Growing Pains of Motherhood

A Mother's Role Is Always Changing

Thought for the Day: If "built in obsolescence" is the goal of being a mother, how can mothers deal with the growing pains of being successful & watching their children grow into adults who no longer need them?

Yesterday,  I visited & spoke with the amazing founder of Museum of Motherhood visionary, Joy Rose, who is also the founder of Mamapalooza. Conversations with Joy are always stimulating. We talked some about the growing pains of being a mother when your children grow up & start living on their own which inspired me to write this post. As parents, we know much more about our children's than our own growing pains. We spend our lives nurturing our offspring, helping them adjust as they grow & development. We obsess about when to ween our infants, how to potty train them, or help them get over nightmares. We work hard to ease their entry into the world. We help them deal with stranger anxiety as infants, fears when they start school & advise them with their struggles with social acceptance or with bullies. We hold the line & control our tempers as we try to guide them through the turmoil of adolescence. 

As mothers, we become specialists at easing our children's way through all the stages of growth, but rarely look at our own growing pains. Even as mothers have been claiming & accomplishing their own dreams, they may not take time to look at the impact of their own growing pains at each stage of their child's increased independence. Instead,  mothers seem to find creative ways to multitask & make space for all their children's needs as they make space for their own. They become experts at juggling schedules, carpools, work & marriage.  If you are a mother, have you ever taken the time to address your own growing pains? Who do you talk to when you feel stretched beyond your comfort zone as your role as a shifts & changes?

Although a lot has been written about the impact of "empty nest syndrome" on couples' relationships & how that often coincides with the stress of midlife crisis on marriages, very little seems to address the impact of the identity crisis for mothers (or stay at home fathers) who have successfully launched their children into adulthood.

Each Age Brings It's Challenges

What it means to be a "good enough" mother (or parent) is constantly changing as a child grows. (I use the term "good enough" to avoid the mistakes that psychology made in the past of blaming mothers for any & all of their children's problems. Psychologists are now careful to make it clear that we strive as parents to do a "good enough' job since there is no such thing as perfect parenting to strive for, but that is the topic for another post!) When a child is born, being a "good enough" mother means focusing exclusively on the infant's needs for food, shelter, warmth, & nurturing. When the child starts to crawl, mothers need to learn to give them room to explore while making sure there are no dangerous items within their reach. When a child goes to school, if mothers continued to focus on the child 24/7, it would be seen as being over-involved & stifling the child's independence. In adolescence, a mother needs to give her children even more room to grow & make their own mistakes while still providing structure & rules for some semblance of safety. As the her children go off to college, mothers need to shift their role again, hoping that the core lessons they have taught them will keep them safe & help them make wise life choices. The premier of the TV show Parenthood had a touching story of the painful process of letting go when one of the characters leaves for college. At each stage, mothers worry & try to influence their children, but let go of more & more control of their children's lives.

What Happens When You Become Obsolete?

A friend once told me that in her mind a mother's role is to have "built in obsolescence." If you do your job well, your children will out grow the need for you to do things for them. They will know how to clean up after themselves, do their own laundry, cook for themselves, pay their bills, have healthy relationships & build an independent life. That does not mean that they will never need to consult with you or see you, they simply will be able to run their own lives. However, did anyone ever prepare mothers for the growing pains that go along with launching your children into the world & becoming obsolete? Sure there is the joy of having more time for yourself & your own needs, but there are & will be mixed feelings at every stage of the game.

What I said to Joy is that I believe that the growing pains are a built in mechanism to help mother's cope with the inevitable changes that every mother will feel as her children grow.  The growing pains however can lead to an even richer relationship at each stage of a child's life. The transition is painful, but can lead to even richer relationships with your children at any stage. When children are younger we share the growing pains with out spouses & get our parents' advice on how to deal \with the painful transitions.

Mothers Have Their Ways To Stay Connected

When children are grown, we can share the feelings with them. By sharing them, we can work on enriching our relationships with them in the new frontier of an adult relationship with our children. Motherhood is a job for life. We can't resign.  Even when our children are grown & independent, mothers are mothers forever, & we only get one (although some of us are luck enough to get a step-mother who can fill the role in a unique way). Our role shifts & changes according to our children's growing & changing needs.

