Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Psychology, But Were Afraid To Ask

Thought for the Day: I hope the title of this blog post caught your attention and that you will help me out. I have been very busy for the last few months. It has led to less frequent posting on this blog. I have been trying to come up with ways to make the blog more interactive. In just 3 years, there have been over 150,000 page views. I know you are reading and commenting, but I want it to be even more helpful to my readers.

Instead of posting an article, I'd like to ask you to share your questions. What do you want to learn about psychology? What problems are you struggling with in your lives?  What would you like to know about mental health, mental illness, depression? Are there ways I could help you understand or cope with relationship issues or family conflicts? Parenting questions, work issues are just some of the possible areas you can ask about. I would like you to take advantage of my experience as a clinical psychologist to help you at this time in your life.

Consider this your opportunity to have a free private consultation. Ask whatever you have been afraid to ask in the past. You can post your questions here (using your g+ name) on the blog or e-mail me if you want your identity to be totally anonymous. My e-mail is DrBarbaraLavi@aol.com.

All inquiries will be replied to on the blog. Depending on the number of questions I receive, I will try to respond in a timely fashion with 1 to 3 questions answered a week.

Tuesday's Psychology Tips: On Fairy Tales, Love, Sweat and Tears

Thought for the Day: Somehow Monday slipped away from me. I was unable to get to the blog to post. Here is a Tip from my HealthTap postings which came to me after working with a couple over the last few weeks in marriage therapy. They have two very different views of love. He is a romantic and expects love to be "blissful." She believes that love is sticking with someone through thick and thin. In her mind there is no such thing as "blissful" love. When she talks about how hard love can be, he feels disappointed.
Part of helping them in therapy is the process of learning to find common ground so that they can understand each other's views.

Saturday's Songs for the Soul: The Bee Gees Barry Gibb: Saying Words "About the Sorrow"

Thought for the Day: Last week on CBS Sunday Morning I saw an interview of Barry Gibb, the last surviving member of the Bee Gees. As I watched I decided to share the video clip with you and chose one of the Bee Gee's hit songs as Saturday's Song for the Soul. We rarely get to see how famous people deal with their grief. Musicians, however, often take solace in their music and share the pain in words and lyrics. Music and performing at times becomes their therapy. In the video clip, Barry talks about the pain of dealing with the deaths of his brother Maurice in 2003 and Robin in 2012, His younger brother, Andy, died in 1988 after battling with depression and drug addiction. Till now, he had never performed without his brothers. His wife and their son were concerned that Barry was suffering from depression and encouraged him to start performing again. On the current tour he is accompanied by his son, Stephen, his niece, Samantha (Maurice's daughter), and photos of his brothers projected on the wall behind them. It is not easy, but performing again is a therapeutic journey for the rock legend. The 1996 recording of the song I picked for today has an eerie prophetic message in light of Barry's struggle with the loss of all his younger siblings. Clearly, "No one said a word about the sorrow."

Read on to hear the song and watch the video from last week's segment on CBS Sunday Morning.

Miraculous Therapy Mondays: Sorry May Be the Hardest Word In Any Language

Here's a repost from a year ago that is still appropriate. Do you know how to apologize? 
Thought for the Day: I have not shared a Miraculous Therapy Mondays post for a while. These are posts which reflect on marriage therapy and times that it has helped heal couples who's relationship was on the brink of divorce. Today, I am thinking about a session which happened recently. I'm not sure yet whether any miracles happened or whether the marriage is beyond salvaging; however, the session led to thoughts on how and why apologies work or fall flat. Sorry may be the hardest word to say in any language. Recently, in a post called Sex, Lies, Love and Psychology, I wrote about the importance of teaching the 4th 'R,' Relationships, in schools from kindergarten through 12the grade. Given what I often see in couples' therapy, many people have failed to learn the art of apologizing.

Without revealing anything confidential, the couple I was working with has been married for 15 years and have 4 wonderful children. They have been challenged by the wife, let's call her Arlene's physical (fibromyalgia) and emotional (depression and addictions) challenges. Each time she slips, uses drugs and behaves inappropriately, it is followed by remorse and apologies. Unfortunately, as the behaviors keep reoccurring the apologies hold less and less credibility. Here's why...

Monday's Miraculous Therapy Moments: Can Hide & Seek Rebuild Positive Relationships Between Parents & Children in Therapy?

Thought for the Day: Exactly a year ago, I wrote a Motivational Monday post called: Motivational Mondays: How To Parent When A Child Makes You Feel Incompetent.  In it I relayed the story of how I helped a mother overcome her feelings of helplessness and incompetence with her daughter, Daniella. I had shared the story with clients of mine to help them with similar frustrations with their child. About a week later, I shared an update about that story's impact on my current client's family. At the end of that week's session, the father asked to meet with me individually. He told me that he had been losing his temper with his daughter & with his wife. He knew it was inappropriate & making things worse at home. He wanted to learn how to control his behavior. Much has transpired since last year and I'd like to share how family therapy and a therapeutic version of "Hide and Seek" is helping not only to rebuild a more positive relationship between a child and her parents, but also to enhance the child's self esteem.

Wednesday's Words of Wisdom: Beyond Acceptance: The Secret of Resilience

Thought for the Day: This week my thoughts have been focused on loss and resilience. When I am called to help out following a critical incident, the death or traumatic event triggers memories of other losses in all those touched by the event. When I speak with the human resource representatives and the staff at the company, I tell them to expect the incident to trigger memories of prior losses in all their staff, regardless of how close they were to the co-worker who has dies or been injured. Any unfinished grieving will enter their employees minds, making it hard to stay focused at work. I encourage people to come in and speak with me whether they think their issues are related to the event or not.

