Motivational Mondays: How Can Single Moms Overcome The Mother's Day's Blues

Thought for the Day: All day I have been having problems with internet connectivity. It is very frustrating, but while I am connected I will write a brief motivational piece. As some of you know I have been answering questions on a new Single Mom's website, Single Mom's Playbook. As I prepared my posts for Mother's Day it came to my attention how difficult Mother's Day can be for single moms.

So much of what makes Mother's Day work is dependent on having a supportive husband who helps the children celebrate their mothers. When there is no father in the picture or even worse when there is an ex-husband who is unsupportive, Mother's Day can become a reminder of how unappreciated you may be. This may lead to the Mother's Day Blues. One of my clients who had a contentious divorce and is battling with her ex-husband was not even sure if she would be with her kids on Sunday despite the divorce agreement. In addition, when finances are tight, there may not be any leftover money to celebrate. Should single mothers just ignore the holiday? How can they help their kids learn the importance of appreciating all they do for their children? What do you think? Have you felt left out and unappreciated because there is no father to teach your kids? Is it important?

I think it is a subject that is often neglected, but needs to be addressed given the fact that over 50% of marriages end in divorce.

Saturday's Songs for the Soul: Celine Dion and Charice: Because You Loved Me

Thought for the Day:  Psychologically, mothers (or mothering surrogates who can be fathers, grandmothers or other caretakers for infants) are the most important figures for us all, since their care, love and perceptions of their children give them their initial sense of self worth. Tomorrow is Mother's Day. It is a bittersweet day for me, since both my mother and grandmother are no longer living. 

I was lucky that my mother moved to Boston about seven years before she passed away. I was able to spend time with her more frequently during those years. I found myself simply dropping by her apartment for no reason at all. It became a tradition to come by on my birthday, just to let her know how much I appreciated the gift of life and the love she had given me throughout my life. We would go out and celebrate on Mother's Day, but just spending time with her on my birthday felt more like Mother's Day to me. I wrote a Mother's Day series of posts in 2012 about all the women who have mothered me and helped me become the person I am today (Mother's Day Part I: How The World Would Change If My Mother Ruled The World, Part II: If My Grandmother Ruled The World, Part III: If My Mother, Grandmother & I Ruled The World, Part IV: If My Step-Mother Ruled The World, Part V: If My Daughters Ruled The World).

Today, therefore, I wanted to find a special song that celebrates mothers. At first, when I found "Because You Loved Me," I wasn't sure it was the right, since it is such a well known hit. When I found a rendition of the song in a duet by Celine Dion and a young singer, Charice, I knew I had found today's my song for the soul.

#FF Friday's Fabulous Finds: Parenting Olympians, Women in Sports, Teaching Daughters RE; Inner Beauty & More

Parenting, Women in the the Olympics, CVS & Cigarettes, 82 Year Old Supermodel

Thought for the Day: I don't know about you, but I've had about enough winter for this year! I do have several great finds for youon this cold winter day. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did. Have a great weekend! The only positive thing about it being winter is that the Winter Olympics are starting this week.

1) I can't believe that I'm sharing an advertisement from Proctor & Gamble as one of this week's Fabulous Finds, but they prepared a great ad on how to parent Olympians that is really wonderful. It's called Thank You Mom, Pick Them Back Up.

2) On the topic of the Olympics my second find, This Is The First Year Women Can Ski Jump At The Olympics. Here Are 7 Other Sports We've Been Barred From, is an article on the history of women's sports in the Winter Olympics. You may be surprised to learn that women have not been allowed to compete in many of the Olympic sports and still cannot compete in one winter event!

3) Words From a Father to His Daughter (From the Makeup Aisle), the third find, is a wonderful letter by a father to his three year old daughter. Every parent should share the sentiments with their daughters.

