The civil rights movement in the 60's had a strong influence on me. Growing up in Texas, I remember volunteering with a predecessor of Head Start in a black neighborhood. I taught kids ballet & tutored them in the three R's. My father was a lawyer & an activist who represented clients from all races & religions. I believe Pete Seager visited our home, although I was too young to remember the visit. When I rode on a bus from Texas to New York not long after desegregation, I was surprised to see that even though the signs were taken down, people were still segregated in the bus depots.
       Until four years ago, it was just a dream that an African-American would become president of the United States. Regardless of your political viewpoint, this is a victory for the American dream & for democracy. There are still battles to be fought to reach the "freedom for all" that MLK spoke of, but we are moving in the right direction & the doors he helped open have led to many other opportunities for people from all minorities. The importance of educational equality is paramount to enhancing creativity which will lead to finding new solutions for the problems that confront all human beings in our complex modern world.
       D.R.E.A.M. Inc., a non-profit organization based in NJ, is continuing the work towards Dr. King's dreams. Their name stands for Dispelling Realities & Empowering African-American Minds by teaching financial literacy. The founder of D.R.E.A.M., Inc., Orane Williams benefited from the doors opened to African-Americans at educational institutions. He was able to obtain a degree in Business Administration. However, even after completing his degree, he discovered he had never been taught financial literacy. He realized there was a void when it came to ‘financial literacy & understanding’ within the African-American community. He has dedicated his life to help fill that void. He founded D.R.E.A.M, Inc. & runs workshops around the country teaching financial literacy, college preparatory information, & post-college life information for urban youth from 13-25 years old.
       Orane & D.R.E.A.M., Inc. are included in & will benefit from my book. One good dream leads to another & another. How has Martin Luther King's Dream helped you in accomplishing your dreams?