Often someone will come in to speak with me who is dealing with what is called complicated grief. Complicated grief happens when someone lost a love one over a year and a half prior to the current event, who is still deep in the throes of mourning. Usually, within a year or so after a loss, people have worked through the universal stages of grief, namely, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance proposed by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. Surely, they are still sad that their loved one is no longer living, but they have moved on and have accepted the loss. With complicated grief, they feel depressed, may be crying sometimes for no reason or feeling that life is not worth living, even though there are many things they feel they should be happy about in their lives. They simply are unable to enjoy their lives. They seem to become stuck processing and reliving the pain and stuck in a grieving state.

As I reflected on this phenomenon, it led to the quote I am sharing today. I believe I may have discovered another stage of recovery from grief.

Saturday's Songs for the Soul: Frank Sinatra's All the Way, Love & Addiction

Thought for the Day: Today's song is a love song with a positive message and a sad lilting melody that became a huge hit for Frank Sinatra and many other artists. As Valentine's Day approaches, I decided to share a love song. I intended to share a simple upbeat song. Little did I know that "All the Way" which has been a favorite of mine since I was a young child would take me on a very different path. As I researched the song, I realized it was more than a love song & has a powerful connection to the problem of addiction which, as a psychologist has been on my mind due to Phillip Seymour Hoffman's death.
      I attributed my love of the song to seeing Sinatra in a movie when I was in just in elementary school. I did not remember much about the movie, only that I saw it one of my Sunday visits with my father & brothers after my parent's divorce. Around the same time, we went on vacation with my father to the Grand Canyon and Yellowstone National Park. When we traveled with my father we ate only at Diner's Club network restaurants (one of the first credit card businesses), which were usually fairly fancy steak restaurants. When we stopped to eat in Las Vegas, my father spotted & pointed out that Frank Sinatra, whom we has seen in the movie, was drinking at the bar. I think my father went up to him & told him we enjoyed the movie. The song & that encounter led to a crush on Sinatra for many years.
     Today, for the 1st time, I researched the movie, "The Joker is Wild." The song, "All the Way" by Jimmy Van Heusen and Sammy Cahn, won the 1957 Academy Award for Best Original Song. Given serious adult content, I was somewhat surprised that I was taken to see the movie, but my father was not a very good judge of appropriate movies for young children. Sinatra's character, Joe E. Lewis, a singer, stand-up comic & alcoholic had serious trouble with the mob & his love relationships. In hindsight, I think the song struck a chord for me (although I did not understand the full meaning otf the song or the movie), since my parents were unable to sustain an "All the Way" kind of love. The song somehow made me feel hope that even if it is difficult, lasting love could be found.
     The tragic death of actor, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, which I wrote about earlier in the week, What Preventable Plague Is Causing 1 in 4 Deaths?, alongside the movie from the 50's, raise some serious questions. The details of Hoffman's estranged relationship with his girlfriend and the photos of his grieving children, make me wonder why is our society not helping those suffering from the illness of drug and alcohol addiction better than when I was a child? When will we learn how to hate the addiction, love the person & help them get the quality care they desperately need? Can we love "all the way?' I'd love to hear your thoughts and comments on this important subject.

Here are 3 interesting videos: one of the song performed by Frank Sinatra, an trailer from the movie, and scenes from the end of the movie.

                         

Miraculous Mondays: Can Our Marriage Be Repaired After An Affair?

Thought for the Day: Even after years of working in the field, it is still hard to watch couples struggling with the impact of an affair on their marriages. The sense of betrayal, loss of trust, hurt and anger are unavoidable emotions for the person whose spouse has cheated. The guilt, remorse and self-deprecation of the transgressor also go with the territory. When they come in for therapy, after an affair they are often unsure whether their marriage can be repaired or whether they want to fix it. After I hear what has transpired and get a history of their relationship, here's what I tell them before starting in couples therapy, based on what I have learned from working with couples who have been in their shoes.

First of all, I do not know whether they will be able to repair their marriage. The goal of therapy is to help them discover whether their issues can be resolved or whether they will choose to part ways. If they have children, I always recommend taking the time to try to fix their marriage. If they cannot they will be better prepared to speak with their children about why they are splitting up and honestly say that they tried to fix things before giving up on the marriage. It may take a few months of therapy to know whether the marriage can be salvaged. I ask them to work for 3 to 6 months in therapy before they make any decision. Usually, the problems that lead to the affair have been brewing for years. It will take longer than a few months to resolve them, but, in a few months, they will know whether it is moving in the direction of reconciling their differences or not.

Although I try to give them my assessment of whether I think they will be able to work things out, I also tell them that I can never be sure. I have seen couples who seem to be compatible who are unable to save their marriages. On the other hand, I have seen couples who could barely sit in the same room, that I would have bet my license that they would not stay together, who are still married. In the worst case scenario I have ever seen, not only had there been an affair, but it had been with a minor teenage relative and a child has been sired. The husband was willing to end the affair with the now adult relative, but wanted to have a relationship with the love child. I have also seen clients whose spouse would not come for therapy, that I assumed would part, but been thanked by the nonparticipating spouse for saving their marriage.

I don't have a crystal ball, but from my years of working with couples, it appears that four things seem to be the best indicators of whether a couple can overcome the impact of an affair on a marriage.

First of all, both parties truly still love their spouse, are willing to break off the affair entirely and work on their marriage. The hurt party may question their sanity and feel angry, but still have some loving feelings for their spouse. If either of them feels that they never really loved their spouse, but got married for the wrong reasons, they may not be able to avoid divorce court. The spouse who had the affair may have mixed feelings and be confused about their feelings for the person they had the affair with, but their desire to fix the marriage is stronger than the pull of the affair. They must, ultimately, recognize that an affair is not a "real love" relationship, but a fantasy "catch as catch can" clandestine relationship often based on lust rather than real love. Although it may have felt more exciting or loving, it was not exposed to the real life challenges of children, finances, and normal family life. Often affairs start to become a burden when real life issues start to creep into the relationship, like demands for more time.