4)My fourth find, Kicking The Habit: CVS To Stop Selling Tobacco, Sacrificing $2 Billion In Sales For Public Health And Future Growth,  is about the bold move made by CVS. They decided that it went against their mission to help people maintain a healthy lifestyle. I hope that other pharmacies and stores will follow suit.

5)Many couples who want to adopt a child only consider adopting an infant. My fifth fabulous find,  The Internet Cheers For Little Girl Whose Adoption Finally Became Official,  is the story of a couple who adopted a foster child.

6) Finally I have a photo of an 82-Year-Old Supermodel (who) Still Stuns And Admits 'I'm Still Figuring Out How To Do The Job'  This octogenarian proves that at any age we can continue learning and accomplishing our dreams.

#FF Friday's Fabulous Finds: Salma Hayek, Saving Women & Children, Best Places to Be a Mother & Advice for Divoced Parents

Photos from Wikipedia commons & FlickrCC

Thought for the Day: TGIF & it is time for Friday's Fabulous Finds.  I hope you enjoy them. See how you can help a new organization empower women; how a man gave up the glamor & comfort of Hollywood to help save children in Cambodia; where the US ranks in the top 30 places to be a mother; & some great advice for divorced parents. Have a wonderful weekend.
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An article by actress, Salma Hyak Pinault,  CHIME FOR CHANGE, – for Every Girl, Every Woman, Everywhere is a bold new initiative promoting girls' & women's empowerment, with a focus on education, health & justice. It is my first fabulous finds.

The second find is a story about how Scott Neeson, Former Century Fox Executive, Moved To Cambodia To Help Slum Kids.

In the third find, "The 30 Best Places in the World to Be a Mother," you may be surprised by where the USA ranks.

The fourth find was advice given originally in 1994, but it is still applicable: Parenting After Divorce: Minnesota Judge's Profound Advice For Divorced Parents.

Photos 

* Salma Hyak {{Information |Description=Actress Salma Hayek at the Deauville Film Festival 2012. |Source={{Derived from|Salma Hayek Deauville 2012.jpg|display=50}} |Date=2012-09-08 |Author=Georges Biard * Uploaded by MyCanon |Permission= |other_ver... on Wikipedia Commons

** File:Scott Neeson Pic.jpg - Wikimedia Commonscommons.wikimedia.org 

***'Aveces uno tiene el mundo a cuestas... / The World Behind you..'
http://www.flickr.com/photos/33533488@N05/3219577797 from FlickrCC.com

**** 'Eye See You'  http://www.flickr.com/photos/21314760@N00/518956588 from FlickrCC.com

Thursday's Trends in Psychology: The Marketing of Motherhood

Pregnant Profile II *

Thought for the Day: This is my second report of research findings presented at the  Museum of Motherhood's Conference: A New Motherhood? Evolving Policies, Practices, & Families. In the first post, the articles addressed changing attitudes toward working mothers. Today the studies relate to how the marketing of motherhood, society's expectations & practices impact on mothers navigating their way as parents. Are mothers being expected to accept what marketers & medical professionals tell them about motherhood instead of being listened to by professionals to understand what motherhood means? If you have questions about these studies feel free to comment & I will ask the presenters directly, if I do not know the answer.

Dr. Laura Tropp, Associate Professor & Chair of the Communication Arts Department at Marymount Manhattan College, in NYC explored the "The pregnancy industrial complex: Marketing pregnancy in the 21st century." Women are bombarded with images of famous women's pregnancies, like Kate Midlleton's & Kim Kardashian, leading women to try to look the part of the glowing pregnant woman dressed in the latest maternity fashions. Expectant mothers are also bombarded with a wide array of products to purchase if they wish to attain the "perfect" pregnancy. According to Dr. Tropp this turns pregnancy into a public performance which "distracts (women) from determining what their pregnancy means. Their choices of pregnancy products become trivial, & their identities become warped up in branded categories." How these expectations make women feel if they do not feel glowingly joyous or beautiful during their pregnancies is not considered as marketers push their "perfect" products.