When our children grow up however, an even richer relationship can develop. In the best case scenarios, it becomes more like a very special deep friendship & bond, in which children support their mothers & mothers support their children more as equal adults. If you are lucky, (it does not always happen, even with "good enough" parenting),  when you have sown the seeds throughout a child's life,  you reap the benefits. In adulthood, that happens when children are connected to you & include you in their lives & in their children's lives not because they need you, but because they want you to be there. It does not always happen, but when it does, it is one of the most rewarding experiences for both the mother & the child.

I'd love to hear your thoughts & experiences with maternal growing pains.

Remembering Larry Bogdanow, Part II

My brother & I on the Staten Island Ferry around 1973?

Thought for the day: I just reread my post from February 22, 2012. I wrote it two days before what would have been my brother, Larry Bogdanow's birthday.  I said most of what I feel comfortable saying publicly about him then. However, on June 29th it will be a year since Larry lost his battle with brain cancer. Thoughts & memories arise daily. It is part of the normal mourning process. I often tell clients to use writing to help with grief. As hard as it is to do, as a psychologist who has helped people deal with loss throughout my career, I need to share some of my thoughts today in hopes that it will inspire you or help you share your memories of a loved one who you are grieving.

Time is the ultimate healer, but time alone is not enough to complete the mourning. First, let me say, time is deceptive. In some ways, it feels like the events of last year happened yesterday. Since my brother's illness & demise was very rapid. No one had time to digest the fact that he was not going to be with us within weeks of the discovery of the recurrence of the cancer.

In other ways, time has seemed to move slowly. The normal joy of each holiday that has passed was burdened by the reality that my brother would not be there to celebrate. His birthday & Father's Day also were clouded by what we were missing. In my posts I shared some of my grief. I have tried throughout this year to take the time to experience the feelings, write about them or speak with someone when they arise.

In Victorian times, mourners wore black clothes for a year & stopped wearing jewelry or wore jewelry with the picture of their loved one. I stopped wearing black within a few months, but for this past year except for a few professional appearances or religious holidays, I stopped wearing jewelry. I never wore jewelry until I began to make my own several years ago. Once I did, it began to give me great pleasure to wear my creations. Somehow, I have not felt comfortable wearing jewelry since my brother's death. My brother would probably have thought this was unnecessary, but for me it seemed like a small daily reminder that life has changed & I am not ready to be fully joyful.

I'm not religious but know that in Jewish tradition music is not allowed during the first year of mourning, it's a bit like lent. I did my own version by not listening to music on the radio for this year. I did watch TV & went to movies so at times I heard background music, but wrote off listen to music or singing. I love music & I love to sing, but during the first year after I lose a loved one, I give them up. I only sang when I was at religious services. When I saw the documentary, Once Upon a Dream, I was inspired by the children's accomplishments. Afterwards, I searched for renditions of Over the Rainbow & shared them on my blog posts. I made another exception when I went to my camp reunion. There I sang the songs that Larry, my friend, Amelia Samet Kornfeld, (who also lost her battle with brain cancer not long ago), & I would sing together as children. I know I will sing again & listen to the radio, but I needed the silence to leave space for the thoughts, memories & feelings.

Most religions have traditions for mourning that last about a year. Knowing that a year has passed will mark the time for me to let go of my personal "lent" related to mourning my brother's passing. I read an article in Psychology Today by one of my facebook fans, Dr. Craig Malkin, who is also a psychologist. The article proposes that secure relationships, starting in childhood, lead to secure adult relationships & more exciting adventurous lives. At the core of the research is a study by Mary Ainsworth who found that securely attached children, those who felt their mother would always be there for them, attacked the world with gusto & adventure. Internalizing that feeling of security lasts a lifetime even after the mother is no longer present.

Yesterday, it came to me that I no longer have anyone who really knew me from the day I was born. My mother, father, eldest brother & grandmother have been gone for many years. Having Larry was like an extension of the secure attachment our mother gave us to explore the world. He would always encourage me to explore my dreams. In addition, he was an added memory bank for me. I relied on my brother's memory for things I was not sure about. I can't ask him to help me remember things from my childhood anymore but that sense of security he & my family gave me to live adventurously, live on inside me. I have become the holder of so both memories & dreams.