The second necessary ingredient appears to be the ability to forgive. This ability appears to be most common in couples who have strong religious backgrounds,. However, they do not have to be religious to have this personality trait. If you tend to hold grudges, you may not be able to forgive your partner's transgression.

The third, and most important variable, is the ability to share responsibility for the affair. This may seem counterintuitive. The person who has been cheated on needs to accept that they could have had an affair, too, if the problems between them had continued to fester. This is the hardest fact for the hurt partner to accept. They often say that they would never have erred, but in reality, when a marriage is not working anyone, even very religious people, can and do have affairs.

Finally, if the spouse who had the affair is not willing to be totally transparent and on probation for as long as it takes to rebuild trust, it will not work. This is always difficult since the hurt party usually needs much longer to heal than the transgressor would like.

There are many more variables that play a part in marital therapy, but these are some of the prerequisites for starting to repair a marriage after an affair.

Part II:Reader's Choice Top 5 Special Editions 2013:Holidays, Triumphs Over Tragedies, & Resilience

Thought for the Day: Last week I shared 5 of the Top 10 Special Editions 2013: Celebrating Holidays, Triumphs Over Tragedies, & Resilience. Today I am sharing the Top 5 (actually 6 since there was a tie for 5th place) in special editions. It really gives an overview of the past year. I was thrilled to have encouraged one of my interns to write a post about her experiences on Dec 14th, 2012. I write 99% of my posts, but some of my interns wanted the opportunity to write on my blog. Claire Freeman a psychology student who was my Human Resources intern last summer wrote the post which had the most page views in this category.

Tied For #5: Special Edition: Wake Up Washington: Part II Putting Congress On The Couch 10/10/2013

Tied for #5: What If Wednesdays: What If An Hour Could Change Your Life? 2/13/2013

#4 Thanksgiving Thursday: How A Mechanic Made My Day 11/28/2013

#3 Memorial Monday: How Driving A Truck Helped A Bereaved Father Cope 5/27/2013

#2 Monumental Mondays: Honor A Veteran & Help Wounded Warriors Reach Higher Ground 11/11/2013

#1 Throwback Thursday: Sandy Hook Revisited: Where Were You Last December 14? 6/20/2013

Motivational Miraculous Mondays: Part I: 2013 Top 10 Posts

Thought for the Day: This morning I awakened to the sound of a downpour of rain. Normally, the sound of rain is not the most welcome event for me; however, today I was looking forward to the rain. When I looked outside, the rain had washed away most of the ice and snow that has blanketed my yard & car for several days as New England & 2/3s of the country has battled bitter cold temperatures. It is interesting how your perspective changes due to life circumstances. Today's post is a continuation of January's celebration of a New Year and my second year of blogging. This is part I of a 2 part post of the Top 10 Miraculous Motivational Mondays blog posts of 2013. I have chosen the posts using the number of page views each of these posts had.

Miraculous Mondays: Part II: Can Writing a Letter Save a Marriage?

Thought for the Day: The holiday season is a hard time for couples struggling with marital difficulties. Often, even when they are past the point of no return, they delay telling the kids or making it a reality till after the holidays. Last week, I introduced you to Shelly and Tom, who were at an impasse in marriage counseling. I gave them an assignment, to write a letter to their spouse. They were to imagine that were writing to each other one year after they got divorced. They were not to discuss their letters till their next therapy session. Here's what happened. When I met with them the next week, I asked who would like to go first. Shelly deferred to Tom. 

Tom preempted his letter by saying, "I had a very hard time writing this. I put it off till yesterday because I did not know what to say." His voice wavered as he read it and fought back tears. He said he still could not believe that they were unable to work things out. "It kills me to see how angry, Tom Jr is and that his grades are falling." Molly, their 8 year old cries when she has to say goodbye after visits. Five year old, Scott, has started hitting kids in kindergarten and has nightmares. Tom wrote that he hardest thing for him is, "I miss you so much. You were not only my wife, but my best friend." He went on to tell Shelly he is not ready to date anyone, but wonders if she is. He closed the letter by saying that, "Not a day goes by when I wish I could turn back the clock and take back the actions which lead to the divorce."

As he read his letter, I watched Shelly's reaction. She was also close to tears. When Tom finished reading his letter, there was an awkward silence. Shelly took a piece of paper from her pocket and opened it slowly. She began to cry as she said, "My letter is blank. I tried to write it several times, but simply could not write a word. I don't want to face what will happen if we get divorced." She then told Tom that hearing his letter made her even more sure that she wants to find a way to work things out. She admitted that she still is having trouble accepting his infidelity and doesn't know when she will be able to trust him again, but she wants to try to make it work.

This was a turning point, I had witnessed another miraculous moment. It does not always turn out this way. Often, it does since it forces people to confront what they will be giving up and what the future may hold if they cannot reconcile their differences. 

Monumental Mondays: Honor A Veteran & Help Wounded Warriors Reach Higher Ground

Thought for the Day: Today is Veteran's Day. A day when we honor our veterans & thank them for what they have done for our nation. However, they need our help all year. Our veterans returning from Iraq's injuries are often less visible. We rallied to support our troupes while they were at war, but the war to fight for rehabilitation will continue for many years. Programs like Higher Ground are ready but need our support to do their good work. This year, you can honor our veterans, by buying a copy of The Wake Up and Dream Challenge. All this week there will be a special sale in honor of our veterans of the Amazon Kindle version of the book. Half of the profits will go to Higher Ground's programs which help using creative recreational rehab programs & 3 year follow up in their communities. You do not need to own a kindle to download the book. Use Kindle's free cloud reader & download the book to your computer, i-pad or smartphone. You can send a copy as a gift to a veteran or anyone who might benefit from the book. 
(Kindle Cloud Reader
Read Kindle books instantly in your web browser with Kindle Cloud Reader. 
All Kindle Reading Apps: Kindle Cloud Reader | PC | Mac | iPhone | iPad | BlackBerry | Android | Windows Phone 7)
To support Higher Ground's efforts to help veterans reach their dreams you can purchase The Wake Up And Dream Challenge Half the profits will go to Higher Ground supporting our recovering veterans.