In an inspiring study, "Awakening maternal identity in homeless adolescent mothers," the common belief that teenage motherhood is a negative life choice, is questioned by Marina Mazur, M.A. & Alexandra Jordan, M.A., under the supervision of Dr. Aurelie Athan & Dr. Lisa Miller (Teacher's College Columbia University, NYC), shared their findings from work with teen mothers in a homeless shelter.  By providing weekly psychotherapy groups, they found teen motherhood to be "a walking contradiction. Through adolescent motherhood, much is lost but much is also gained."  Motherhood provides the opportunity for rapid gains in "maturity, fulfillment, purpose & healing."

Several papers examined how conventional hospital birthing experiences impact on mothers & infants. Ellynne Skove, MA, LCAT, BC-DMT, RPP, NCC (licensed therapist) presented a paper on "Broken bonds in the maternal-infant dyad." She found that disruptions of the bonding between mother & infant "can lead to physical & emotional health & development issues in the newborn, following into childhood. " Infant asthma, colic, sleep problems, social relationships are just a few of the issues that can arise. She suggests that hospitals can implement simple interventions in the minutes & hours following birth that could prevent the negative birth traumas caused by separating the infant from the mother after birth.

What happens to mothers when their dreams of the "ideal" birth experience are shattered by complications during childbirth was the focus of Rumyana Kudeva's doctoral dissertation in the Clinical Social Work program at the University of Pennsylvania. Her project, "Disenfranchised grief in women: A qualitative inquiry into women's lived experience of the loss of the dreamed of birth," stemmed from her own personal experience. She lost her dream of natural childbirth when omplications arose & a C-section was required. The medical world acted as if her feelings of grief & loss were not warranted, since she had a healthy baby. When she searched for studies of how this impacts on mothers, she found nothing to validate her experience in the professional world. However, women were writing about it online & speaking about the trauma & loss privately. Therefore, she did a qualitative study into a common problem mothers experience when C-section is necessary.

These studies raise questions of why women are being told what to expect when they are expecting & as mothers, but their feelings about what they are experiencing are often not taken into account. As the study of motherhood, which is in it's infancy evolves, less of the experiences will be left to marketers & branders & hopefully, more will be placed in the hands of mothers.

*Photo from FlickCC.com
'pregnant profile II' http-/www.flickr.com/photos/18773952@N00/154017720

Tuesday's Trends In Psychology: Changing Perceptions of Motherhood Around the World

Photo from FlickrCC*

Thought for the Day: As I mentioned yesterday, I will be reporting some of the studies from a variety of disciplines presented at the Museum of Motherhood's Conference: A New Motherhood? Evolving Policies, Practices, & Families. I will be giving just a brief synopsis of several studies which raise questions about the state of modern mothers around the world. Feel free to ask questions. If I don't know the answer, I will contact the presenter & find out. As you can see the presentations covered a wide array of subjects from research carried out around the world.

Dr Diana Millilo (Nasau Community College, NY) presented findings in research which compared how resumes of job applicants were perceived when the only difference in the resume was the mention of the applicant having children. For both women & men, the fact that the applicant had children led to a perception of higher warmth, but lower competence in their field of work. Sadly, this finding reinforces the common recommendation not to mention the fact that you have children in job interviews.

Anna Bagirova & Oksana Shubat (Russian Federation) examined stereotypes of motherhood. They theorize these stereotypes may be related to a "long term downward trend in birth rate" in Russia. Despite the fact that there are financial incentives given by the government to encourage people to have children, their results find "no comprehensive understanding of the positive aspects of motherhood" among women in Russia. To the contrary, negative stereotypes of the disadvantages of motherhood are more strongly formed & believed in Russian society.

Reporting her findings with single mothers, called lone mothers in New Zealand, Dr Leslie Patterson, a sociologist from Massey University, looked at whether lone parenting is becoming a "trap" or an "interlude." It appears to be turning into a trap that lone mothers are unable to escape mainly due to financial inequalities they face in New Zealand.