I don't know what happens after we leave this world, but I do believe that we all live on in the memories of those we have touched in our lives. My brother touched not only me, my family & the friends he knew & loved, but also the strangers who visited the restaurants, theaters, homes, & educational facilities he designed. About a month ago, by accident, I discovered that a new friend, Joy Rose, the founder of the Museum of Motherhood in NYC & Mamapaloosa, knew my brother twenty years ago. Her son went to nursery school with Larry's daughter. Larry helped her design a kitchen in her apartment for free.

Larry designed & organized a group of friends to help build a community center in Guatemala thirty years ago. My sister-in-law went & visited the facility this year. While there, she told a young woman that her husband had designed & helped build the center. The woman immediately took my sister-in-law to meet her father. At their home, her father showed my sister-in-law a picture of Larry & his crew of volunteers.  His daughter was too young to know Lorenzo (Larry) personally, but had heard about him for many years. My brother followed his dreams, left his mark. The world is a better place thanks to his creativity, passion, philanthropy & love.

Make time for your dreams. They can help you leave a mark. Dreams live on. If you would like to share a story about someone you have lost & how their dreams live on, please do, it may help someone else as they work through their grief.

Mother's Day Part III: If My Mother, Grandmother & I Ruled the World

                 Photos & Lyrics are Great on this Mother's Day Video

Thought for the day: I've always felt that the best gifts are either ones you make (or write) for someone or the gift of spending time with someone. If you are inspired by what I have been writing in this 3 part Mother's Day series please share your stories about your mothers & grandmothers here & with your loved ones. At the end of this short blog, I will post a list of other last minute gift ideas for Mother's Day.

My 4 Generations of Mothers Many Years Ago

In my earlier posts in this series, I told you about how the world would be if my mother (Part I) or grandmother (Part II) ruled the world. Today, I'd like to add my my twist on one of the lessons my mother & grandmother taught me which might help solve problems big & small. My mother & grandmother were not the only ones who believed that, "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all." As a therapist, I help people express all their thoughts & feelings. You may think I was not listening to or rejected the wisdom of that saying. I actually believe that I've added my own twist to that lesson. I would suggest that, "If you can't say something nice, find a nice way to say it." 

So if my mother, grandmother & I ruled the world through the three lessons I've discussed this week, what would happen? People would encourage their children to change the world by teaching them new ways to resolve conflicts. They would not only encourage them to lower their voices, but also to find creative sensitive ("nice") ways to talk about tough topics. In addition, they would use the new technologies which my mother would have embraced on facebook, twitter, Google+  & YouTube to build a strong world family of man better equipped to resolve all conflicts.

As Mother's Day approaches, I miss my mother & grandmother, but they are with me & continue to inspire me & my children every day. How are you, your mother & grandmother changing the world?  I'd love to hear your stories, too. We all can inspire one another! Let's lead the way!

As promised, here are some last minute ideas for gifts for the mothers in your life:

If you live in or near NYC or will be visiting soon, take your Mom to the Museum of Motherhood where they celebrate Motherhood 365 days a year. Or take them on May 20 (Sun) 11-5PM 9th Annual MAMAPALOOZA Outdoor Extravaganza at Riverside Park So. NYC with Summer On The Hudson, New York (entrance at West 68th St and the Hudson River) FREE.  More

While you are in NYC you can visit the MicroMuseum as well.

You might want to inspire the women who taught you to believe in your ability to accomplish your dreams by giving them books that will inspire them. You can order one of my books that contributes 1/2 of the profits to a cause your mother supports or one that supports mothers like Enchanted Makeovers, which uses handmade projects to makeover shelters for homeless mothers & their children. There are 21 amazing NPOs benefiting from my book. Type in the name of the nonprofit to find the book that supports your cause.

Other inspiring books  & a video to choose from by authors I have met since I published my book include: The Thin Threads Series (available online & in Hallmark Stores) including one on Mothers & Grandmothers, edited by Stacey Battat,  Mother Teresa, CEO, by Ruma Bose & Kathy Eldon's award winning video about her son, Don Eldon Dying to Tell the Story [VHS]. 

If you want to read more about my grandmother's inspiring story, check out her memoir, Stored Treasures.

Have a Happy Mother's Day!