To learn more about Higher Ground's program, I'd like to share a chapter from my book describing how they help wounded warriors reach their dreams as they recover from the trauma & physical injuries of war.
  

Julio and Maria

Two years after graduating high school, Julio lacked direction in his life. He felt trapped. He saw no opportunities on the horizon in his home of Puerto Rico. After much searching, Julio found a career with plenty of room for advancement—one which would bring financial stability for his family, & provide opportunities for higher education. At the age of twenty, Julio enlisted in the United States Army.

During his first years of active duty, Julio enjoyed the path he had chosen. He had a secure job with great benefits. He, along with his young family, enjoyed visiting parts of the world they might never have had the chance to see. Eventually Julio received orders; he was being deployed to Iraq. While nervous & hesitant to leave his wife & baby daughter, Julio felt honored to have the opportunity to serve his country.

While in Iraq, Julio was exposed to multiple improvised explosive devices (IEDs). Like most soldiers, he simply pulled himself up by his bootstraps & moved forward. He ignored the chronic headaches & grogginess he was feeling. Then, while mounted atop a Humvee in Fallujah, Julio’s unit was ambushed. Julio was shot through the right eye by a sniper. The gunshot & blast exposures resulted in multiple cranial fractures, & a detached retina in his left eye.

When he returned stateside, Julio awoke from a coma & discovered he had lost 90% of his vision, & suffered a severe traumatic brain injury (TBI). Julio also suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) reliving his battle experiences daily. He found himself on ‘edge’ in public & dependent on others for care. Julio felt distant from his wife, & unable to handle the anxiety brought on by his three young children.

With a three-year-old daughter, a new set of twin girls, & a severely disabled husband, Maria was overwhelmed by grief, exhausted by the task of being her husband’s caretaker & trying to run a household. Her challenges seemed insurmountable. She felt guilty leaving her husband’s side for even a moment, fearful that he might experience further harm. Julio was going through the medical board process. Although confident he would eventually receive his full pay & benefits, in the meantime, Julio received only a portion of his active duty pay.

While going through treatment at the VA hospital, Julio’s caseworker told him about the—Sun Valley Adaptive SportsProgram in Idaho—called Higher Ground (HG). Julio made contact with a Recreational Therapist on the HGteam, & quickly developed a new friendship. Julio felt excited for the first time since his injury. He applied to a couple’s snow sports camp because neither he nor Maria had ever seen snow. Here was a chance for adventure. It would be a place to once again feel a sense of camaraderie with other veterans. This was a way for his wife to find the support of other spouses. They both could receive the individual attention of a team of therapists to teach them coping strategies. 

When asked what motivated him to join HG Julio replied, “I was a lifelong surfer before my injury, now I’m not able to even get in the ocean by myself. I think about it constantly. Learning to snowboard will prove to me that I’m still capable; it will show my wife she doesn’t have to always be watching over me.” In response to the same question, Maria replied, “I just want to see my husband smile again.”

Julio’s first day on the mountain taught him that he had grossly underestimated his potential. To the amazement of his instructor, he was making full runs—snowboarding from the top to the bottom of the mountain. Maria’s joy came from seeing what her husband could do independently. The staff of HG gained her confidence. For the first time in years, she was able to leave Julio’s side without anxiety. “I left Julio to go out & do something fantastic…it was the first time in years I was able to let him go; to let him be who he was before his injuries.” Maria grew increasingly comfortable at camp leaving Julio on his own.

In group therapy sessions Maria learned how to cope with her husband’s hardships. She also gained new insight into Julio’s Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) & Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Most importantly, Maria learned that Julio was capable of being an independent man.

Before leaving, Julio thanked the HG staff, saying, “I’m going home with new confidence, but more importantly my wife has been able to be herself & not worry about me constantly.” As part of the HG program, the couple came up with a goal they wished to accomplish in the next year. Julio proudly stood in front of his new unit & announced that within one year he & his Maria would have a proper wedding in front of her family in the church she once attended in the Dominican Republic.

Julio decided it was time to be proactive in his recovery & applied to a blind rehabilitation center. Six months after joining the HG family, Julio called the staff. He was so excited that he could barely contain himself. “I just got back from seeing Maria & the kids. No one came to pick me up! I left the hospital, went to the train station, walked to the house, & surprised Maria at the door. I DID IT ALL BY MYSELF!” The HG staff was brought to tears when Julio said, “You have heard of the snowball effect? I believe that sometimes that snowball can defy gravity & gain momentum & mass as it rolls uphill. My snowball started on top of a mountain in Idaho, followed me home to Florida, through blind rehab, & will be with me when I stand next to my wife at the altar.”

This true story is only one of many that the team at Higher Ground proudly shares. HG is now recognized as a leader in their industry from theDepartment of Defense, The Joint Chiefs of Staff, The Department of Excellence, & a host of military & VA medical installations nationwide. In their holistic approach to rehabilitation, HG provides therapy & support to those caring for wounded veterans. HG offers: the longest follow up program in the industry; daily therapeutic themes that provide the tools necessary to find success in life; resources nationally & in their home community; referrals to programs meeting medical, educational, familial, & social needs; a reintegration budget to continue the momentum at home; &, access to these services 100% cost free to the veterans & their supporters. In addition, HGstaff conducts research with major universities assessing the efficacy of their techniques. They also present at conferences & seminars nationwide teaching others how to conduct effective therapeutic recreation programs.

It’s the dream of the HG staff to improve the quality of care provided to American heroes nationwide! 