Dr. Gillian Anderson, a sociologist from Vancouver Island University in British Columbia, Canada, questioned what she feels is a misguided promotion by media of "mompreneurship" as an alternative to traditional paid employment for mothers needing to join the work force. By reporting eye-catching success stories of mothers starting businesses in their homes (often with strong financial backing from their husbands for several years before they become financially viable), the media gives the impression that self-employment is the easy answer to mother's need to help support their families & care for their children at the same time. However, self-employment often leads to limited income for years, long hours with less time for children & burn out rather than the flexibility & financial rewards presented in the media.

On Thursday I will present some more of the fascinating findings about the state of motherhood in 2013.

* Photo from FlickrCC: flickr.com/photos/27807834@N02/3629917145

Thursday's Psychological Trivia Answer: Who Spent More Time With Their Children, 1965 Stay-At-Home Moms or 1998 Working Moms?

Thought for the Day: Tuesday's question was:
                                 True or False: At-home mothers in 1965 spent more time with their 
                                 children than working mothers did in 1998.

The answer is: False. In "Working Moms and Kids," Katy Abel reports the findings of a recent study by University of California sociologist, Suzanne Bianchi, in conjunction with the University of Maryland. The study found that working mothers actually spent slightly more waking hours with their children than at-home mothers did a generation ago.  Three hundred working mothers kept time diaries showing how they'd spent the previous 24 hours. The results were compared to diaries kept by '60s moms. Here are the results:

• "In 1998, working mothers spent an average 5.8 waking hours with their children.
• In 1965, they spent 5.6 hours with the kids."

It has been a while since 1998. It would be interesting to see what the results would be today. My guess is that the findings would be similar. What concerns me is that working mothers short-change themselves & may therefore, also short-change their children. It does not surprise me that mothers are taking less "me" time & opt to give more to their children. As I said in Monday's post, when mothers (and fathers, for that matter), take time for their dreams, they are a role model for their children. If your work is connected to your personal dreams, it is built into the equation. However, many people are working for a paycheck & not moving towards their dreams. 

If you are working in a job that is unsatisfying, it is important to be doing things that will help you move towards your personal dreams. Your children are watching & learning from your example. If you show them that there is no way for a parent to strive for their dreams, they will follow in your footsteps & sacrifice their dreams, too. Although you may feel there is no time for your dreams in your already busy life, start by spending some time thinking about what is missing. Identify what you want & then you will be able to find ways to incorporate it into your life. For ideas on how to make it happen, you can spend a few hours reading my book. If time is even more limited, you can spend an hour watching 20 short video clips to help you Jump-start Your Life in an Hour. You owe it to yourself & your children to be making your life as meaningful as possible.

Wednesday's Words of Wisdom: The Changing Roles of Motherhood

The Many Faces of Mothers' Love

Thought for the Day: In previous Monday's Words of Wisdom posts I have posted quotes from psychologists like Stanley Milgram or educators like Maria Montessori. Today, as I prepare for presenting tomorrow at the Museum of Motherhood conference in NYC: A New Motherhood? on the changing roles of mothers, I decided to bring a few quotes well known writers, an artist, & an Olympian speaking about there mothers. These quotes give an interesting perspective on how mothers build self esteem & the enhance their children's DQ (Dream Quotient) (TM) or ability to believe in & pursue their dreams. I hope you enjoy them & come back for the answer to Tuesday's Psychological Trivia Question.

       My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it. Mark Twain 

 

       My mother taught me very early to believe I could achieve any accomplishment I wanted to. The first was to walk without braces. Wilma Rudolph (Olympic Gold Medalist)

 

       My mother said to me, "If you become a soldier, you'll be a general, if you become a monk you'll end up as the pope." Instead, I became a painter and wound up as Picasso.