To support their dream you can purchase The Wake Up And Dream Challenge Half the profits will go to Higher Ground supporting our recovering veterans. The kindle version is on sale from 11/11/13 - 11/18/13.

Throwback Thursday's Psychology Trivia : Read Your Way to Mental Health?

Thought for the Day: When I first posted this article I was waiting for my car to be towed, today I'm still chugging along with the help of my cell phone and computers at public libraries to keep up with all my social media and blogging. At least my car is working! Here's the answer to the trivia question. What books have helped you with your mental health. Tomorrow in my Fabulous Finds I'll add some books that I recommend to my clients. Have a great day!

Thought for the Day: As I sit in my car waiting for AAA to come help me, I realized that I could work on my post from my iPhone. I can also call AAA, call a friend, or do other work from this amazing device. Perhaps my trivia question should have been: "Can you phone your way to mental health?" I doubt there's been any research on it yet but I will check and let you know! Has your cell phone helped your mental health? I'd love to hear your stories!
     Tuesday's psychology trivia question was:

             True or False: You can read your way to mental health.

The answer is true.  Bibliotherapy, i.e., prescribing selected books to read about the presenting problem is a common practice among psychologists & psychotherapists. I often recommend selected reading as an adjunct to therapy. Intuitively, I know it helps. Surprisingly, there has not been much research on the effectiveness of this technique. However, in a small but significant percentage of cases, in the UK bibliotherapy reduced symptoms of prospective clients waiting to be seen for an initial psychotherapy evaluation. By the time of their scheduled 1st appointment, they no longer choose to seek additional treatment. This does not actually prove that reading a book can cure a psychological problem, however, it seems to help relieve some people's stress for the time being. More research is needed before people can assume that just reading a book will cure them. If you would like to read more about this study take a look at "Bibliotherapy: Reading Your Way to Mental Health"  from The Wall Street Journal (2007) by Kevin Heliker.

Stay tuned for an important announcement soon about how you will be able to download my book on Amazon for FREE for a limited time only. I know it can help you & your friends improve your mental health, too! You will not need to have a Kindle device to take advantage of this offer.

iPhone therapy helped me pass the time & I was able to prepare everything but the photo by the time AAA arrive! Thanks Apple for inventing this "therapeutic" device. 

Photo Credit:
http://photopin.com/phpflickr/getphoto.php?size=medium&id=7030777627&url=http%3A%2F%2Ffarm8.staticflickr.com%2F7227%2F7030777627_155099da09.jpg

Throwback Thursday's Psychology Trivia Answer: Can You Read Your Way To Mental Health?

Thought for the Day: when I first posted this article I was waiting for my car to be towed, today I'm still chugging along with the help of my cell phone and computers at public libraries to keep up with all my social media and blogging. At least my car is working! Here's the answer to the trivia question. What books have helped you with your mental health. Tomorrow in my Fabulous Finds I'll add some books that I recommend to my clients. Have a great day!

Thought for the Day: As I sit in my car waiting for AAA to come help me, I realized that I could work on my post from my iPhone. I can also call AAA, call a friend, or do other work from this amazing device. Perhaps my trivia question should have been: "Can you phone your way to mental health?" I doubt there's been any research on it yet but I will check and let you know! Has your cell phone helped your mental health? I'd love to hear your stories!
     Tuesday's psychology trivia question was:

             True or False: You can read your way to mental health.

The answer is true.  Bibliotherapy, i.e., prescribing selected books to read about the presenting problem is a common practice among psychologists & psychotherapists. I often recommend selected reading as an adjunct to therapy. Intuitively, I know it helps. Surprisingly, there has not been much research on the effectiveness of this technique. However, in a small but significant percentage of cases, in the UK bibliotherapy reduced symptoms of prospective clients waiting to be seen for an initial psychotherapy evaluation. By the time of their scheduled 1st appointment, they no longer choose to seek additional treatment. This does not actually prove that reading a book can cure a psychological problem, however, it seems to help relieve some people's stress for the time being. More research is needed before people can assume that just reading a book will cure them. If you would like to read more about this study take a look at "Bibliotherapy: Reading Your Way to Mental Health"  from The Wall Street Journal (2007) by Kevin Heliker.

Stay tuned for an important announcement soon about how you will be able to download my book on Amazon for FREE for a limited time only. I know it can help you & your friends improve your mental health, too! You will not need to have a Kindle device to take advantage of this offer.

iPhone therapy helped me pass the time & I was able to prepare everything but the photo by the time AAA arrive! Thanks Apple for inventing this "therapeutic" device. 

Photo Credit:
http://photopin.com/phpflickr/getphoto.php?size=medium&id=7030777627&url=http%3A%2F%2Ffarm8.staticflickr.com%2F7227%2F7030777627_155099da09.jpg

Throwback Motivational Monday: Who Needs Emotions?

Thought for the Day: Let's face it. Emotions are tough! Who needs anger, sadness, rage, or jealousy? Many of my clients have spent their lives trying to avoid confrontations. Others can't seem to stop getting into fights with family & friends. You may be wondering who needs emotions, since they seem to just complicate relationships. I just finished making the above image which looks like a poster for a science fiction movie, but I made it while thinking about a client of mine from many years ago. I'd like to use it as part of an illustration about emotions, so bear with me.

Here's an important post from back in June which I decided to repost today. Have a great start of the week!

I'd like you to imagine that you are about 13 years old & growing up Jewish in Europe. You live with your mother, father, 5 sisters & brothers in a suburb of Krakow Poland (Krakow had 237,000 residents with at around 60,000 Jewish citizens). Your parents each have 4 siblings & they too have several children living in your neighborhood. When your family gets together for holidays your family is joined by 30 or 40 cousins of varying ages, 8 aunts & uncles & your grand parents at the gatherings. Your friends & neighbors have similar families. You go to school with hundreds of your friends & family members. Not long after your thirteenth birthday, war breaks out & the family is uprooted. You are separated from your relatives & end up in work camps & finally in a concentration camp struggling to survive. When the war ends you are 17 years old. You walk hundreds of miles to get back home. When you arrive, you discover that you are the sole Jewish survivor of your entire neighborhood. You go to a bar & get drunk. The next day, you leave your home town & never look back. You do not shed a tear & vow to forget everything that happened to you before the age of 17.