                                           Pablo Picasso

 

  

      There's no such thing as a nonworking mother. Hester Mundis   (Writer for Joan Rivers)

Photos:

Mother & son at beach

flickr.com/photos/72825507@N00/3009399664

Mother at work with child

flickr.com/photos/39349482@N08/7362052452

Young Mother on subway

flickr.com/photos/12836528@N00/5930327196

Mother jogging with kids

flickr.com/photos/72098626@N00/2593849213

Above photos all from FlickrCC.com

Center Photo: A Mother’s Love

From Photo bucket  @Caitlin_Renee

 

  

Tues's Psychological Trivia: Who Spent More Time With Their Children: Stay-At-home Moms, 1965, or Working Moms, 1998?

 

Thought for the Day: It's time for Tuesday's Psychological Trivia Question. This week we are looking at the changing roles of motherhood, so here goes:

  True or False: At-home mothers in 1965 spent more time with their children than working mothers did in 1998. 

What do you think? Feel free to post your guesses. Come back on Thursday for the answer.

Motivational Mondays: Balancing Motherhood & Dreams

Thought for the Day:  As I mentioned on Friday, I will be presenting this Thursday at the Museum of Motherhood & plan to dedicate this week's posts to the challenges of modern parenting. With more & more mothers joining the workforce out of necessity, the balancing act that mothers need to perform is more & more complex. Making time for children's needs, a social life & for their husbands may leave little space for a mothers' personal needs & even less for their personal dreams. Since Mother's Day is just around the corner, I'd like to make today's post the 1st in a series of posts. As I bring up the issues, I would love to hear how you are dealing with the complexities of modern motherhood. What works for you? What is not working & needs improvements to make it better? Are you able to make time for yourself & your aspirations? If not, why not?

Motherhood Everywhere *1

In my book, The Wake Up and Dream Challenge, I present many reasons it is important for people to make time for their dreams. In preparing for this week's conference, I am focusing on a slightly different perspective, which I did not cover specifically in the book. Why should mothers take time for their dreams? Many women have been taught that helping their children & their husband  accomplish their dreams should be their priority. An interesting explanation of this tendency among western women is given in the book, Too Good for Her Own Good, by Claudia Bepko & Jo-Ann Krestan. They believe that women have been taught to put other's needs before their own.  Therefore, mothers may feel selfish if they spend time pursuing their personal dreams.

If all you did was spend time working on your dreams it would be selfish, however, it is a self assertive act, not a selfish one if it is balanced as part of the many things you do for others.

Here are some reasons it is important to make time for your dreams. First, if you give up your dreams for someone else, be it your husband, your children or your parents, you may grow to resent the people closest to you. In my book, I quote the song, "Someone Else's Dreams," a country music song written by Trey Bruce and Craig Wiseman. You can listen to it here performed by Faith Hill to see what happens when you follow someone else's dreams. If you neglect your dreams you not only will lose precious time, but you will feel robbed of your own dreams.

Mother with child at work *2

Another reason mothers need to pursue their own dreams, is that if you don't, you run the risk of trying to live vicariously via your children's accomplishments. Unconsciously, you may be pressuring your children to follow a path that is not their dream, but yours. They may also grow to resent the pressure. It may lead them ultimately to distance both from you & the activity that you have been pushing them towards. Helping a child find & pursue their dreams is an important part of parenting, but it must be done carefully to be sure it is the child's dream & not yours.

On My Shoulders *3

The most important reason to make space for your dreams is for your children's sake. Your actions will teach your children about the importance of taking time for themselves & pursuing their dreams. You are your children's most important role model. Your actions speak louder than your words.

Are you making time for your dreams? If not, what keeps you from working towards them?

Photos:
*1'Motherhood everywhere' http-/www.flickr.com/photos/40145521@N00/3153992046
*2 'Motherhood everywhere' http-/www.flickr.com/photos/40145521@N00/3153992046
*3  'On my shoulders' http-/www.flickr.com/photos/24742305@N00/3699755781
All photos from FlickrCC.com