This was the true story of a client of mine in Israel (although I am not sure the town was Krakow, I simply used it to give a sense what my client experienced) . He did not come to therapy for himself. He came when his 13 year old son was hospitalized in a school for emotionally disturbed children. His son was out of touch with his emotions. The staff used to say that the boy was like a "robot." Both of his parents were survivors of the holocaust. The child was paying the price of their need to avoid their emotions at all costs. With help the parents & their son were able to start working through the powerfully difficult emotions they had been trying to avoid.

Who needs emotions? We all do. Emotions are not right or wrong, good or bad, they just are part of being human. If you are alive & human, emotions can help cope with the challenges of life.  As the heartbreaking pictures come in from Oklahoma, how can people cope without tears & hugs? As the survivors from Boston heal from the trauma of the bombings, should they try not to feel their anger? Emotions help us express the pain, anger, sorrow, regret & fears so that we can find our way back to life. If we try not to feel the negative feelings, we may survive, but may lose the positive feelings that we want to have. It takes a lot of energy to repress negative feelings & there may not be energy left for the positive emotions of joy & happiness. One theory proposes that depression is anger turned inwards. Avoiding emotions may be one of the things that keeps you from being motivated to follow your dreams.

Are there emotions that you have been trying to avoid? Have you found ways to express them? What has helped you? By sharing your experiences, you may help someone recognize their own blocks & start finding ways to deal with their emotions.

Memorial Monday: How Driving A Truck Helped A Bereaved Father Cope

Photos from FlickrCC.com*

Thought for the Day:  Sometimes in the midst of barbeques, travel & celebrations of the beginning of summer the harsh reality of Memorial Day is forgotten. It is a day to remember those who gave their lives to protect the freedom & opportunities this great nation offers. I usually leave my song choices for Saturday's Songs for the Soul where I share songs that are therapeutic. "I Drive Your Truck" (shared here)* certainly fits that category. It captures one man's grief after losing a loved one. With over 5 million hits on YouTube since it was released last December, it hit a chord helping veterans & families around the country.  The song performed by country artist, Lee Brice,  was written by Jimmy Yeary, Connie Harrington & Jessi Alexander. It is based on a true story one of the songwriters heard on NPR about how a father, who's son died in 2006, would drive his son's truck. On the radio broadcast, Paul Monti, said his reasons for driving the truck his son, Sgt. 1st ClassJared  Monti, left behind were simple: "What can I tell you? It's him. It's got his DNA all over it. I love driving it because it reminds me of him, though I don't need the truck to remind me of him. I think about him every hour of every day."

If you would like to support programs that help wounded warriors returning from Iraq & Afghanistan, you can purchase my book The Wake Up And Dream Challenge with 1/2 of the profits being sent to Higher Ground. Higher Ground uses recreational therapies to help wounded warriors & their families regain their independence.

*Official video from Lee Bruce's album, Hard 2 Love. Available on iTunes: http://bit.ly/Hard2Love

*Photos from FlickrCC.com

Top Right: 'Scouts salute Fort Sam Houston Cemetery with+flags+of+honor' http-/www.flickr.com/photos/37353087@N03/5766778920

Left Middle: 'Scouts salute Fort Sam Houston Cemetery with+flags+of+honor' http-/www.flickr.com/photos/37353087@N03/5766764544

Right Bottom: 'Soldier graves' http-/www.flickr.com/photos/22929260@N06/5784853348

Saturday's Songs for the Soul: Clouds, A Young Cancer Victim's Legacy

Photo from FlickrCC.com*

Thought for the Day: On Wednesday's Words of Wisdom, psychiatrist, Elizabeth Kubler Ross's words related to her pioneering research which has helped countless people deal with death & critical illnesses. Today's Song for the Soul selection is by a young singer songwriter, Zach Sobiech, who used his musical talents to help cope with osteosarcoma. His music led to over 4 million hits on YouTube, touching all those who heard it. This week he lost a 4 year battle with cancer at just 18 years of age. His memory & mission to find a cure for childhood cancer will live on through his inspirational song, "Clouds, " which the congregation sang at his funeral. The song will help fund research to save lives of other children affected by cancer.


*Photo from FlickrCC.com

www.flickr.com/photos/57917705@N00/88699234

Motivational Mondays: What is "Friendship Deprivation" & How Does It Impact on Mental Health?

Motivational Mondays: What Is "Friend Deprivation" & How Does It Impact Our Mental Health?
     Thought for the Day:  When I start to work with new clients, I assess their support systems and how well they help my clients cope with their issues. Through my work with them, I’ve come to believe that most people have friends. Some have hundreds, some have a handful, and some have one best friend. Even when familial connections falter, we have friends to rely on. But it’s remarkably rare to find someone with no friends at all. These past two months, I’ve worked with a client named Joan who had no friends. My work with her inclined me to rethink my theories of the psychological importance of friendship. I pored over friendship-related articles, I reached out to colleagues on LinkedIn, I scanned my brain for past clients to assess friendship’s impacts on mental health. As I share my colleague’s and my thoughts about friendships over these next two weeks, I encourage you to ask yourself: How do you think your friends have impacted your mental health? Are friends necessary to life? Maybe Joan’s story will help you answer these questions.

   On the surface, Joan is an upbeat, spiritual person who avoids negative people. She holds a Master’s Degree from a prestigious business school, works as a solo-preneur, and has many business associates. She looks ten years younger than her 40-something years, is happily married, and has never had children. She has never been depressed. However, Joan has never felt truly understood, wanted, or supported by her family. Although she communicates with her parents by phone, they’ve never set foot in her home and rarely make efforts to see her. Every accomplishment was greeted with a negative comment from them. When her father paid attention to her, her mother aborted father-daughter time because she viewed it as a threat to her marriage. As it was, Joan grew up lacking a strong support system—the only exception to this is her husband, John, who supports her decision to get help.


     I wondered if she’d suffered physical or sexual trauma as a child. Joan reported no experiences of the sort, but admitted that she’d endured abusive relationships before marrying John. Besides this information, Joan couldn’t recall any other childhood details. To get a clearer picture of Joan’s life, I suggested hypnosis. Of course, she was initially terrified—what if she lost control? After I thoroughly explained hypnosis and its tendency to grant people greater self-control, she agreed to try. To ease her into the process, I first taught her hypnosis for relaxation. When our next session arrived, we began to use hypnosis to understand a repressed subject: why she was afraid of summer camp when she was nine. What we discovered was not what she had expected.

     In trance, Joan recalled being petrified and frozen on her first day at camp. As the other children ran around, she refused to participate in any activities. After enduring a week of this, she visited home over the weekend and told her parents she didn’t want to go back. What should have been met with concern was met with anger—her parents retorted that they’d already paid and that they had to work. Not only was she instructed never to come home again during camp, but they even threatened to never let her come home if she continued to complain. In the face of such harsh punishment, she had no choice but to stop complaining and suck up ten weeks of camp.

     The more she probed in trance, the more her initial fears seemed to multiply. She began to recall childhood memories of her parents discouraging her from forging friendships. Every time Joan began to make a friend, her parents told her: “They aren’t really your friend.” As I learned more about Joan’s parents, their behavior began to make more sense. Her parents, as it turns out, both grew up with alcoholic parents and had no friends. Since her parents didn’t value friendships, they instilled that perspective in Joan. Because of her parents, Joan has become conditioned to view friendship as a strange concept, not unlike foreign language. The importance of friendships made logical sense to her, but she could never envision herself making friends. From hearing about her experiences, I was curious whether about studies of friendship deprivation. We’ve all heard of sleep deprivation, but could it be that friendship deprivation is a true phenomenon?

     Does this kind of deprivation handicap someone? If so, what impact does it have on children? What role do friendships play in our mental health? In subsequent posts this week and perhaps next as well, I will be looking at Joan's therapy and other research on friendship to answer these questions. How have friends helped you overcome challenges in life? Have you experienced "friendship deprivation" in your family? If so, how has it impacted on you? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Motivational Mondays: How to Parent When A Child Makes You Feel Incompetent

Thought for the Day: Last week, I told Daniella's story to a parent who was frustrated with their 10 year old child. Daniella made her mother feel totally helpless & incompetent. Today, I share how I helped Daniella & her mother. Daniella was an extremely challenging child, but all children at times can make parents question their ability to parent. What do you do when you feel like a failure as a parent? Have you ever felt frustrated like Daniella's mother? I would love to hear what things have helped you with these kinds of challenges.

I hadn't thought about Daniella (not her real name) for many years. Daniella was a child I worked with early on in my career as a psychologist in a day unit of a psychiatric hospital in Israel. The children in the program ranged from autistic to learning disabled to behavioral disorders. They often were simply too much for the public schools to handle. Children stayed in this intensive program for a year to three years. All children were in individual, group & family therapy. Their parents participated in family, individual, couple & group therapy. I had worked as a school psychologist before coming to the hospital, but was a beginner as a therapist with adults.

I inherited Daniella's family from an Israeli therapist who felt she was unable to work with them. I was shocked when I learned from Daniella's mother, Ruthie, that the previous therapist had told  Ruthie she had "diarrhea" of the mouth. Given the lack of empathy the previous therapist had for Ruthie, I knew it would be hard to gain her trust. Ruthie, a Canadian immigrant, was happy to be able to conduct therapy in her native tongue. Daniella had serious behavioral problems & was unmanageable at home. She would run away for days. Usually, Daniella went to the beaches of Tel Aviv where, using her charm & her knowledge of English, she would get elderly tourists to give her food. Ruthie was frightened that harm might come to her daughter on the empty beaches at night. She could not understand why her daughter would run away from home following simple requests to clean her room or clear the table.

Week after week, Ruthie came to therapy & shared her frustrations with Daniella. She would report all of Daniella's unacceptable behaviors at a mile a minute pace. Daniella refused to follow any of her parents' rules. Ruthie rarely gave me time to get a word in edgewise or to comment. In supervision, I would tell my supervisor, Dr. Garb, how hard it was to sit with Ruthie & listen to her berate her child. Dr. Garb, a psychiatrist & a recent South African immigrant, encouraged me to listen & try to guess the emotions beneath Ruthie's nervous, frustrated presentation of life with Daniella. Since Ruthie was not in touch with her feelings, it was difficult to identify anything other than anger & frustration. Slowly, I began to make some headway & would reflect on the emotions I felt she were beneath the anger. Finally, after months in therapy, I was able to say to Ruthie that, "When Daniella makes you feel helpless, I think you try to speak more & faster to cover up your shame & sadness." Ruthie's eyes teared up & she admitted that it was true. She began to speak more slowly, to listen & allow me to speak in sessions.

Not long after that breakthrough, Daniella ran away from home again. In the past when they had found her daughter, Ruthie she would angrily chastise Daniella. This time was different. She told her daughter that she was scared to death when she did not know where she was & that she wants to keep her safe. She told me that she realized, "Daniella is my daughter & I will be her mother for the rest of my life. Somehow, we will get through this & I will love her no matter what." Daniella began to sense her mother's caring & steadfastness to help her daughter overcome the demons that plagued her & she too began to improve.

I told my current client Daniella & Ruthie's story to give them hope. In the midst of raising children, there are multiple frustrations. Daniella's story was an extreme example, but the lessons we can learn from their challenges Ruthie had to deal with are applicable to children with less problems than Daniella. Some children take longer to learn than others, but when they know we are in it for the long haul & that we will not give up on them, they too learn to believe in their ability to overcome their struggles.

All parents feel like Ruthie from time to time. even when their children are less challenging than Daniella. What do you do when you feel overwhelmed while parenting a difficult child? What has helped you when you have felt helpless or incompetent as a parent? Feel free to share your experiences or ask questions about how to get in touch with your feelings so that you can handle the challenges raising children present.

Motivational Mondays: Why Shrinks Must Help Shrink Gun Violence

Thought for the Day: I have spent my entire adult life working as a clinical psychologist changing lives & helping make a difference in the world. A few years ago, I decided that I needed to help more people by writing a self help book that would teach techniques I developed to help people accomplish their dreams. Little did I know that this decision would lead to my involvement in nonpartisan political activism & travel to Washington DC to advocate for sensible changes in gun control laws. Here's a brief description of my transformation into what Shannon Watts, the founder of Moms Demand Action for Gun Sense called an accidental activist. It also helps explain why I believe that therapists should become "Shrinks 4 Shrinking Gun Violence." This post will be longer than most & will lead to some additional posts this week to cover all that I experienced & learned in DC, so please stay tuned.

Intentionally,  I always kept my personal opinions & political views to my self & out of the realm of therapy. My role has been to help clients discover their own solutions regardless of their beliefs or political persuasion. I teach people to resolve conflicts & deal with emotions, including anger, in healthy ways. As I have become involved in book promotion & supporting nonprofit organizations using social media, I have become more vocal online.

Those of you who have been following me on twitter (@WakeUpDreamNow), facebook (facebook.com/TheWakeUpAndDreamChallenge) & here on my blog, know that I have been speaking up about bullying in general & as symptomatic of our society & more recently about gun violence. This has occurred due to my expertise from working with trauma victims. The Sandy Hook tragedy led to several blog posts, radio appearances, writing a free downloadable e-book, When Bad Things Happen to Children with my daughter, & attending a march in Hartford on Valentine's Day 2013. Therefore, when I learned that Moms Demand Action for Gun Sense was organizing a day in DC, "Moms Take the Hill, March 13. 2013," & that they would make appointments for all participants with their senators & congressmen, I felt I had a responsibility to make the trip & let my voice be heard in DC.

The Friday before the event I listened to a live phone orientation.  In the orientation, they encouraged all participants to be prepared to tell their story: Why did you sign up to come to DC? What changes do you hope to see in gun control? They did not expect me to be an expert on the legislative process going on in DC, just to voice my thoughts on why change is needed & any ideas that I have about what will help.

Here's what I was prepared to tell my elected representatives: I am a mother, grandmother, psychologist, & author. I am here for my children, grandchildren & the tens to hundreds of thousands of clients & readers that I have helped & will continue to help deal with death, trauma, bullying & life challenges. I have dedicated my life to helping people find solutions to their problems & reach for their dreams & I fear that children's & adults lives & dreams are being destroyed with each additional violent tragedy.

I am here out of concern for the American society that is being traumatized by gun violence daily & at times becoming numb to the consequences. I am not only concerned for the children who witnessed the event or the families who lost a loved one from gun violence who will work throughout their lives to cope with these senseless tragedies, but I am also worried about the children who witnessed the traumatic events on TV across the country who feel helpless & are scared that harm will come to them, too.

I am here for the young adults who said to me cavalierly in the days following Sandy Hook, that they were "fine," since they, "have lived through Columbine & 9/11 & are used to tragedies." When I asked them about what it was like for them when they experienced those events as children, they began to cry. As they felt the pain they had buried for years, they admitted to themselves & me that they simply were trying not to let their feelings get to them. I am here for the adults in their 30's who said, "I am fine, I don't have any children, but my mother in California is a retired teacher has been crying all week. How can I help her?" I am here for the women who came to work in Stamford & across the nation after Sandy Hook, who could not stop crying even though they did not know anyone personally who was harmed by the tragedy. They did not understand why the events are still impacting them so heavily. I know how to help people work on these emotions, but I & all my colleagues across the nation do not have the resources to reach a nation traumatized by multiple traumatic events. Together, we must find ways to reduce the violence in our nation.

I am here because, although I am trained to help people deal with trauma & will continue to do so, I see the insidious rise in tragedies due to gun violence as something that is preventible. We cannot stop hurricanes from happening, but we can prepare people to take better precautions & protect themselves better. We may not be able to stop all gun violence, but we can try to reduce it by advocating for more sensible laws. As healers psychologists, social workers, psychiatrists & other people in the field of mental health, if we allow ourselves to become numb, feel helpless to stop the violence & fail to speak up, we are shirking our duty to advocate for the mental health of our society.

Before I left home, I made copies of my e-book, a few of my blog posts, including the comments that people posted on this blog & on facebook stating what they wanted the leaders in DC to know about their feelings about gun laws. I also spent time with my grandchildren in Boston making paper doll chains. The 8 dolls in each chain represent 8 children who are killed every day in the USA from gun violence. I knew that I would have 4 meetings with senators & congressmen in DC. I also knew that I would be attending a press conference in which Dianne Feinstein was one of the slated speakers. Over the week, I will add a additional posts to my Tuesday's Psychological Trivia & in place of What If? Wednesdays to tell you about what I learned in DC, my experiences there & some common sense solutions that I hope our nation will begin to implement. Please share your thoughts & feelings & come back to hear more of what you can do to help shrink the gun violence in our nation.

Dr. Lavi, with Moms Demand Action with Senators Blumenthal & Murphy

Here's a preview of one of my visits with Connecticut Senators Blumenthal &  Murphy with the paper dolls we gave to them to symbolize why we must take action.